Great!! Just what i wanted

Merry Christmas again. I can't stand kids who expect to receive something and then they pout when they get something they don't like. I have two disabled younger brothers and my brother who lives in a type of assisted living is grateful for everything he has and is given. He is also VERY willing to work, and work hard to earn money. He has Williams Syndrome. My other brother, Bobby has Asperger's Syndrome and expects to be bailed out of everything. He doesn't appreciate anything including my mom, who has done everything to help him. So, naturally I have a gauge of what I don't want for my boys, but if they are disabled I want them to appreciate everything and do everything they are capable of - work to their full potential. I believe and was raised to think that NOTHING in life should be handed to anyone, unless the person is unable. When I was unable, my state wasn't willing to help me - when the doctor said "Diane is disabled" even when I paid my own hard earned money into SS (that will be a few posts on their own). My brother Bobby gets money every month to sit and play video games and can work - he just doesn't want to - I want to work and can't. Anyway, we were at a family gathering for Christmas and surprisingly my kids were very well behaved. I was a proud momma... until...

I don't know when it turned sour - I was just so proud that, I didn't have to threaten, do timeouts, remove a present (for a few hours), leave unexpectedly, etc. My brothers on the other hand, had created a few embarrassing moments (thankfully, my kids didn't see any of the scenes). It became time to open and share gifts. My kids came in and took a seat next to us. My kids took gifts, but to me it appeared they weren't saying thank you when they received the gift and give an additional thank you of excitement that "oh, wow I love your gift thank you" whether they had 10 of that item or completely hated it. I am sorry, but that behavior aggravates the ***bleep*** of me.

When my mom started handing out gifts (see photo) 
this is how they looked. Regardless, my mom took the boys shopping, and spent some time to make this day special (this year - she really tried much harder than any other year) for them. I was incredibly upset with their behavior, because they can work things out among themselves later. They had done it earlier today. We started a new tradition - hiding a pickle ornament and the person who found it received a special gift (this year it was an e-reader). Addison found the ornament and later told Gage (who loves to read) that he can have the pickle gift. I knew they were capable of working things out. So when my mom gave gifts out they got mixed up and really they are going to the same house, so does it matter? I learned today that my kids are ungrateful and will probably be a menace to society.

I mean look at these sour pouts on them - you wouldn't know that they just received gifts totaling more than $150.00 and really does that really matter??? Would you actively sit at someones house with these faces??? (see photo left). So, now I have to do something extreme - I think personal thank you notes are in order this year. My kids have to understand how much time and thought went into giving the gifts they received.

What would you do if these were your kids (now mind you if there were a clock in the room, you would have seen that at least 10 - 15 minutes had gone by between the two photos, so they were poised in this position for sometime and it was embarrassing. Should I take the gifts they were ungrateful for? I really want to send the message home that no matter what is given (even in life) you should be thankful and show you are grateful and gratitude even if you completely dislike something.

I am grateful for all of you who read this and intend to reply to my e-mail - but, please leave a public comment - there may be other families reading this and think your idea is a great one. I am grateful no matter a private e-mail or a public comment.

Do all the good you can... To all you can... and as often as you can... Blessings, Diane

Got to believe to receive

Merry Christmas everyone. For those of you that are just joining - I have three boys 10, 13, & 15. They are ultra cool this year because supposedly they don't believe. I was told countless times - "to stop", "I was being annoying." So, we didn't really wrap stuff up in private thinking they ***pause with gasp*** didn't believe in the magic of Christmas anymore. I told all of them in order to recieve they need to believe.

Because of how incredibly organized I am and the quality neatness of my humble abode, everything was already wrapped, tied up in bows, and we could relax. Bahahabahahaha, this is me we are talking about. Several tornadoes blew into our home over the last several years, a few bombs have gone off and we have never recovered. My home is never meant to be in a Home and Garden magazine. We really had no plans of any kind, so around 9:30 we told the kids to get ready for bed.

Around 9:30 / 10:00 my 10 year old (Jaden) came down to take his meds. He looked around and looked strange (I already know I have weird kids) so I didn't question. Then out of the blue he said, where are the cookies? I told him it was time for bed and let's go. Then he said in a low voice (not quite a whisper) - "I want to put out the cookies and milk".

As you can imagine, my heart sank and swelled at the same time - this will probably be his last year of believing. I live in fear every year that I have done some irreprepable damage to my kids (by not getting them something off their list) or not doing something special enough, or lying to them. The list goes on and on.

We were thinking of doing the three wise men this year, but I am glad we didn't. There is something magical about Christmas - I want my kids to have happy memories and the reason why Christmas is so special. We believe Jesus was born on this day, we believe Jesus was perfect in every way, we believe in celebrating Christmas day. Jesus is the reason for this season.

I think my kids believe in Christmas for all the right reasons - Do you believe to receive? if not, it is never too late. Merry Christmas everyone - Happy Birthday Jesus. ... Do all the good you can... As often as you can ... to as many as you can... Until next time.

Blessings, Diane

Abbreviated Living

Today, children are not only born in a hospital, but under medication and a completely controlled environment. Yet, these children have the biggest medical terminology baggage that we had to create abbreviations for. Common abbreviations are IEP, CP, PDD, OCD, ADHD, ADD, ODD, plus a lot more. Remember the states and their capitols? Well, if you don't know their abbreviations, having a child in this day and age - you are going to need to know all the abbreviations that they and other children come with.

Please know that my list won't even cover a small fraction of abbreviations related to special needs kids. Let's start with the easy ones ADHD (Attention Deficiet Hyperactivity Disorder) this is reserved for the child who has difficulty sitting and working on a project. They are unable to focus on one particular event - they are often disorganized and messy. They move in stealth like manner and very difficult to reel in - they often cause embarrassing moments in public and make you look like a MEAN or bad parent, because it looks like you lost control of your kid. ADD (Attention Deficiet Disorder) Most people commonly confuse ADD and ADHD. I have two children with ADHD and the other one is ADD. The main difference between the two is the hyperactivity (unable to control impulsive type behavior). For example: My son with ADD has medication but only receives it on school days. He needs help in his ability to stay focused in his classes so he retains the information taught. ADD children are better at organization, and normally appear to have no negative socialization issues. The days that he is NOT medicated, are not difficult on me - whereas my other two children unmedicated would be enough to have me committed (that would be my vacation, LOL).

