Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Living in disorder - Bipolar, ADHD, Aspergers, etc.: What's in a daybility part II
Living in disorder - Bipolar, ADHD, Aspergers, etc.: What's in a daybility part II: "If you are just joining or reading this - read part I first. My day usually begins with a horrifying sound, that makes my heart skip a beat..."
What's in a daybility part II
If you are just joining or reading this - read part I first.
My day usually begins with a horrifying sound, that makes my heart skip a beat. The next thought is pain, how much is it going to hurt to terminate the horrifying noise for another few minutes of sleep? The first few steps of the day usually sets the standard for the day, however, there are 3 tornadoes (my kids) that can alter anything.
My oldest is almost 16, middle son is 13, and the youngest is almost 11. My oldest has quite a few issues and has been difficult to manage being disabled. The middle guy is the wise guy and instigator of most events (although my oldest doesn't always need or require an instigator to be set off). The youngest is usually the victim - but, he too be manipulative and over emotional. My first duty of the morning is keeping the drama at bay. There is a lot of drama. Before most families get their first sips of coffee, I probably have 3 or more arguments, taken away utensils used in the wrong way, heard bickering to nth degree - do you get it I am STRESSED OUT!
My task is daunting if not impossible most days. The kids feed after one another and it snowball into physical altercations. They have to be in the car by 7:45 to get to school on time (they attend a private Christian school). Mornings are so STRESSFUL - By the time I return home (if I didn't run any errands after dropping them off) I am exhausted. I get home maybe 5 - 10 minutes and the phone starts ringing. I would love the lovely friends to call and chit chat (even those get interrupted). This child did this in school today, we need you to come in, or my personal favorite is your child made a list - you need to come NOW. There is always something going on (mostly negative) and prevents me from doing enjoyable home tasks. I have to put my friends on the calendar when I have lunch with them.
My life would be this way injured or not - but, no joke we feel that it unraveled our oldest beyond the brink. I understand there are chemical imbalance stuff going on, but when I wasn't allow to bear weight for all those months - he lost it and attacked me. The injury affects me, but it really had a crushing effect on my family.
WC (Workman's compensation) is wonderful for injuries requiring one or two steps. For patients who need much more care (like myself) should be able to make decisions regarding medical care that wouldn't affect coverage. Let me explain. A doctor recommends to surgically place plates, screws, and rods to fix or repair my damage to my foot,(this can't be done, it is just an example) but I learn that I have to give up running, volleyball, and most other stuff that is life to me. If I turn down that surgery - WC can close down my case and I am out of luck, my coverage stops and my paychecks stop. WC controls everything from who you see, when you see, how often you will see, and what will be done. You object to anything - case closed.
I would like to see some changes to protect us the patients. Right now the laws protect the insurance company and believe me when I say it isn't worth getting hurt at work. There is NO big pay out - Trust me! I had so many doctors with PHYSICAL proof that NO ONE PERSON on the planet could fake. I think the laws should change once there is proof of circulatory, temp regulation issues, loss of hair, loss of feeling, a limb looking dead - is a fairly good indication that more needs to be done and the patient isn't faking. Not that I want to endure another surgery, but if it would make my leg sturdier, stronger and make it possible for me to run and play - I should be able to make that decision and WC pay for it.
There are many people being hurt at work everyday - WC is NOT easy to deal with - they think right from the start that the injured is faking it. They are nasty, and down right control freaks and they will blatantly tell you that - they control ALL of your medical care. So if you have a chance to speak up to make changes - you may be helping a lot of families get the care they desperately need. It would be nice if WC and long term patients can cooperate together for the common good of what the patient needs.
My day usually begins with a horrifying sound, that makes my heart skip a beat. The next thought is pain, how much is it going to hurt to terminate the horrifying noise for another few minutes of sleep? The first few steps of the day usually sets the standard for the day, however, there are 3 tornadoes (my kids) that can alter anything.
My oldest is almost 16, middle son is 13, and the youngest is almost 11. My oldest has quite a few issues and has been difficult to manage being disabled. The middle guy is the wise guy and instigator of most events (although my oldest doesn't always need or require an instigator to be set off). The youngest is usually the victim - but, he too be manipulative and over emotional. My first duty of the morning is keeping the drama at bay. There is a lot of drama. Before most families get their first sips of coffee, I probably have 3 or more arguments, taken away utensils used in the wrong way, heard bickering to nth degree - do you get it I am STRESSED OUT!
My task is daunting if not impossible most days. The kids feed after one another and it snowball into physical altercations. They have to be in the car by 7:45 to get to school on time (they attend a private Christian school). Mornings are so STRESSFUL - By the time I return home (if I didn't run any errands after dropping them off) I am exhausted. I get home maybe 5 - 10 minutes and the phone starts ringing. I would love the lovely friends to call and chit chat (even those get interrupted). This child did this in school today, we need you to come in, or my personal favorite is your child made a list - you need to come NOW. There is always something going on (mostly negative) and prevents me from doing enjoyable home tasks. I have to put my friends on the calendar when I have lunch with them.
My life would be this way injured or not - but, no joke we feel that it unraveled our oldest beyond the brink. I understand there are chemical imbalance stuff going on, but when I wasn't allow to bear weight for all those months - he lost it and attacked me. The injury affects me, but it really had a crushing effect on my family.
