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Sunday, January 16, 2011

On account of abuse pt. #3.

Foster family #4 is now, known as my MOM and DAD. Yes, they adopted me, but they deserve nothing less than to be called my MOM and DAD, because they had a shell of an 8 year old (I weighed 32.4 pounds at 8 years and 3 months) little girl that was frightened and terrified of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I hid under the table at every noise and sound, retreated to the same place when I got a boo boo (got blood everywhere and mom wasn't too happy about it on her carpet, I just didn't want that band aid), refused alone time with my dad, after all, "all love from a man is going to hurt" and I wanted no part of it.

Now this is the extreme short story. My records are a staggering 10 pound pile of papers, the abuse from my step-dad is NOT in any reports, so it is uncertain if bio mom knew or hid the information, but I do remember. My mom insists there is more to my records than my 10 pound pile. For the 1970's this is really unheard of, things weren't kept on record or at least NOT to this magnitude. The fact, that I have records is in itself amazing.

I have a really close relationship with my bio aunt to this day and to me this is the only way for me to heal. I was apparently to her - EVERYTHING. I have trouble to this day believeing that I meant SOMETHING to someone, not to mention that she is a piece of my TRUE biological family.

They say everything is relative to something and I guess the abuse had a negative impact, thus creating relativness in my life. But, I don't think I am a negative spark in life that people made me out to be. I suppose I could have crawled in a hole and died like everyone wanted me to. I guess I could beat my kids into submission to be obiediant and submissive and not suffer through all the disorganization in my life. I guess I could just leave and let other people just deal with the mess I have made of things. I guess I could do all of this stuff because it is expected of me NOT to prevail and break through the walls of my hellish life. But, no people still often see me as a negative force (they probably won't read this, well, because I am smart STRONG enough not to let them back into my life) and all I want to say is that - I am a constant piece of work, everyday is a struggle and everyday is a day to work on something I am facing that would have been enough to place me in a padded room several years ago (remember BC, before children). I have to admit - I have a hard time making and keeping friends. I have never trusted anyone long enough to try (with the exception of my huband) and I probably won't ever to be able to. I do have friends, but they are always kept at an arms distance away, I never call and invite ANYONE to hang out for a day, I NEVER hang out with a friend to just hang out and be women on a mission of fun, I never do girls day or night. I wouldn't know what to do, what to say, but my most prized relationship is with my husband. He has been my best friend for more than half my life and even after 16 years of wedded bliss we are very happily married. Having kids definitely has dented my ability to think I can, I think I can. But, then again, a few of my friends say they go through the same thing and they say they had a "normal" upbringing. So, do I dare say I am "normal" - Well, I don't dare venture to the "normal" side of things, just as I won't allow myself to hang out on a chance. I will keep thinking things through, rationalize if, what, when, and how and by the grace of God live beyond what the statistics said or continues to show about people "who were abused."

To my friends who read this, what is there for me to say other than, I am sorry. Some of you know I was abused, but I guess, I just never put myself out there to trust in you or our friendship (I am sorry). There are so many other things I wanted to discuss and shovel this as far away from the surface as I could, I just want "normal" conversations. The other aspect really is nothing other than I never wanted to recount thy ways of growing up. I never wanted or anticipated that I could be so public about this pain - it just happened. Yeah, I was never going to recount thy ways of said endured abuse. I just pray you are able to forgive me.

For those just joining, my blog will NOT discuss child abuse or surviving it. This is a one time 3 part post and I am planning on moving on from here. I have left out names for a reason, please don't try to figure out if I am a long lost sibling or you think you may be bio mom, because I have ZERO interest in getting to know a person that HAD the capability to HATE their own offspring. I have an ANGER burning inside me regarding my bio mom and have NO interest in her, what SHE was going through, nor do I feel that she have any right or need to explain her side. She beat her side into me for years on end, even after several separations. I have a MOM and my MOM loves and cares for me. I have a link to my bio family and that is good enough, thank you auntie. I have loved making memories and traditions with you and your own family and I think my kids have too. (please don't repond here, send private email) Sign up with a false name, Elmer Fudd would be good, LOL and respond away. Anyway...

Do all the good you can... To all you can... and as often as you can... Blessings, Diane

P.S. There were so many questions and I am not going to answer them individually, I am hoping my honesty will answer the many questions you had. Feel free to leave comments, but this will be my FINAL post about my abused living.

P.S.S. I will not answer questions, nor do I want to share this to make a book deal - ARE you for real??? go away. The only person that is going to write a book about this will be ME and NO ONE else. Be gone with you I say - I vanquish you to sick city - to relish in someone else's pain - you got issues.

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