CP (Cerebral Palsy) this is commonly caused from traumatic birth or a traumatic event in utero. There is NO test for this, and most babies don't show signs until they continuously miss milestones (where the pediatrician tells you every baby develops at their own pace). CP is diagnosed by CT Scan (Cat scan) of the head. You don't want to see voids in the scan. The profile goes from mild to severe (wheelchair bound children). My oldest was diagnosed with a mild form when he was 4.5 years old. You wouldn't even know he has it - his CP affects him academically (it is harder for him to learn) and he has tight heel cords so he was a toe walker.

IEP (Individualized Educational Plan) This is what most children get when they are deficient in one (33%) area, or (25%) in two or more areas at the age of 3. If you child shows deficiencies the school district is OBLOGATED to provide special services that are soley based on your childs needs and academic goals. There is a group of professionals (well they have a degree in "special needs") that meet with the parent to provide an educational plan just for the specific child in need. One important thing to remember is that this meeting is for your child and your child alone. You the parent know what is best - you as the parent aren't at this meeting to make friends - speak up if you disagree with the plan. Due to the state of the economy a lot of services are being cut, but if your child needs a service that has been cut, you have every right to ask for it for your child. Don't take "NO" for an answer. Make the district responsible should anything happen. My oldest child is Bipolar (we didn't know at the time) and he can be extremely violent. Well when he was in 5th grade, the incidents kept escalating so we asked for an aide at school to prevent injuries to other children (it was a safety precaution). We were denied - I desperately tried to get the district to understand that the violence was picking up and we were worried. DENIED, DENIED. Finally, we wrote a legal letter asking the school to remove us as liabilities in case another child got hurt on school grounds, since we were denied an aide. Three days later, our son threw a book at a teacher hitting her in the temple. The teacher fully recovered after an overnight in the hospital - guess what we had by the end of the week? An aide. You the parent really knows best and fight for what is right.

Well, I was aiming for a shorter post this time and it is long. I will continue this rant in another post later on. Until next time... Do all the good you can... As often as you can...To as many as you can... Be Blessed

Spell - I am Angry

Jaden is our youngest and has a ton of labels with initials (saving for another post). He has decided to try failing at school. I don't know he is a vey bright child and learning comes natural to him. He is one of those kids who never has homework, and gets A's and B's. In other words, a kid I would often hate when I was in school. I had to work hard to earn a C!

Let me set the scene: It is a week before Christmas and all through the house ... nah, nah, nah. It was a week before Christmas, but mind you, I am threatened all the time - so I usually pay no mind. Jaden is upset that I made him do something he didn't want to do and he yelled at me, well I am going to fail all of my tests. Ok, whatever. Now, most schools use teacher ease or like there of, but our school is a small private gathering and we use accountability sheets. These sheets come home every Monday, so imagine my surprise when I see an accountability sheet with 5 test scores of all failing grades attached to it. I go and ask Jaden and he politely reminds me "Don't you remember, I was going to fail all of my tests last week." WHAT THE ****, and several other expletives came to mind along with wanting to choke him on the spot. So, his punishment was to write all the spelling words he got wrong 10 times each. Now, he failed the test so there were quite a few to write, but please remember these kids are in a private school so the 10 words we had to remember when we went to school is NOTHING compared to the 35 these kids have EACH WEEK.

Two hours go by and he is still crying. Finally, I go into the study and see bits of paper on the floor. I ask to see his spelling test and he hands me the accountability sheet packet and it is out of order, stapled backwards, and some tests are upside down. Perplexed, I asked Jaden what happened - He was like "What do you mean?" I mean I am on medication, but not that much that I wouldn't have noticed the packet like it is currently. I started putting all the pieces (and literally as well) together and was shocked. My child had the balls (yes, I am sorry - this child blew me away with how far he is willing to go to prove his point TWICE already in a span of 2 hours) to rip up the test beyond repair (which he will regret later) and try to pass it off as a lost and wandering test.

Well, we thought we needed to show him how far we would go to prove our point that you don't fail on purpose, nor do you try to LOSE your form of punishment. He had to write the entire spelling list including vocabulary 10 times each. (Which I have a secret stash of spelling lists that he did NOT know I had, just in case he forgot to bring the list home. It takes too long for them to recite 35 to 40 words over the phone). When I produced a copy of the spelling list - he was absolutely beside himself. He tried to piece back the original test to do less work - he ripped this test beyond what my paper shredder can do - I mean it would have taken less time to do that then what he did and I may never had known what happened to it either. I wonder how many other papers have met their end in the shredder - UMMMM, I am going to have to do something about that, anyway...

My kids have this aversion to writing on the right side of the paper and or legibly for this type of punishment. An hour or less later he came to me with this beautiful handwritten paper with more than half of his list (which got him dinner). I mean this paper needs to be in a frame. I told his teacher about the incident and we quietly laughed together. He wants to see this paper - and see if Jaden learned his lesson. I don't think Jaden will rip up a failed test anytime soon and I think (he is getting work over vacation and it is optional, however, due to recent failed grades, it is not optional for Jaden and the completed work will help improve some of his grades) he will not threaten to fail his tests anytime soon. How far is your child willing to go on a threat he or she has said to you??? I would love to hear about your story. Until next time my kids do something disorganized - give it about an hour and they are sleeping now, LOL....

Disorder in the dis order

Some of you know I have had carpel tunnel surgery on the left hand and it was successfully released. However, I HAVE to do the right hand and according to tests - the right is much worse than the left. This has been no picnic - I can't believe how much I depend on BOTH of my hands. While going through this fiasco, I found out that I should go see an oncologist. I won't get into all the details right now, but I can't even get out of the dark from one issue to the next. There is this black cloud following me all the time. The hand issue needs immediate attention and so does the oncologist appointment - so I ask questions as any good patient does and I am told to take care of my hands because I won't heal well during radiation or chemo treatment.

Did she just say radiation or chemo to me? What? really? So, you have my full attention now. Looking back at the whole scenario, I was just plan stupid. I just wasn't thinking there was a problem. I was thinking I was going through a routine exam, although it took 4 visits to complete the routine exam. So, I went for a 2nd opinion today and this doctor didn't nearly have as much difficulty as the other doctor, however, he did tell me that he can understand as to why there was trouble. So, I sit wondering if that trouble is a true medical issue or problem. I did ask, but I felt like the doctor avoided answering the whole question and wants to wait for the test results to come back and we will talk further after that.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, I am still healing from the carpel tunnel surgery. I went to OT therapy the other day and I was yelled at, because apparently I am not supposed to be using my hand yet and not for another 3 or 4 weeks. Do they know I am having the other hand done next Tuesday??? I will have 3 kids (ok, boys people - my kids are all BOYS) home on Christmas break. I can't believe I am going to go through with all of this chaos.