WC (Workman's compensation) is wonderful for injuries requiring one or two steps. For patients who need much more care (like myself) should be able to make decisions regarding medical care that wouldn't affect coverage. Let me explain. A doctor recommends to surgically place plates, screws, and rods to fix or repair my damage to my foot,(this can't be done, it is just an example) but I learn that I have to give up running, volleyball, and most other stuff that is life to me. If I turn down that surgery - WC can close down my case and I am out of luck, my coverage stops and my paychecks stop. WC controls everything from who you see, when you see, how often you will see, and what will be done. You object to anything - case closed.
I would like to see some changes to protect us the patients. Right now the laws protect the insurance company and believe me when I say it isn't worth getting hurt at work. There is NO big pay out - Trust me! I had so many doctors with PHYSICAL proof that NO ONE PERSON on the planet could fake. I think the laws should change once there is proof of circulatory, temp regulation issues, loss of hair, loss of feeling, a limb looking dead - is a fairly good indication that more needs to be done and the patient isn't faking. Not that I want to endure another surgery, but if it would make my leg sturdier, stronger and make it possible for me to run and play - I should be able to make that decision and WC pay for it.
There are many people being hurt at work everyday - WC is NOT easy to deal with - they think right from the start that the injured is faking it. They are nasty, and down right control freaks and they will blatantly tell you that - they control ALL of your medical care. So if you have a chance to speak up to make changes - you may be helping a lot of families get the care they desperately need. It would be nice if WC and long term patients can cooperate together for the common good of what the patient needs.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
What's in a daybility part 1
A friend had asked me the other day - what do I do all day long? So, what is it, that I do ALL day long. I will tell you right off the bat, that I do NOT have the homemaker gene at all. I don't cook and cleaning has been very limited due to a work related injury. It has been 6 years and I am still suffering, but I am learning everyday how to cope and to try to manage all of my old tasks. Things take much longer. So, much of my day is consumed by my own demons and thoughts of old ways vs. trying new, longer, and sometimes painful way of doing chores.
It was a cold ice biting evening, but I loved working. I might have loved the independance, the seeing other individuals and having adult conversations, but I really did enjoy my work, my job. The month was March of 2005 and it was a bitter cold night. I arrived 30 - 40 minutes early like every night - I took pride in having my truck ready before the official start of the shift. I hated backups and having to clear jams and I had the busiest truck in the complex. I had helped a few new people in how to check, set-up and start their shift as my supervisor had asked me to. It came time for me to set up my truck and I had no idea that setting up my truck would change the rest of my life forever.
I did all the necessary checking and safety checks and unlocked my stack of rollers (they weigh over 400 lbs) releasing my life changing event. The whole stack of rollers fell about 3ft (400lbs) pinning my left foot to the metal scaffolding. There were 5 or so men, who heard the stack of rollers fall it took all of them to get my leg, out from underneath. It wasn't until several weeks later (after an MRI was done) I was finally diagnosed with a severe crush injury and prognosis was questionable depending on treatment plan. My first surgery was scheduled in October of 2005 (already on 3rd doctor) and all this time I was non-bearing weight (crutches ONLY with a removable cam cast). Thank goodness for workman's compensation (WC) they were so on top of my treatment plan (um, for those who don't know me - this is a sarcastic comment). Finally, in December I was able to take my first painful steps.
9 months of no walking or physical therapy I think sealed the fate of a bleak prognosis. You really can't fix a crush injury, to begin with. My bones didn't break, they gave in (stayed crushed, they didn't bounce back into place) to the force (of 400lbs) and my whole body has to bear weight (that kept increasing by the day) on a very weak foundation that couldn't be rebuilt. There was supposed to be a second and possibly a third surgery to fuse as many bones together in my ankle and foot to create a stronger foundation, but WC kept switching from one doctor to the next, to the next in a 3 year span there were over 10 specialists involved. There was only 1 doctor that thought I was completely faking the injury. Praise the Lord, nobody considered that quacks report, there was too much medical evidence to prove differently.
There was a court case, but no money could replace what was lost that fateful night. The so called case sucked the life out of me, a once active mother of 3 boys was forced to sit on the side line of life to keep watch. I don't live life - I am forced to watch it. I can't make my own medical decision to "make" my life better - WC has to and that money I settled on wouldn't cover the anesthesiologist if I choose to pay for my own treatment, but the reality is; it is too late - these options were offered earlier on - you have to wait for approval and if the next doctor didn't mention the same treatment plan, I had to go along with the new doctor and forget about the doctor that really wanted to help me.
So, here I sit, gaining weight by the minute (probably seconds) and watch the world go by and not a thing I can do about it. My fate was sealed that day, I went to work March 2, 2005. I am on so much medication for every malady one could have. I have aged nearly 40 years in 6 long years. Common things like showering and sleeping are tough and taking on those tasks are difficult. To describe how painful it is to shower (does NO justice) but, a woman can probably compare it to a bikini waxing lasting 15 minutes (just the hair pulling out part, depending on the day, it could make my eyes water). I don't look forward to any day - I wish I could stay asleep for more than 2.5 - 3 hours at a time. I tell people all the time just put an IV in; trank me enough for 6 months - put me in a box and on a shelf - I dream of hibernation.
Up next, Daybility part II. What is in my day? What do I do ALL day long? Has anything changed? but more importantly I will be talking to my readers; here in NJ and how they can help make changes to current WC laws. Right now the law protects the insurance companies, not the patients. You never know if or when a life changing injury will happen, while you are working; are you and your family prepared? Until next time...
