Now this is the extreme short story. My records are a staggering 10 pound pile of papers, the abuse from my step-dad is NOT in any reports, so it is uncertain if bio mom knew or hid the information, but I do remember. My mom insists there is more to my records than my 10 pound pile. For the 1970's this is really unheard of, things weren't kept on record or at least NOT to this magnitude. The fact, that I have records is in itself amazing.
I have a really close relationship with my bio aunt to this day and to me this is the only way for me to heal. I was apparently to her - EVERYTHING. I have trouble to this day believeing that I meant SOMETHING to someone, not to mention that she is a piece of my TRUE biological family.
They say everything is relative to something and I guess the abuse had a negative impact, thus creating relativness in my life. But, I don't think I am a negative spark in life that people made me out to be. I suppose I could have crawled in a hole and died like everyone wanted me to. I guess I could beat my kids into submission to be obiediant and submissive and not suffer through all the disorganization in my life. I guess I could just leave and let other people just deal with the mess I have made of things. I guess I could do all of this stuff because it is expected of me NOT to prevail and break through the walls of my hellish life. But, no people still often see me as a negative force (they probably won't read this, well, because I am
To my friends who read this, what is there for me to say other than, I am sorry. Some of you know I was abused, but I guess, I just never put myself out there to trust in you or our friendship (I am sorry). There are so many other things I wanted to discuss and shovel this as far away from the surface as I could, I just want "normal" conversations. The other aspect really is nothing other than I never wanted to recount thy ways of growing up. I never wanted or anticipated that I could be so public about this pain - it just happened. Yeah, I was never going to recount thy ways of said endured abuse. I just pray you are able to forgive me.
For those just joining, my blog will NOT discuss child abuse or surviving it. This is a one time 3 part post and I am planning on moving on from here. I have left out names for a reason, please don't try to figure out if I am a long lost sibling or you think you may be bio mom, because I have ZERO interest in getting to know a person that HAD the capability to HATE their own offspring. I have an ANGER burning inside me regarding my bio mom and have NO interest in her, what SHE was going through, nor do I feel that she have any right or need to explain her side. She beat her side into me for years on end, even after several separations. I have a MOM and my MOM loves and cares for me. I have a link to my bio family and that is good enough, thank you auntie. I have loved making memories and traditions with you and your own family and I think my kids have too. (please don't repond here, send private email) Sign up with a false name, Elmer Fudd would be good, LOL and respond away. Anyway...
Do all the good you can... To all you can... and as often as you can... Blessings, Diane
P.S. There were so many questions and I am not going to answer them individually, I am hoping my honesty will answer the many questions you had. Feel free to leave comments, but this will be my FINAL post about my abused living.
P.S.S. I will not answer questions, nor do I want to share this to make a book deal - ARE you for real??? go away. The only person that is going to write a book about this will be ME and NO ONE else. Be gone with you I say - I vanquish you to sick city - to relish in someone else's pain - you got issues.