I know, I know my blog hasn't changed at all. I really underestimated what I was going to be able to do. I wasn't able to do anything. I have an idea of how I want to change my blog and going about that change will take time. I am constantly in disorder, never organized and I have huge plans for everything I just never get there, but I always mean well. Until next time ... Do all the good you can... as often as you can... to as many as you can... Blessings

Blah, blah, blah - BLOG

Well, another month has rolled on and not much has changed in services for Gage. Although a disappointing report (both in findings and wording) came in and basically stated that Gage is STABLE enough for a home environment. I still haven't finished reading the report because it was obvious (to me) that the case manager wasn't supporting me. Several times in one paragraph "... the mother believes...". Well I thought they were on my side, I thought WE all believed and WE all were working together. The report has been in my home for 5-6 weeks and I just can't seem to move past it or finish reading past the 2nd page of a 6 - 8 page report. I need prayer to work through this.

Through this blog I have learned a lot. Thanks to my readers, though nobody would know you exist, because, nobody is logged on as a follower. So click on the "follow" link, so that I don't think I am typing to myself or making a fool of myself.

My biggest fear was mentioned by a few of you in individual e-mails and I was able to get a case manager on my side, FINALLY. I had a big fear and concern and it felt like nobody was listening (for years actually). My fear was that society (including schools and our government) is training kids with emotional or psychological disabilities that our communities, citizens local and government (society) needs to FIT THEM IN; due to their dis-ability of inappropriate display of emotions. That is all well and good, but logistically some of these kids are not physically handicapped. My belief is that they need to be trained in how to FIT INTO society and become manageable citizens of society. Why are we training perfectly abled persons to be handicapped and not enabling them to be successful (I am referring to the law "No child left behind)?. My friend's daughter is physically handicapped and in a wheelchair. The entire time I have known this family the school had been training her to be enabled as an active member of society like she isn't different. My son had to go to an out of district placement for safety reasons, but is being trained that society has to fit him in. So, this earmarks our "NEW" journey of fighting to get our son to "FIT IN" and have the best fighting chance to go to college like he wants. I don't care if he starts at county, but right now, he attends a school pretty far away and I don't think it is a college preparatory type school - he doesn't do any research or grammar papers. No science labs, or history projects. I am worried that with college looming in TWO years that not teaching him time limits, writing papers, following detailed instructions that we are setting him up for failure even if it is at county. He doesn't even know the first thing about time management and understanding those boundaries will help him with understanding himself first and then apply them to his life and studies. Please follow me in this journey together and feel free to leave comments or encouraging words of wisdom - I can use all the help I can get!
So because I have nothing else to do - I will be fighting for our son to change to a different school that will teach him how to fit into society. So, if you pray; please hold me near and dear in your prayer - I will need all of my faith to get through this.

My blog is so blah, blah, blah so I will be making some changes and hope you enjoy them. I will be having a surgery next week with another on the heels of that one. There may be other procedures in the following months and college in January to finish getting my Masters. On top of all, that we are heading into the Christmas season. So keep following... until next time...

when is enough???

I am always so drained in talking about what happens in our home. Each event age me about 20 years and I had trouble with my age before all of this, LOL.

Sad to say NOBODY called to report to CPS. A lot of teachers knew, saw the bruises, the case manager knew and saw the bruises and nobody thought to call to protect the other two kids - really. It is difficult to keep services if everything gets ignored and swept under the rug. I can't report my own child, but this child needs to be held accountable.

Yesterday at school he got into a fist fight over tin foil.

I have my thoughts running way ahead of my ability to type - I will finish this blog in word processor and continue this another day. Just pray and stay tuned

tough day

Ok, I need a cool off session. I make all these plans, schedules, appointments, and a lot of other stuff. Today the kids were working on their crew and room charges and a bickering fight insued. I was trying to get both the boys to stop and all of a sudden Gage decided to attack Addison and smash his head into the sliding glass door, I am trying to call 911 but, no phone service. they separate 20 minutes later out of the blue another fight insues. Gage was going to make phone calls, but decided to slam the phone down and attack Addison while he was paying no attention. He slammed Addison's head multiple times into the glass door. I jump up to split the two and Gage pushed me to the side like I was dust.

Gage decided to run away once he heard the police were coming. So they picked him up and he feels that he had every right to physically attack another person. I am hoping that the bruising on Addison will allow a teacher to call authorities. This job as a mother is hard and turning in your own kid feels awful. I would rather someone else report the after effects (bruising) and make Gage accountable for his actions. It is the only way to save Gage and develop something that could be one day special.

take care and another blog will be sent out soon

I am sticking with that

Jaden, Jaden, Jaden you are the most unique boy I know on the planet and love you like crazy. Is how I would start this letter to Jaden's new wife (hahahahaha) years to come please. But the story starts with Jaden out in the backyard 3 days after the start of 5th grade. Get a tissue or use the restroom before reading the next paragraph. I warned you...
So we believe in child slavery (mean parents that we are) and had the kids do some yard detail by picking up some sticks from a recent storm. Stick collecting is one of Jaden's favorite hobbies and he seems so in the zone and focused on this particular task. So, we are all doing our things and all of a sudden I hear Shawn yell "Jaden you ok" and again "Jaden you ok" and then heavy workboots quickly making their way off the deck - so now I am running out of the house how much is he bleeding, keep pressure on it, bring him in the house while I collect emergency supplies. Picture me running through the house getting alcohol, blood test kit, for his diabetes, paper towels, etc. Now, I am winded from getting things together as they walk into the house. Jaden is screaming and holding his forehead. I am thinking the worst, oh but something is missing - where's the blood????
Several blood curling screaming minutes went by and Jaden wouldn't let us look at the damage or tell us what happened. So I went up to Jaden and pulled a few fingers back to find NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING. UMPH, what is wrong with this child??? So, I ask him to tell me what happened and I quote his story "Daddy wants all the sticks collected and I was trying to fix this one stick - which was GONNA be my special stick and it BROKE" His comment was soo sassy and full of anger, but was he hurt? We now see the beginnings of a knot on his forehead - so furthing inquiry was needed, but we have to check out the rest of him and God please grant peace on this child to calmly tell me what happened.
A few jokes and pokes later Jaden seems fine, so I start to ask what happened and he told me "I was trying to fix this stick and it broke" ok, but I didn't get or understand the crying - does your head hurt? was my reply "NO, my stick is broken" ok, you let me know if your head hurts so if you need tylenol I can give it to you "NO, MY STICK BROKE" and he started to cry again.
Oh, I get it now you are crying because your stick broke and that you are NOT hurt??? YES!!! oh brother, this child needs to get out more.
This whole scene was probably spanned about 10 - 15 minutes maximum - and we are still laughing at the fact that he was crying for his stick being hurt - I think he wanted me to offer bandages and tylenol to the stick and mad at me that I didn't offer that for the sake of the stick. We explained that the Lord makes all things, some fall, some rise, some are weak, and some break, but in the end it is what God made it to be. He will make more sticks and some are going to be weak, and some are going to be strong, but it's journey has already been planned, so you need no worry that a stick has broken, there are other stronger ones along the way.
Well, Jaden wanted to stick with that stick and nothing else mattered. What a unique child

stay posted - I have a lot more blogs coming - I am having a difficult time medically and with Jaden in school so I will post when I can. Stay tuned though