It was a cold ice biting evening, but I loved working. I might have loved the independance, the seeing other individuals and having adult conversations, but I really did enjoy my work, my job. The month was March of 2005 and it was a bitter cold night. I arrived 30 - 40 minutes early like every night - I took pride in having my truck ready before the official start of the shift. I hated backups and having to clear jams and I had the busiest truck in the complex. I had helped a few new people in how to check, set-up and start their shift as my supervisor had asked me to. It came time for me to set up my truck and I had no idea that setting up my truck would change the rest of my life forever.
I did all the necessary checking and safety checks and unlocked my stack of rollers (they weigh over 400 lbs) releasing my life changing event. The whole stack of rollers fell about 3ft (400lbs) pinning my left foot to the metal scaffolding. There were 5 or so men, who heard the stack of rollers fall it took all of them to get my leg, out from underneath. It wasn't until several weeks later (after an MRI was done) I was finally diagnosed with a severe crush injury and prognosis was questionable depending on treatment plan. My first surgery was scheduled in October of 2005 (already on 3rd doctor) and all this time I was non-bearing weight (crutches ONLY with a removable cam cast). Thank goodness for workman's compensation (WC) they were so on top of my treatment plan (um, for those who don't know me - this is a sarcastic comment). Finally, in December I was able to take my first painful steps.
9 months of no walking or physical therapy I think sealed the fate of a bleak prognosis. You really can't fix a crush injury, to begin with. My bones didn't break, they gave in (stayed crushed, they didn't bounce back into place) to the force (of 400lbs) and my whole body has to bear weight (that kept increasing by the day) on a very weak foundation that couldn't be rebuilt. There was supposed to be a second and possibly a third surgery to fuse as many bones together in my ankle and foot to create a stronger foundation, but WC kept switching from one doctor to the next, to the next in a 3 year span there were over 10 specialists involved. There was only 1 doctor that thought I was completely faking the injury. Praise the Lord, nobody considered that quacks report, there was too much medical evidence to prove differently.
There was a court case, but no money could replace what was lost that fateful night. The so called case sucked the life out of me, a once active mother of 3 boys was forced to sit on the side line of life to keep watch. I don't live life - I am forced to watch it. I can't make my own medical decision to "make" my life better - WC has to and that money I settled on wouldn't cover the anesthesiologist if I choose to pay for my own treatment, but the reality is; it is too late - these options were offered earlier on - you have to wait for approval and if the next doctor didn't mention the same treatment plan, I had to go along with the new doctor and forget about the doctor that really wanted to help me.
So, here I sit, gaining weight by the minute (probably seconds) and watch the world go by and not a thing I can do about it. My fate was sealed that day, I went to work March 2, 2005. I am on so much medication for every malady one could have. I have aged nearly 40 years in 6 long years. Common things like showering and sleeping are tough and taking on those tasks are difficult. To describe how painful it is to shower (does NO justice) but, a woman can probably compare it to a bikini waxing lasting 15 minutes (just the hair pulling out part, depending on the day, it could make my eyes water). I don't look forward to any day - I wish I could stay asleep for more than 2.5 - 3 hours at a time. I tell people all the time just put an IV in; trank me enough for 6 months - put me in a box and on a shelf - I dream of hibernation.
Up next, Daybility part II. What is in my day? What do I do ALL day long? Has anything changed? but more importantly I will be talking to my readers; here in NJ and how they can help make changes to current WC laws. Right now the law protects the insurance companies, not the patients. You never know if or when a life changing injury will happen, while you are working; are you and your family prepared? Until next time...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Farmers wanted... REALLY
This is a silly post - but, we are very serious.
We have for the last 5 or 6 years hatched some sort of water fowl. I have a nasty duck (we love him, he just bites everyone else except for us) and a very loving goose - so, we really don't need anymore at the moment, but we love the miracle of hatching and we want to hatch this year. We would like to be responsible and have homes set up BEFORE we start the journey this year. Do you have room in your inn?
I have bought eggs on ebay with excellent success and bought from reputable breeders with less success. We have done call ducks with 100% hatch and survival rate, pekin ducks, mallards, sebastopol geese.
We would love the chance to hatch a Emu or an Ostrich egg (we have a cabinet incubator) nothing professional or anything, but it will accommodate at least one or two eggs. Obviously, we can't raise that kind of animal in our home, so we need to find a farm who will give us the opportunity to hatch and return the baby when it arrives safely.
Here is the fine print: We are NOT willing to ship live animals - we must meet each other and set the terms of agreement. We also aren't willing to assume all financial burden it will be 50 - 50. We are not professionals, but we take pride and every precaution we can for hatching and things beyond my control can and will happen - we want the same thing you want - precious little babies. Do you want friendly ducks to be on your pond by your house? Let me know, we can help give you friendly ducks. We are willing to meet, but not drive more than an hour (so you would have to be willing to drive an hour too. We are Northwest NJ - Morris County - Sussex County
Please contact me via email jagmom3d@aol.com to personally discuss this matter. The eggs are laying and time is ticking away
We have for the last 5 or 6 years hatched some sort of water fowl. I have a nasty duck (we love him, he just bites everyone else except for us) and a very loving goose - so, we really don't need anymore at the moment, but we love the miracle of hatching and we want to hatch this year. We would like to be responsible and have homes set up BEFORE we start the journey this year. Do you have room in your inn?
