On account of abuse pt. #2

The reports indicate that I flourished with foster family #1 and I was a joy in the home. At some point the state returned me back to bio mom, because she had met the terms and conditions for me to return home. Bad mistake, I am able to remember at this point *** please, don't read if you are super sensitive*** Abuse alert***abuse alert******

I remember being shoved outside during really bad thunderstorms, all doors locked and can't get back in, socks shoved in my mouth secured with band aids, my bedroom door had been cut at the bottom enough so that SOME food on a tray (when bio mom felt she HAD to feed me) could be slipped under the door, baby powder crammed down my mouth and throat, my ears would bleed at random (I probably blocked out severe physical punishments that preceded the bleeding, so the therapist believed back then), then I have this huge fear of needles (there aren't any notes, but it is believed that I was tortured with safety pins for fun, especially at diaper changes when I was a baby). A report tells and supports most of STRANGE and SEVERE fears and goes on to say a neighbor called police not once, not twice, not even three times - it was FIVE times folks, before the POLICE finally responded to desperate pleas of a screaming three year old being left out in a dangerous thunderstorm unattended and fingers bloody trying to get into the house. I was emaciated, bruised and battered, very scared, little girl. Bio mom went to retrieve me from the officers and I would NOT let go of one of the officers. Bio mom tried all her might to get me and even hit me a few times and the officers, called home base explained my condition and the state removed me from the home indefinitely AND IMMEDIATELY.

Foster home #2 This was a temporary placement and don't remember much. The reports state that I had many trust issues and separation anxiety. It was too much for the family so onto foster family #3.

I remember this family like it was yesterday. They had plans to adopt me and they had included my visits from bio dads side of the family. I was flourishing and working out the issues that had been, well beaten into me. Behind the scenes (I didn't really understand even when I was 18 and able to read through everything) the state didn't want me to return to bio mom. The state did I guess everything they could. They were able to convince my bio mom to tell bio dad that this nice family was going to adopt me (of course, they somewhat knew because they were secretly visiting me) so my bio dad signed the papers. Woohoo, I am going to be adopted by this really awesome and nice family. My new father took a job overseas and bio dad signed me over and bio mom said she would too, so off to England we went. I was sooo happy, as long as you didn't try to put a band aid on me, get out a pin or needle, and it was sunny outside, plus I am guessing other issues. I am not sure how much time passed, because I was just such a happy little girl, but my new mom was sick, we had to return to the states for her treatment and well, I was so needy due to all of my fears and my new mom, needed me to be placed in a temporary foster home while she faced her illness. The state agreed that would be the best for me, because I was such a velcro child and my mom needed some rest. The state promised that I would be returned to foster family #3 when my new mom felt better. At some point, the state finds out that bio mom didn't sign her rights over, like she agreed to and were left with no choice. You got it, I legally had to be returned to the monster.

I fought like bloody hell, and remember seeing the social worker crying and trying to encourage my return to bio mom. I am now almost 6 and back home I have a new dad and a NEW BROTHER (it is obvious I had been with foster family #3 a few years). It didn't take long before things returned to normal, me locked in my room 24/7 no human contact for weeks and weeks at a time. Thrown outside during thunderstorms, but now I was smarter and would go to a house where the people would feed me, dry my clothes, and just plain care about me - oh, yeah they had kids too around my age. They told me (when I visited them when I was 20 yrs old) that they called the police many times to report the bleeding ears, my emaciated body frame, the bruises, and just to get them out to save me - the police didn't do anything. At some point, my new step-dad had taken a HUGE interest in me, at first, I liked it - until he started hurting me (this type of abuse, I was NOT used). This man hurt me a lot, but he always told me, "it was supposed to; that is how love is; and that this "alone" time was our secret" I didn't know I was only 6 (just in case, you don't understand this man sexually abused me, when I WAS only 6 years old). How does a child, a baby of 6 years come out of this unscathed?

Things started to escalate in the home, I was barely ever allowed out of my room, unless step-dad thought we should have our "alone" time when my bio mom left. Then all of a sudden bio dad didn't even want me (he left bio mom and wanted a divorce, which I took the abuse for because apparently, it was my fault - remember the secret, maybe she found out (I will never know))- what in the world did I do? Then bizarre things happened, I was given baths regularly, people visiting all the time, I was able to play with my new brother, and life seemed ok. We had a black dog named Happy and I loved him, the next thing I know I find myself outside, yet again in a severe thunderstorm and found refuge in the dog house (It felt like days). The house is locked (like that is new information), but this time is different - nobody is home. I fell asleep in the dog house (now this could have been a nap - I don't know or remember if it was night sleeping) but, the police came. They wanted me to come out of the dog house and I remember I wouldn't obey, but why? I don't remember. It took hours and hours to convince me that I would be safe from here on out (according to records they tried everything for hours to regain my trust). The state welfare division was on site too, WOW this must be really important for them to be there (remember this was the 1970's). I was promised that I would be loved forever and all I could think is foster family #3 - I was going home. I was so upset that I wasn't going to foster #3, but they said they were working on it and another family was going to care for me. Foster family #4.

To be continued in On account of abuse pt. #3