Duck, Duck - GOOSE

So, people wanna know why we have a duck (and now a goose) for a pet. What a strange family. Why couldn't they just be happy with a dog? Well, we have a lot of animals and that is the way we are. We embrace God's creatures (more than some people, even farmers without the farm). Well, we started with a cat (I don't like cats, and terrified of them now) then got a standard Poodle "Ashley" who suddenly passed away this passed April. We then wanted a small lap dog, and bought "Chloe" a toy Poodle. The pet snowball escalated from there and it all started from a small stuffed animal and into a science fair project.

Let me explain first that, we never said we were going to have a lot of kids, animals, quiet time, or a lot of anything. It just happened and we love each one. Like so many of our funny stories, it starts with Jaden when he was about 4 (he was 4 for 4 years - inside joke, yet another blogging event, LOL) and we were passing a store who had bean bag animals. I picked up this cute little duck, and he named it "Chase Carpet Lifrak". This stuffed duck went to the ends of the earth and back. It has survived Jaden's world (and that is BIG). It still is kicking somewhere in the house. When Jaden started kindergarten we thought it was so cute that he was obesessed with ducks and never thought anything wrong with it, he was still young. The teacher was awesome and embraced Jaden's love of ducks. So when the science fair was brewing she thought Jaden should do something with ducks.

Ok, but it had to be simple enough that a 5 year old would do on their own. We thought a little hanger mobile of a duck's life cycle would be cute and educational for all the kids. Then the teacher mentioned hatching eggs and it was all down hill from there. There would be NO way to hatch a cute little duck and say good bye have a nice life. Jaden would fall hook, line, and sinker. If my husband didn't say "it would be neat to have a pet duck," I wouldn't be blogging about pet ducks. I had no idea that ducks made such great pets, and then I found a lady who makes diapers to keep them in the house - that had me hooked and Shawn sunk.

Well, I did all the research - even bought the hatching eggs on E-bay and set up a mini hatchery at the kids school. Hatch day couldn't come soon enough. Most of the school got to see a developing embryo in the egg (too funny all the kids in a small utility closet peering through eggs on top of an empty toilet roll with a flashlight underneath) and near the end, some even saw the beak, pecking to get out. Oh, yeah and there we a few mommies that did a day shift in the classroom thinking that day was "THE DAY". You know who you are, LOL. We had several ducklings and they were so adorable.

Jaden got his wish - a pet duck. She (Chase Carpet Lifrak) was the best - she would jump on the furniture to sit with you (or sleep on our chest), steal food off of your plate, follow me (when Jaden wasn't home) everywhere, talk to me, etc. I put her out on the back deck, to give her a break from her diaper and we think a fox came for duck dinner. We never saw a trace of her anywhere. We had to, of course, hatch another duck, Max. He was a jumbo Pekin duck and someone harbored ill will toward him and shot him on our back deck.

I won't go into much detail other than we thought he was healing. We went on vacation several weeks later and when we got back I noticed that clearly he wasn't well. We thought it would best for Jaden to get to say good bye this time and Max died in his arms. We all cried, Jaden kept going to the box for one last goodbye (so, it wasn't such a good idea). So, we hatch another batch of ducks and got Snickers.

Snickers is a Jaden ONLY animal and he was ready to say goodbye to a live, happy duck this spring - Snickers is a lovely duck (maybe on a dinner plate, LOL - I am sure I have a few people who would agree to how nasty he is to other people), that bites. He will hunt you down, chase you and grab hold of your skin and give you a good pinch, but believe me when I say he is gentler than what you would find in a park!!! People always seem fasinated with him and lean down to talk to him, well he enjoys jumping up at your face to get a good grip on your nose - stay away.

Hence, our newest addition Lucy; the goose. She is a white sebastopol goose. She is a white goose with a spiral perm and her deposition is awesome. We held on to her hatch mate longer than we should have, due to angel wing that needed special care before going to her home. The original plan was to allow Snickers the duck, go to place where he would be free and keep Lucy  to show (like a 4H or something). So, for now we have a duck and a goose as house pets.

Diapering, the flock; is very easy (not that they are cooperative), it is not at all painful and most don't even mind. Snickers minds and he isn't too often diapered. Lucy loves the freedom of the house and will often sit on the back deck, where she can crane her neck to see me (as if to say, I am out here if you care at all). So, I guess it really depends on the disposition of the waterfowl. I have read that if I were to keep the diapering as part of Snickers schedule he would be fine.

Ducks eat duck food, and keep in mind that when you go to your local park and feed the ducks bread - that you are killing them. All bread has yeast which rises when wet (baked or not) and it thickens in their crop and then they can't digest food. If you want to feed the ducks and geese at the park, pond, lake or anything buy cracked corn or unmedicated poultry/fowl food. A 50lb bag runs about $12 or less. Until next time...

All work, no play

As I write this blog in a hotel room in PA I am thinking of something funny or anything that would take my mind off of the recent passing of a really good friend, Pat. His memorial service was earlier tonight and it was a nice service, but I couldn't stop tearing up. I had my Nook with me (I know it sounds rude, but I had to escape the sad feelings) and wouldn't you know it (I am reading The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud) I am at the part of ... death - I can't give it away for those who are reading or want to watch the movie. So now I am crying about the story line, crying about Norma losing Pat ... uggghhhh Lord help me please!!!

I then remember Jaden at the lake this afternoon doing a chore for his great grandma Love. When this boy is good he is real good and when he is ... he is ...  So anyway, this chore was supposed to be a 5 minute thing. Each time we lapped with a skiier there he is scrubbing away. He was asked to brush the bottom step walking into the lake, (it is slippery from the lake moss and algae). We went around the lake about 4 or 5 times and when we got back he was still working (we were out in the boat for over an hour and half). We were pretty worried there wouldn't be a step brick left.