I have bought eggs on ebay with excellent success and bought from reputable breeders with less success. We have done call ducks with 100% hatch and survival rate, pekin ducks, mallards, sebastopol geese.
We would love the chance to hatch a Emu or an Ostrich egg (we have a cabinet incubator) nothing professional or anything, but it will accommodate at least one or two eggs. Obviously, we can't raise that kind of animal in our home, so we need to find a farm who will give us the opportunity to hatch and return the baby when it arrives safely.
Here is the fine print: We are NOT willing to ship live animals - we must meet each other and set the terms of agreement. We also aren't willing to assume all financial burden it will be 50 - 50. We are not professionals, but we take pride and every precaution we can for hatching and things beyond my control can and will happen - we want the same thing you want - precious little babies. Do you want friendly ducks to be on your pond by your house? Let me know, we can help give you friendly ducks. We are willing to meet, but not drive more than an hour (so you would have to be willing to drive an hour too. We are Northwest NJ - Morris County - Sussex County
Please contact me via email jagmom3d@aol.com to personally discuss this matter. The eggs are laying and time is ticking away
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Awe Struck
I don't spend my day rummaging through blogs - I should, because I love writing or venting my feelings in my posts. However, I occassionally come across a post that is just wrong or goes against what is right. I am just awe struck at what people put out there for others to see.
I know I put some questionable things out there, but I am working with many, many people in my home, I have doctors on-board, and absolute diagnosis. When my children are old enough, I want them to read what I was going through. I am not ashamed of my posts. I also want them to see that I wasn't focused just on our family life - that I can write about other things.
So recently, I came across a post about; Things better to do than listening to a tantraum and a few months ago, a post of a mom confessing she doesn't use her baby's car seat ALL the time. You instantly think, WTF? I am AWE struck to say the least!
First of all, NEVER ever allow your baby or child to ride in the car without a car seat. My 11 year old just met the weight, but when he turned 10 the doctor said he could go without a car seat. Yes, we faithfully used a car seat (we called it a booster seat) until then. Child safety should ALWAYS be paramount. Tantrums are par for the course of parenting, there is no way to avoid them, however, every parent should be well educated about what exceeds the extreme level of a tantrum. I mean if, a parent is thinking ill thoughts (or rather go through kidney stones, labor, lunch with Snooky or a vehicle being repossessed)- might be time to make sure it isn't something else. Firstly, taking a look at your time out technique is a must. If you are doing it wrong, there will be an increase in bad behavior and also cause parenting fatigue. Secondly and MOST important - the child may have an undiagnosed disability.
Some children have the audacity of extreme embarrassment at the wrong time, especially when we want them be shown off. In my experience, too many of those times, could be a sign of things to come. I want my readers to be well informed and know that there is help (well, if you are in the United States). If you are in need of any help, shoot me an e-mail under contact me or leave a comment. I can help find you some resources in your state. There is so much help out there that wording what you need can be the difference of receiving vs. having to deal with. It is a sea of information that is difficult, because you have to work and find it. Then stay on top of it. Yes, you would have to advocate for yourself, nobody will do it for you, but the state will be the first one to scoop your child out of your care and into the system. It only takes ONE time for the mis-communication.
I read so much, it shouldn't be a shock anymore - but, really when my child has a tantrum I can't think of anything else other than "How can I help him?" "What am I doing wrong?" "What happened earlier?" I am definitely not thinking of having a root canal, or hoping my vehicle gets repossessed. If the tantrums are that bad, then there is a problem. Here is a loose guide of how long or how far a child should tantrum: 12-15 month old - may have up to 12 bouts of crying, pouting, and usually no longer than 15 minutes or if the child starts having spastic breathing (there needs immediate intervention) 18-24 months NO more than 15-18 bouts of crying, pouting, stamping feet, holding their breath, throw themselves on the floor, etc., After 20 minutes of no change seek a professional for help. Usually with proper time out technique, tantrums fade just after 2.5 years, but if the tantrums are increasing and can hurt others - it is time to seek professional care. It is easier to help fix a child when they are young, so don't ignore or make fun of this type stuff. I have never personally videotaped an incident/episode with my bi-polar son. I would give fair caution to those who decide to.
With the technology today - anyone could use the footage for whatever the purpose of that minute. The professionals will NEVER need footage to help you or your child receive services. If there is a true problem, they will see through the act. I recommend no videotaping, you don't want the child to think the incident/episodes are WORTHY to keep around and then you won't worry about a sibling, cousin, friend, or anyone being able to get revenge at some point. These children/teens who have incidents/episodes wish they could respond to their triggers more appropriately.
Please email me if you would like some help in your area or leave a comment with your contact info.
I know I put some questionable things out there, but I am working with many, many people in my home, I have doctors on-board, and absolute diagnosis. When my children are old enough, I want them to read what I was going through. I am not ashamed of my posts. I also want them to see that I wasn't focused just on our family life - that I can write about other things.
So recently, I came across a post about; Things better to do than listening to a tantraum and a few months ago, a post of a mom confessing she doesn't use her baby's car seat ALL the time. You instantly think, WTF? I am AWE struck to say the least!