He weeded the whole wall and brushed the entire wall clean of algae. I couldn't believe how content and thorough he was with this chore. We had to leave and my mom said he continued to work on the wall and the stairs long after we left. These are the moments I am proud to be a mother. I don't expect them to be perfect, but when they expect their job be perfect it tells me he learned it from his parents and that makes me proud.

I haven't blogged much about Jaden and that is because I thought he needed a background blog all to himself, but here it is in a nut shell: Jaden is 10 years old, going into 5th grade at American Christian School, he is type 1 diabetic, he has ADHD and has another medical issue (Guillian Barre) that excuses him from any further immunizations. He suffers from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), audio processing disorder, some socialization issues, and is depressed. Jaden had stopped growing a few years ago and I had another doctor take a look before going to a specialist and low and behold - he was Diabetic type 1. He is NOT on insulin yet, but I wasn't crazy in trying insulin to get his body to start growing, but I was willing to try unconventional other form of medication to see if it would help. He has been on the medication for over a year and it has started to finally pay off. He started to grow this past April, and probably will cost me a fortune in new uniforms in September.

Jaden is a free spirited child. He loves all critters, bugs, animals, sticks, stones, acorns, pine cones, etc. He collects them all and when I do the wash I feel like I am in the great outdoors. He takes everything and of course, I have to touch, ohhh, and ahhhh at everything. Yes, I am the total boy mom. I don't know why God picked me, I don't like germs or the gross things boys do. Yuck, yuck, yuck. This child keeps me on my toes all the time and sometimes I hear stories of what he did, all I want to do is laugh (because it is funny to hear what he did, it isn't funny when he does it to you though).

Glad you could join me in this blog on the better side of life. I am thinking about what to blog next about. Maybe the kids made up language would be fun. Need to put some fun in here or no one will want to read. For sure, if Jaden is in the blog - he gives me a run for my money - maybe he will do the same for your reading the blog. He sometimes makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time. Love you JJ you are one of a kind.

Eni miney MOE

Parenting for me is like being one of the 3 stooges. When I am at the end of my rope and nothing else is working eye boinking looks pretty good, but in today's time we the parents aren't allowed to do a hands on approach to discipline. Even an arm grab could end up with the children being removed from the home.

It used to be the age where the CPS (Child Protective Services, in NJ it is DYFS) had to prove child abuse now the CPS takes the kids and you have to prove you are a good parent in court. You are totally guilty and have to prove your innocence when it come to disciplining / parenting your kids today. I do believe in spanking, but not all behaviors require a spank. We have tried every kind of parenting out there, without going over the edge, but was it all worth it looking back?  NO WAY! I would totally do things over.

I think the total key is that if a spank out weighs the risk of the bad behavior you have parented correctly. For example: a young child who keeps walking (in my case; running) into the street, it is better to spank that behavior, because the end result of not spanking could be getting hit by a car resulting in severe injury. So totally worth the spank, in my opinion. The other issue I agree about spanking is control. If the parent shows total control of his or her feelings in the reprimand spank, the child in turn learns they were out of control. Fear plays a HUGE role - I think fear is a healthy and good to know and understand limits. Spanking delivers fear - timeouts, 123 magic, grounding, etc. don't deliver the right kind of fear that is healthy.

Most parents come up with a plan of parenting before they actually get to the stage and both parents on the same page helps. But what happens if the choice you agreed on doesn't work? That is what happened to us. With my background of being abused as a child the choice of spank free parenting made sense to us, with the exception of behaviors that were considered dangerous; those warranted ONE spank. Oh we discussed and agreed on situations out the wazoo, no more than ONE spank of a well padded diapered butt - if you missed oh well. Our other plan of discipline was time out. Well if you have a child with ADHD or unknown emotional issues you had better plan differently.

Time outs were grueling. I couldn't get them to stay in the chair, then that even became a hazard. So recommendations where to use a safety harness that was attached to the chair. That worked until they learned how to use a zipper. Then we graduated to using a car seat that was bolted to the wall - the bolt is still in the wall to this day. For Addison the time outs were often enough punishment. With Jaden we had plenty of repeat offenses, but usually after 2 or 3 times the behavior disappeared. With Gage timeouts were NOT effective at all. You name it we tried it. We have had specialists tell us what to do, doctors, behaviorists, case managers, therapists, etc. The list goes on and on. So, here I am blogging about to spank or not to spank.

If any of us parents were to research what has changed over the last two generations the findings would be too many to list. Two major impacts that have changed the most is food preparation (obesity in children) and legal rights parents have regarding parenting. While diet can make for variations of mood swings, sensitivites to sugar overload, etc. diet alone isn't enough to cause children to terminate other children. The other big change was to laws regarding notification, what to report, who can report, and CPS must respond to ALL calls (parents must prove they are innocent - so we are guilty first before they even get to the house).

Children today are educated that being hit by their parents is illegal and that they can tell any adult at school. This is part of the education safety system that has been enacted along with the "No child left behind" and other programs instituted to protect our children. Although now our children need protecting from other children. Gage pulls the "I am going to tell my teacher you ..." and remember the healthy fear I explained earlier, well I have that fear (not my children) and that sets in and I feel powerless to discipline my own kids. Our good ole tax dollars are working hard against us, they can't hardly settle state issues, but want to stick a stake into my child because NJ doesn't have enough issues. How about funding better bully programs, anger management programs, keeping kids accountable for breaking the law regardless of mental capacity, etc. I can go on. Well, I am here to tell you that spanking your children is NOT against the law and if you believe your child needs it, don't hesitate or allow your child to hold that "I am going to tell my teacher..." over you.

Here is what is most important: As parents we MUST provide safe shelter, clothing (appropriate for the weather, it counts even if it is in the child's closet or drawers), and food. I have found that while they are at school that emptying their room of everything except for necessities and taking away everything that is above and beyond shelter, food and clothing works very well. The only problem is that it often ends with Gage in the hospital and a high price tag in repairs to walls, cars, anything in his war path.

In closing, I believe in spanking - I don't agree to beating, but a good spank is definitely not harmful. Yes, I have read all the books, I don't agree with their statements. If I hadn't been abused myself, I probably would have believed all the phooy and baloney they wrote. Also, I don't remember anyone going into schools shooting people either back when everybody was spanked and some families used a belt, a wooden spoon, etc. - actually I don't believe anyone had gone into buildings shooting people not when my mom was little and not when I was younger - so what is it that really changed these kids. The state has too much control over how we parent our children. I think if they take the serious cases and allow other families parent their kids - kids won't terminate other kids.