First of all, NEVER ever allow your baby or child to ride in the car without a car seat. My 11 year old just met the weight, but when he turned 10 the doctor said he could go without a car seat. Yes, we faithfully used a car seat (we called it a booster seat) until then. Child safety should ALWAYS be paramount. Tantrums are par for the course of parenting, there is no way to avoid them, however, every parent should be well educated about what exceeds the extreme level of a tantrum. I mean if, a parent is thinking ill thoughts (or rather go through kidney stones, labor, lunch with Snooky or a vehicle being repossessed)- might be time to make sure it isn't something else. Firstly, taking a look at your time out technique is a must. If you are doing it wrong, there will be an increase in bad behavior and also cause parenting fatigue. Secondly and MOST important - the child may have an undiagnosed disability.
Some children have the audacity of extreme embarrassment at the wrong time, especially when we want them be shown off. In my experience, too many of those times, could be a sign of things to come. I want my readers to be well informed and know that there is help (well, if you are in the United States). If you are in need of any help, shoot me an e-mail under contact me or leave a comment. I can help find you some resources in your state. There is so much help out there that wording what you need can be the difference of receiving vs. having to deal with. It is a sea of information that is difficult, because you have to work and find it. Then stay on top of it. Yes, you would have to advocate for yourself, nobody will do it for you, but the state will be the first one to scoop your child out of your care and into the system. It only takes ONE time for the mis-communication.
I read so much, it shouldn't be a shock anymore - but, really when my child has a tantrum I can't think of anything else other than "How can I help him?" "What am I doing wrong?" "What happened earlier?" I am definitely not thinking of having a root canal, or hoping my vehicle gets repossessed. If the tantrums are that bad, then there is a problem. Here is a loose guide of how long or how far a child should tantrum: 12-15 month old - may have up to 12 bouts of crying, pouting, and usually no longer than 15 minutes or if the child starts having spastic breathing (there needs immediate intervention) 18-24 months NO more than 15-18 bouts of crying, pouting, stamping feet, holding their breath, throw themselves on the floor, etc., After 20 minutes of no change seek a professional for help. Usually with proper time out technique, tantrums fade just after 2.5 years, but if the tantrums are increasing and can hurt others - it is time to seek professional care. It is easier to help fix a child when they are young, so don't ignore or make fun of this type stuff. I have never personally videotaped an incident/episode with my bi-polar son. I would give fair caution to those who decide to.
With the technology today - anyone could use the footage for whatever the purpose of that minute. The professionals will NEVER need footage to help you or your child receive services. If there is a true problem, they will see through the act. I recommend no videotaping, you don't want the child to think the incident/episodes are WORTHY to keep around and then you won't worry about a sibling, cousin, friend, or anyone being able to get revenge at some point. These children/teens who have incidents/episodes wish they could respond to their triggers more appropriately.
Please email me if you would like some help in your area or leave a comment with your contact info.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
N Y Crazy - not to happy with this post ;^(
It's Thursday night, in the middle of winter and the weatherman predicts near springtime temps for the coming weekend. After hearing some interesting things on display throughout the city, I mention, oh we should go in for the day. After hemming and hawing whether to drive or take the train - we woke up and decided to take the train.
Train comes down the tracks and the kids are giddy with excitement, because it is the double-decker train. Thinking we struck gold, since the kids are so excited - just about the stinkin train, the momovision kicks in and I know it's going to be a good day (remember our day really hasn't started, LOL). So, between here and there - there are about 15 stops. About the fifth stop we realized something, big was happening. People were all decked out in Green, silly antennas, and stacks and stacks of lunch bags. We are NOT CITY folk, so we had no clue about the lunch sacks, hahahaha laugh it up.
Pretty soon there was standing room only, and we are on the double decker train. So, we are laughing at all the costumes people are wearing and then a group of college boys with foul mouths and body odor to boot - pull out these MASSIVE cans of beer. Now, we know what the lunch bags are for, but since there wasn't room to move everyone was just enjoying them out in the open. We were whispering about it between us, when one set of ears repeated the end of the last comment loudly. We flashed some smiles and let it go. All the people on the train were going to Hoboken for the St. Patty's Day Parade.
There was no set plan, just enjoy the day and get some sites in, and I wanted to see the giant sheep & flowers - a radio station said would be in Times Square. I figured we would try and go to a museum to say we went. We found the sheep after many inquisitive looks - no wonder, the sheep weren't gigantic at all, but they were made out of paper and they were pretty cool looking. We went to Planet Hollywood for lunch and that was pretty good. They had good french fries. At some point, one of the kids mentioned wanting to see the subway.
Ah, why not! We watched a train come and go. Now they want to go on it. Well, Shawn wanted nothing to do with it - the maps were so intimidating, but I said why not. We bought two hour tickets for everyone and a train comes in - the one we need. Addison, Jaden, and the door starts to shut and I jump on. Gage was stuck at the gate, his metro card gave him trouble and ultimately separated the entire family, in a SUBWAY, in New York CITY. You want to see a panicked mother - separate her from her husband, with two special needs children, in a subway LOST in New York.