Who let the dog out

Hopefully this will be the last background blog. It is named Who let the dog out, because a lot of people want to know who let the dog out and often nobody admits to it. We are still wondering who let the dog out??? We were often told there is nothing wrong, but had all these problems. So who or what is to blame for all of this?

Gage enters kindergarten with classification of delayed speech and mild learning delay. I take him to a developmental neurologist and she orders special tests the results come back, Gage has a mild form of Cerebral Palsy (he is still walking on his toes) so we are sent to an orthopedist for AFO's, they work like a dream. They helped him keep flat foot for when he stands but, had a hinge for him to walk. This had been the third orthopedist we had been to and if we had known sooner than 5 years of age I think we would have done something legally with the doctor that ignored my complaints while I was pregnant.

First grade not anything spectacular happened. Half way through Gage's second grade we moved hoping for better services for Gage. We saw that he was struggling more, but getting less support from the school. Our new school district kept the IEP in place and I guess Gage fell through the cracks. All the other kids were maturing, but not Gage. We were still having toddler tantrums and they were getting worse and longer. Nobody said anything that the behaviors were inappropriate or said they thought there was something wrong – I was concerned. I didn't see anyone else's child behaving like they were 2 when they didn't get what they wanted. He also hung on to things for too long, like having a one track mind and when he didn't get what he wanted he had a complete meltdown. Then the meltdown escaladed into violent outbursts or throwing stuff or damaging property.

Fourth grade was a rough year. This was the first year Gage was going to have a male teacher and I was very excited about that. I was hoping that Gage would thrive with a male teacher, so I was looking for new beginning, however, Gage started being violent in school. I put in a request for an aide which was denied and shortly thereafter, Gage threw a book at a teacher and the corner of it hit a teacher in the temple. A few weeks later the district started interviewing for an aide for him. The violent outbursts started increasing and, in intensity. I called around and got a few resources that started at home crisis intervention and therapy. Family intervention graduated us and the services stopped. We fought and fought the school district to get Gage into another school to be able to handle the violent outbursts – we had to pull the court card to get what he needed. It was ridiculous.

Fifth grade was at a school for children/adolescences with emotional needs. It seemed to be working, but all of a sudden Gage's outburst became safety issues and he was hospitalized at CCIS for one week and then had two other hospitalizations (between January and August) at Summit Oaks hospital. We had to face reality that the situation wasn't getting better; Gage's behavior was becoming more eradicate and unpredictable. At one of his therapy sessions, he had gone outside in anger and brought in a 20' limb to hit the therapist with. The therapist said she "could no longer help Gage". Now, what??? Well, Shawn and I decided to call DYFS for help, since I was like a prisoner in my own home. Gage would go into school and say "mom/dad hit him" and guess who came to visit? We were tired and had nowhere else to go for help. We demanded they (DYFS) help and Gage was placed in a residential program. He spent two years there, which he then aged out. He really wasn't ready to leave the program, but there weren't any other options.

Gage came home September 2009. He has been home a year and a lot has gone on in just one year. Have I left out pieces of the puzzle? Absolutely! Not because I meant to or wanted to. There is certainly some private stuff that shouldn't be shared with the world, but the background information would take forever. Gage is now 15 and heading into his sophomore year of high school. He is at a school that caters to teens with emotional issues. SO, where are we today?? Every day is a struggle. We have to watch that we avoid certain words, try to redirect him like he is 3 years old, use time outs, and do the same schedule day in and day out (it is posted everywhere in the house). ALL important stuff has to be laminated so he can't destroy it. Certain issues have to be recorded to keep services. Last month he started hitting his bus driver while he was driving down route 10 with other kids in the car, all because he thought his bus driver was lying to him (and because they didn't file a report, we may be losing ALL of his services). Last week he grabbed the steering wheel when my mom was driving. The state wants me to take him to a therapist??? What are they out of their minds?? I won't drive with Gage in the car, not since he barreled over the seats to beat up Addison while I sat in traffic and couldn't do anything. I can't leave Jaden home alone yet, he is too young and he is diabetic. Gage's mood moves faster than the wind and it is hard to determine before stuff hits the fan. So for now, Gage is NOT a passenger when I am driving. Life is already difficult, but it is about to get worse.

Well, I just found out last Wednesday, that the CMO is going to drop Gage. I knew we were having a meeting, but what I didn't know was that the CMO's plan is to drop Gage's services because the STATE wants cases closed sooner than later. You know, I don't get the STATE of NJ – they don't want parents disciplining their children, but when the families need help they make it so difficult to get services, not to mention how SLOW they are to put them in place. My feelings on this matter will be my first controversial blog. I feel because we aren't allowed to parent our children properly, there is a huge risk that any child with that is unstable and or have emotional issues can go into any building and start shooting people, because they are angry.

Despite my rough life I NEVER thought of setting things straight by shooting or doing anything violent. So why is this happening today with children??? Stay tuned for my next series of controversial blog posts. Feel free to respond with your thoughts. When making your response please take responsibility for your own feelings and not slander other people for the way they feel. Some believe in spanking and others do not, this is a very controversial subject that I am not going to argue any point of who is right who is wrong. Just keep in mind that anyone that has a child, whether you gave birth or adopted they may have your last name and you think they belong to you, but really those children belong to the very state you live in – DO NOT even under estimate this statement at all – it is TRUE through and through. Those babies you hold don't belong to you – the state (you live in) OWNS them.

Lions, Tigers, and BEARS – oh my!!!!