I tried stuffing my fear somewhere within me, told the kids NOT to let go of me, and gosh darn you better stay clear of the yellow line (I may push you myself, LOL) if you know NY you know what the yellow line is. Anyway, I tried to call Shawn and no answer - he had no cell service (we have the same provider), so I texted him where we were and we were shortly reunited. I swear all the people could see my heart pounding through my clothes. All that is well, ends well. We got to where we wanted, I think. NOPE, we wanted to go the the Natural History museum. A street vendor suggested we take a cab (and that we would all fit - the five of us) over. Again, Shawn said "NO" I was actively looking for a cab. Finally, a cab dropped people off and I see Shawn jumping into the cab, OK. We would have had more room in a clown car - It was way worse than a can of sardines (that may have even smelled better too, LOL). They really need to invest in fabreze or something. Next, time I am bring lysol.
The cabbies really do drive crazy - we laughed and laughed the entire ride, couple head buts, window smashes and we're laughing - the day was just so funny. When I opened the door in the front of the museum I basically fell out, on my feet. it was just so funny. I can't remember the last time our family had such a good laugh. Once, we got into the museum, they were awestruck.
The kids were in awe of the dinosaur bones and some other exhibits. We were exhausted, our legs couldn't go too much further, so it was time to go home. We looked for a subway, which, now happens to be Shawn's favorite route of transportation while in the city. Now, we know how it works and it is quicker and gets you where you want to be. We now wait for everyone to get through the gate since a train comes through like every 10 - 20 minutes.
It was at this time Jaden started to unravel his medicine ran out (quick run for the hills) - and I used the example of being separated on the train, that made a huge difference and I knew that he was worried when we were in the subway. So, originally we weren't doing anything, then we ended up in NYC having the best time of my life with my kids. We dabbled in just about everything and the best thing - we brought our children out in public and they didn't embarrass us at all - I consider that a great training session. One everyone enjoyed.
I want to hear about a trip you took off the cuff and had a lot of fun - the best day of your life!
Train comes down the tracks and the kids are giddy with excitement, because it is the double-decker train. Thinking we struck gold, since the kids are so excited - just about the stinkin train, the momovision kicks in and I know it's going to be a good day (remember our day really hasn't started, LOL). So, between here and there - there are about 15 stops. About the fifth stop we realized something, big was happening. People were all decked out in Green, silly antennas, and stacks and stacks of lunch bags. We are NOT CITY folk, so we had no clue about the lunch sacks, hahahaha laugh it up.
Pretty soon there was standing room only, and we are on the double decker train. So, we are laughing at all the costumes people are wearing and then a group of college boys with foul mouths and body odor to boot - pull out these MASSIVE cans of beer. Now, we know what the lunch bags are for, but since there wasn't room to move everyone was just enjoying them out in the open. We were whispering about it between us, when one set of ears repeated the end of the last comment loudly. We flashed some smiles and let it go. All the people on the train were going to Hoboken for the St. Patty's Day Parade.
There was no set plan, just enjoy the day and get some sites in, and I wanted to see the giant sheep & flowers - a radio station said would be in Times Square. I figured we would try and go to a museum to say we went. We found the sheep after many inquisitive looks - no wonder, the sheep weren't gigantic at all, but they were made out of paper and they were pretty cool looking. We went to Planet Hollywood for lunch and that was pretty good. They had good french fries. At some point, one of the kids mentioned wanting to see the subway.
Ah, why not! We watched a train come and go. Now they want to go on it. Well, Shawn wanted nothing to do with it - the maps were so intimidating, but I said why not. We bought two hour tickets for everyone and a train comes in - the one we need. Addison, Jaden, and the door starts to shut and I jump on. Gage was stuck at the gate, his metro card gave him trouble and ultimately separated the entire family, in a SUBWAY, in New York CITY. You want to see a panicked mother - separate her from her husband, with two special needs children, in a subway LOST in New York.
I tried stuffing my fear somewhere within me, told the kids NOT to let go of me, and gosh darn you better stay clear of the yellow line (I may push you myself, LOL) if you know NY you know what the yellow line is. Anyway, I tried to call Shawn and no answer - he had no cell service (we have the same provider), so I texted him where we were and we were shortly reunited. I swear all the people could see my heart pounding through my clothes. All that is well, ends well. We got to where we wanted, I think. NOPE, we wanted to go the the Natural History museum. A street vendor suggested we take a cab (and that we would all fit - the five of us) over. Again, Shawn said "NO" I was actively looking for a cab. Finally, a cab dropped people off and I see Shawn jumping into the cab, OK. We would have had more room in a clown car - It was way worse than a can of sardines (that may have even smelled better too, LOL). They really need to invest in fabreze or something. Next, time I am bring lysol.
The cabbies really do drive crazy - we laughed and laughed the entire ride, couple head buts, window smashes and we're laughing - the day was just so funny. When I opened the door in the front of the museum I basically fell out, on my feet. it was just so funny. I can't remember the last time our family had such a good laugh. Once, we got into the museum, they were awestruck.
The kids were in awe of the dinosaur bones and some other exhibits. We were exhausted, our legs couldn't go too much further, so it was time to go home. We looked for a subway, which, now happens to be Shawn's favorite route of transportation while in the city. Now, we know how it works and it is quicker and gets you where you want to be. We now wait for everyone to get through the gate since a train comes through like every 10 - 20 minutes.
It was at this time Jaden started to unravel his medicine ran out (quick run for the hills) - and I used the example of being separated on the train, that made a huge difference and I knew that he was worried when we were in the subway. So, originally we weren't doing anything, then we ended up in NYC having the best time of my life with my kids. We dabbled in just about everything and the best thing - we brought our children out in public and they didn't embarrass us at all - I consider that a great training session. One everyone enjoyed.
I want to hear about a trip you took off the cuff and had a lot of fun - the best day of your life!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Someone's Hero
On a sunny spring day, birds are chipping away at the dawn of a new day. My feet nervously hit the floor for the pain that is about to hit like a Mack truck. It takes a few minutes to get used to my legs as I take my shower, get dressed for success for the day to come. I walk through my empty kitchen as I pick up the whirlwind of three tornados that had left minutes earlier. The dogs are disappointed in having to go into their crate, like every weekday - I assure them the boys will be home early. I murmur a prayer to God to get me through the day - I wouldn't have any IEP meetings, nor any meetings - not today, TODAY would be the day I become a hero.
I have been guiding young lads and ladies to go off to college to be their own success and also guiding individuals needing special educational plans to give everything their best for success. I love my job, dedicated to helping young adults merge into society as prospects for a great future - a future I am going to grow old in. However, today would be different, today I plan on being someones hero.
I have gone over this all in my head, day after day, and today has been planned; what seems all of my life - I drive the two hours and recite my speech from memory, but it won't be the same when there will be literally thousands of people, reporters, tv news crews, and then the gossip people, they call themselves a reporter - I know differently. They are going to make me look bad at every angle they can - it is their job and well, I have to do mine.
I have been on the road a long time, but the beautiful scents that spring is here, is a very freeing thought. My imagination is running wildly, that I miss a turn and I start to unravel just a bit. Then as fear seeps through me as I realize I am lost, then I see it - my worst nightmare is happening in front of me.
This is what needs to change, this is what I put my whole heart and soul into. I see a group of young kids surrounding a very scared boy. They are yelling at him, as the poor child is sobbing, then they lurch at him and laugh as he fell to the ground, and off in the distance is an adult it appears she sees what is going on, she will run over to the boy's aid and get these unruly kids into the school principal's office to face some sort of punishment. Now, the group of kids are taunting the boy and the adult turns her back and walks further away. I honk my horn to no avail. I have to go in - Just as I get out of the car, the kids all scatter, leaving behind a frightened boy with no self esteem. I try to get over to him and he sulks off and mixes with all the other students. Hurt that I wasn't the hero for that child, I stuff myself back into my car and I am more determined - to be someones hero.
The Press Conference is set to happen at Noon, I am so anxious my feet can barely stay in my shoes. The press secretary introduces the Governor and the Governor states the reason for the press release and announces my name. My whole life has come to this - this very nauseous moment - everyone MUST be able to see my heart pounding out of my chest as I stride carefully up the steps towards the podium. I was a nobody... until this very moment.
What??? I want the same things as everyone else - World Peace. Well, on a really small scale actually. You see, society has created this law that everyone is entitled to a free education. How many of you come to realize that the free education your children are entitled to is run like the survival of the fittest? Well, if you haven't given that a thought, think again. Kids are cruel and if you don't fit in - you will pecked to death, by insults, threats, pushing, shoving, teasing, etc. My goal of today is to get the ADULTS, parents, teachers, staff, etc. to recognize the pattern of bullying and take an active role in getting those students into programs and or special anger management schools. There would be rules for the adults as well. Any adult that turns a shoulder to any bullying, is grounds for dismissal of active teaching duties, until a proper investigation is done. The press conference goes very well, there is a plan in place, to protect all children. Child abuse is illegal, why would it be different if a peer was abusing a fellow peer - abuse is exactly abuse. It shouldn't have any prejudices, but it does. This is the legacy I want to lead - stop bullying, stop child abuse among same aged peers. What is illegal for one group, should be illegal across all the groups.
Well, this is what my dream my legacy I wish to leave behind, would look like - EVERY child getting a FREE and SAFE education; that is not survival of the fittest. God would want this for all of his children, I believe in it and I do have plans on finishing my masters and try to leave a legacy behind that would make it possible for me to be "Someone's Hero"
What would you want your legacy to be? what do you want to be remembered for? What kind of hero are you waiting for or inspiring to be?
I have been guiding young lads and ladies to go off to college to be their own success and also guiding individuals needing special educational plans to give everything their best for success. I love my job, dedicated to helping young adults merge into society as prospects for a great future - a future I am going to grow old in. However, today would be different, today I plan on being someones hero.
I have gone over this all in my head, day after day, and today has been planned; what seems all of my life - I drive the two hours and recite my speech from memory, but it won't be the same when there will be literally thousands of people, reporters, tv news crews, and then the gossip people, they call themselves a reporter - I know differently. They are going to make me look bad at every angle they can - it is their job and well, I have to do mine.
I have been on the road a long time, but the beautiful scents that spring is here, is a very freeing thought. My imagination is running wildly, that I miss a turn and I start to unravel just a bit. Then as fear seeps through me as I realize I am lost, then I see it - my worst nightmare is happening in front of me.
This is what needs to change, this is what I put my whole heart and soul into. I see a group of young kids surrounding a very scared boy. They are yelling at him, as the poor child is sobbing, then they lurch at him and laugh as he fell to the ground, and off in the distance is an adult it appears she sees what is going on, she will run over to the boy's aid and get these unruly kids into the school principal's office to face some sort of punishment. Now, the group of kids are taunting the boy and the adult turns her back and walks further away. I honk my horn to no avail. I have to go in - Just as I get out of the car, the kids all scatter, leaving behind a frightened boy with no self esteem. I try to get over to him and he sulks off and mixes with all the other students. Hurt that I wasn't the hero for that child, I stuff myself back into my car and I am more determined - to be someones hero.