We all survived the first year, Gage had his first illness at 18 mos. an ear infection. He was a gorgeous toddler most of the time he was all smiles, but boy did he not like the word "NO". Most parents that I talked to, said they were shocked their own kids didn't think their names started with NO. So, we are normal. You really do wonder though.
Year two. Gage is pretty active and when his feet hit the floor he ran in the opposite direction that I wanted him too. He isn't talking at all and walks on his toes, but I am being patient. Well, I knew something wasn't right – I start with a specialist. It always best to start early with any problem and we were expecting delays or issues due to his premature birth. We have a speech delay and possible learning delays. I am about to busier, Gage has a brother or sister coming.
Addison (a boy) came late about a week and was born on October 5, 1997 by c-section (no not planned – I wanted v-back), but he was a big boy 8 lb 6oz. He had the chubbiest cheeks. Another stunning beautiful boy. There were absolutely no issues during the pregnancy – overall a dream, yet Addison is about to turn our world upside down for over two years. At just a few weeks Addison ran 103 fever and was admitted to the hospital He had RSV that developed into pneumonia. We were home for a week and he developed projectile vomit – back in the hospital. Addison basically lived the first three years of his life in the hospital. It was absolutely amazing to hear him talk at 9 months and talk in 3 word sentences by 1 year. He was also walking at 9.5 months and running within a week. I made the decision to have Addison's tonsils removed hoping it would help reduce his illnesses and get some hearing back. Our pediatrician was less than thrilled by my decision, but we felt we had nothing to lose. It was the best decision ever – Addison has not returned to the hospital for an overnight since. His last sets of tubes were allowed to fall out and no further tubes would be replaced. There were several miracles we experienced with Addison, which brought us new faith in the walk of Christ. Addison started pre-school at a Christian School, which he still attends today. Addison loves sports, being outside, daddy's helper and just about everything he tries he does well. Sorry I need to brag a little – Addison tests post high school for most subjects. He is entering 8^th grade, but should be in 7^th. You will hear more about Addison in blogs to come that may fill in some of the holes.
At three Gage starts preschool for children with special needs – may God bless those teachers. Gage definitely gave them a run for their money. He was very active and devious. I had told one of the case managers, that I felt Gage didn't want to make us happy. He seemed to go out of his way to frustrate us. Well, the case manager shot back with "every child wants to please their parents", I had no idea that years later that those FEELINGS meant something to a doctor (I will blog in depth at a later time). I was mad at the case manager; I felt she didn't listen to the real under lying issue. I can't explain it even here in this blog still today. So, when small behavior issues started in pre-k, I kept the mind frame that "Gage wants to please". There isn't anything "wrong" it is somewhat "normal" for a boy to be all over the place.
One day I got a phone call that would make any parents heart stop. Gage had been poking other children with thumb tacks. We are guessing that this was over a period of a month or more, before some parents were complaining about teeny tiny wounds like a needle mark on their kids. One day they caught Gage in the act and out of nowhere he grabbed a pair of scissors and ran. They tell me he went after several children, but was quickly unarmed him without incident. They told me I didn't need to be concerned. Well, I was VERY concerned and from there on out, (again I felt) we were the outcast of the preschool, except for one family. Praises to the Lord, they have been there for support and a good ear to cry my woes still today. They have 5 children; their oldest daughter has spina bifida. What amazing grace the whole family has. They too have three children with special needs and each one is so unique. We can relate so well. We were pregnant together which is kind of how we met – Her baby was due in March mine April. She had a girl and I had a boy, Jaden (April 29, 2000). Now I had three kids under the age of 5 (it was only a few weeks, but technically they were all under 5). Jaden almost needs his own blog too. I am going to wrap up this blog up for today.
The next blog should finish up the background information of where everything started to the best of my recollection. I named this Lions, tigers, and bears after the temperaments we had given to each child. Still to this day the temperaments are exactly as their labels. If you keep up – you should know which child fits which animal. Until next time – may this reach you and your family in good health, God bless.

Oh, BOY is he cute!!!!

The two pictures along the side are of Gage, but they are photographed photos (are you following that?) right from a scrapbook page. They came out ok considering. Well, if I may be so bold – Gage was the cutest darned baby I had ever seen in my life. His features all were perfect right down to the peach fuzz on his adoring face. 10 fingers, 10 toes, a perfect nose, two eyes (beautiful blue) with long lashes, the cutest little ears, and well defined finger nails had me breathless and awed for weeks. But, before filling in the years to come – need to finish the abrupt finish of the day and week Gage was born.

Last I left you, with the picture of us running down the hallways of the hospital, nurse on gurney, doctor informing two hollow shells of parents to be (Shawn and I). I am terrified of needles, remember that nurse on the gurney? Yeah, well she was trying to insert TWO IV's. We all know how well doctors steer gurneys (they really should teach them in Medical school, but hey most of their patients are drugged when a gurney is involved, LOL). I believe I had a minor meltdown, but I don't know what happened (apparently, they got the IV line they needed).

I don't remember anything other than what I told you so far, so these thoughts are what people have told me happened. There was a problem in securing the ER at first, but that gave them some time to stabilize me (if the doctors had listened to me we would have probably NEVER reached life and death situation, NO,NO remember I am leaving stuff out of my log on purpose – yeah, lying comes to mind which is a good way to start a baby's life, STUPID doctor). Anyway, they took Gage (emergency c-sect) under general anesthesia and he was fine. I don't know his apgar scores, I just know someone told me numbers to appease me, (yeah, I guess it is ok for them to lie to me). He was a little jaundice, but nothing spectacularly wrong. It always comes back to me! When they were finished they brought the baby out to see the family and whisked him away for further testing and everybody was reunited with Gage soon after. I wasn't so lucky – I needed ICU care, but the baby isn't allowed to go up to ICU. They weren't sure I would try to pull through without contact with Gage. I was on massive amounts of Magnesium and had some sort of reaction not real clear on this and it was decided to set up a bay close to the nurse's station in Labor and Delivery like an ICU so Gage could come spend time with me when family came. When family came in to visit they had to get into full sterile garb with face mask (it wasn't for Gage's sake, it was to see me). I was in ICU for three days and I had no clue as to what happened, I woke up and I had this baby boy and I was the last person on the planet to know he arrived. Everyone knew what I had, what happened and I had no clue. On the fourth day, they starting pulling things – that was the first time family realized I was improving by leaps and bounds and within a few hours I was able to have my own room, but not allowed to hold Gage unless family or a nurse was with me the whole time. Day 5 and I just had ONE IV left and yay! I was allowed to get up out of bed – what the heck did they do? I felt like I was hit by a bus, ok maybe a train. Maybe getting out of bed wasn't such a great idea and there are people who get up the first day – I had 5 days, in bed no less. The doctor comes in and asks if I have help and YES, family not to far away – I had no idea he meant a 24 hour nurse. He goes over stuff very fast and my brain stops functioning when he tells me I lost 60 pounds in 3 days, AWESOME I am thinking. Well it is awesome if a nurse is caring for you, but I am going home to care for this NEW baby. Just where do you think those 60 pounds came from??? The nurses packed me a care package: which was super absorbent blankets, women care stuff, baby stuff, and etc. Well my first night home, well was quite the experience I was having night sweats – ok, I will be honest night pooling. Now, I understood why she packed me quite a few of those heavy blankets I needed to be changed every few hours and I couldn't get up by myself either. I swore I would never do this again. Moving off this topic to Gage's first few years. I am never going to do what got me into this mess again – I swore up and down.

So Gage's first year was quite the struggle. He cried almost all the way through it. They tell me he was a colicky baby and I never bought that. I mean he would cry and nothing – nothing would or could console him. He didn't enjoy being held, hugged or snuggled. When he wasn't screaming he was an absolutely happy baby. I loved those days. He reached most of his milestones late, but doctors kept pointing out that he was premature, just be patient. Gage started walking at around 17 months with difficulty, but again I was told to be patient. Gage had signs of lots of things and he was so young and I was constantly being told to "be patient". If you know me NOW, then you know; I knew long before this that we were headed towards major issues – so should we be patient and let it all pass by us and let them run amuck. Tune in next time for the last background pieces of information of Gage. He is 15 so I will ramble through stages pretty quick so I can post blogs that are current and less boring.

This blog was written while I was traveling on route 80 at about 65 miles an hour. We decided to stay overnight at a hotel (we have already switched rooms and it just not clean enough) to watch the baseball game and pick up Addison and hopefully get a visit in to see our dearest friend Pat and Norma.

 

I have what, you need to, what DELIVER???

Ok, last I left you with I was pregnant and due in July 1995. Yes, you did read that the doctor told me I couldn't conceive, but what wasn't mentioned that there were two other forms of protection involved ON TOP of not being able to conceive. I don't talk a lot about the main issue, but I had stage 4 abnormal cells and had surgery a few times – that is all I wish to discuss about that.

No need for that surgery now, and this should have been the last sign to question this doctor. I know what you are all thinking who in the world is this doctor? So we can avoid this group. Well, we never did anything legally, but I don't need any kind of slander suit now against us – it is best to let it go at this point. Just interview your group of doctors and really, really ask important questions of what ifs. If you don't feel comfortable in asking, then that group is NOT for you.Now, what???? We were beyond shocked and stunned. Everything goes fine (well, according to the doctor) until March. I was gaining (even when I didn't know I was pregnant) weight by the hour. I would go through a woman's size every few days (but, I wasn't eating more food) once I found out about the pregnancy I got maternity clothes. Thanks to all for the donations (yes, 15 years later I am still thanking you). So, March marched in and due to premature dilation I was forced on bed rest. But, not due to my weight gain or high blood pressure or other serious complaints I had (blurry vision, seeing stars occasionally, and some non-mentionable). 
Near the end of March, I was in minor (very minor, but everything seems so much worse when you're pregnant) rear end car accident (multiple cars) and I was taken to the hospital to be sure everything was ok. I had been pulled out of work a few days earlier for bed rest, they were preventing premature labor (who were they kidding). By the beginning of May I had gained over a 100 pounds and I was miserable. I could only sleep in the bathtub that was filled with water. Shawn would wake up and put warm water so I could sleep. Finally, May 23, 1995 I demanded that the doctor do something to help me, I was in so much pain (no not labor). Well, grudgingly, the doctor sent Shawn and I down to Morristown Memorial and the testing began. Now we are in Labor and Delivery, (like the ER) it seems like hours for anything to happen. It was like two hours before they drew my blood and another 5 (just sayin it was a long time) before the doctor had any results. We were having an ultrasound done when the doctor barged in through the doors and took my gurney and started running down the hallways of the hospital telling us how sick I am and that they had to take the baby no matter the development, it was to save my life – blah, blah, blah. I don't think at any point I thought about anything (I don't know what Shawn was thinking) – I think, we were too stunned for words or concern. At some point, a nurse had gotten on the gurney with me to prep me for surgery (while we are running in the hallway, well this is what I remember). If Shawn would like to post the blank spot, fine – I was pretty much unconscious for I think three days.
The next three days are a blur and I have no recollection. I had developed H.E.L.L.P syndrome (no have no idea what it means) which is like a severe form of toxemia. Anyway, several organs had shut down and stopped functioning or barely functioning. I knew something was wrong from the very beginning and the doctor thought I was leaving stuff out of my diet log book (and I wasn't missing anything, every morsel was counted for). Coulda, woulda, and shoulda, was my vocabulary for a long time. I was the worst surviving H.E.L.L.P patient Morris County has ever had and the 2^nd in New Jersey. They had no idea if we, (the baby and or I) would show signs of the ordeal, just a wait and see game.

Oh, you want the information on the baby??? Well, it was a bouncing baby boy weighing in at 5.9 (which is amazing, the hospital was expecting under 5 pounds) and very healthy. He was released before I was. So, the pregnancy wasn't an expected plan through and through. The delivery was very much less planned, if that makes any sense, and today Gage is well … keep reading my blog. Regardless, Gage is here and made his statement during the entire process and still is. Until next time…

http://jagmom3d.blogspot.com/

Hello and welcome. There are so many reasons to why I decided to make our family pain out and in the open. It is like coming out of the closet. Please remember that we are a FAMILY, we have made huge mistakes, and that WE are under the care of doctors and therapist out the wazoo. Please do NOT use this blog to diagnose, treat, or use medication without the express permission of a licensed Psychiatrist or doctor.

I will start by breaking down our background information and hopefully I will be able to regularly start blogging. Again, not really looking for anything specific, I have tried everything else and maybe a regular log of stuff, will communicate to something to Gage and his brothers. Some people sing, some dance, I type. I have 3 or 4 hard drives filled with letters, but these letters are letters of anger, confusion, and a lot of pain. I haven't decided how I am going to plug those in, however, they are full of information.

Shawn and I, met in January 1987 and believe it or not it was a trip down to the N.J. shore and I was going on a blind date with his single friend at the time (whom I dated for many years, obviously it didn't work out, LOL). We became best friends and spent hours on the phone. I kept trying to fix him up with some friends and at some point thought "what am I stupid to let him be with someone else"? We got married August 28, 1994 and it was the best day of the beginning of the rest of my life. We had decided to wait to start a family (due to a doctor surprising diagnosis three weeks before we married) for at least two years, maybe more since we had just bought a foreclosure house. Supposedly, I wasn't able to conceive until after I had a procedure done and a year or so of healing following the procedure. No, problem.
September, October, were unremarkable – just loved being married. I was more than happy with a growing waistline to prove it. The procedure was set for middle of November, so when we were ready my body would be healthy and strong. NOT. Sometime during the pre-surgical testing, I was pregnant with a due date of July 3, 1995. WHAT??? HOW???

Tune in; next time for the rest of the background information