The Press Conference is set to happen at Noon, I am so anxious my feet can barely stay in my shoes. The press secretary introduces the Governor and the Governor states the reason for the press release and announces my name. My whole life has come to this - this very nauseous moment - everyone MUST be able to see my heart pounding out of my chest as I stride carefully up the steps towards the podium. I was a nobody... until this very moment.
What??? I want the same things as everyone else - World Peace. Well, on a really small scale actually. You see, society has created this law that everyone is entitled to a free education. How many of you come to realize that the free education your children are entitled to is run like the survival of the fittest? Well, if you haven't given that a thought, think again. Kids are cruel and if you don't fit in - you will pecked to death, by insults, threats, pushing, shoving, teasing, etc. My goal of today is to get the ADULTS, parents, teachers, staff, etc. to recognize the pattern of bullying and take an active role in getting those students into programs and or special anger management schools. There would be rules for the adults as well. Any adult that turns a shoulder to any bullying, is grounds for dismissal of active teaching duties, until a proper investigation is done. The press conference goes very well, there is a plan in place, to protect all children. Child abuse is illegal, why would it be different if a peer was abusing a fellow peer - abuse is exactly abuse. It shouldn't have any prejudices, but it does. This is the legacy I want to lead - stop bullying, stop child abuse among same aged peers. What is illegal for one group, should be illegal across all the groups.
Well, this is what my dream my legacy I wish to leave behind, would look like - EVERY child getting a FREE and SAFE education; that is not survival of the fittest. God would want this for all of his children, I believe in it and I do have plans on finishing my masters and try to leave a legacy behind that would make it possible for me to be "Someone's Hero"
What would you want your legacy to be? what do you want to be remembered for? What kind of hero are you waiting for or inspiring to be?
Monday, February 21, 2011
I choose you...a pay it forward post
Another fellow blogger posted about her adoption, because her friend has adopted children recently. As a fellow adoptee, I do feel that huge burden to give back. I mean we want to adopt the concept isn't a burden - but, there is something I have come to realize, that I may not have the capability to adopt.
***sigh**** *** tons of excuses**** *gasp*
Our plate is full, and what I brought into the world is paramount right now. My own biological children have so many needs. I know there are so many children with worse out there, and I so wish I could save the world. So, the force of paying it forward, leaves me hopeing for adopting a daughter, someday! (not that your NOT wonderful MH) I have three biological boys.
****sigh**** take a deep breath
National Adoption month is in November (I never knew that) - Obviously, I missed it BIG time. I never celebrated the event, in reality I was never much a party girl. I wasn't one to have a lavish celebration of any kind, except for my marriage to my best friend in the whole world and I got to share it with him. It seems like yesterday, but it was over 16 years ago. I have known this man for MORE than half my life.
They say you don't TOTALLY know or understand things until you yourself goes through it or become of age of understanding. It is so true, I believe and consider myself as a late bloomer everything takes time and I need time to think things through. I really had no concept of "adoption" all I understood, was I never had to see the MEAN people again. I believed this for a long time, maybe even beyond 10 years. I had been in and out of foster homes, all to return to hell. I had no concept of final, because I was always returned to the mean ones.
Adoption to me did NOT mean ... "I choose you..." to me it meant something completely different: Safety. No more meals slid under a door, no more being left outside during a storm, no more bandaids securing socks in my mouth, no more secret meetings with step-dad, etc. the list goes on and on. I don't want to leave you thinking I was stupid - Adoption just meant something entirely different to me based on my circumstances and abuse. I never felt special, in fact, I believed the total opposite - I felt like I was a curse. Someone's problem. I wish I could go back and re-live with what I know and understand now. It makes me want to "adopt" or choose my child out. Nobody biologically gets to choose who they want for a son, daughter, mother or father. It is happenstance, rather it is what God has planned for each and every one of us. You get what you are given and those rare few people get to choose.
***hmmmm*** (in deep thought)
I was taught after I was adopted, that EVERYTHING you do is a "I scratch your back you scratch my back" it is like a MANDATORY pay it forward. Just to put it out there, I never did anything I didn't want to do, because I expected something in return - I was taught that, but I feel if you want to do something - do it and do it without expectation. So, when I started this post, I mentioned I may not have the capability to adopt, this is what I am talking about. I do NOT want to adopt because, it is the right thing to do or to pay it forward since I was.
I want to adopt a child so they understand they were the choosen one, I want them to feel special, I want to celebrate their life, I want to celebrate them - it would be an added bonus if we were their hero (save them from a life of abuse) - who knows maybe if God places a child on us he or she would be my hero.
***sigh**** *** tons of excuses**** *gasp*
Our plate is full, and what I brought into the world is paramount right now. My own biological children have so many needs. I know there are so many children with worse out there, and I so wish I could save the world. So, the force of paying it forward, leaves me hopeing for adopting a daughter, someday! (not that your NOT wonderful MH) I have three biological boys.
****sigh**** take a deep breath
National Adoption month is in November (I never knew that) - Obviously, I missed it BIG time. I never celebrated the event, in reality I was never much a party girl. I wasn't one to have a lavish celebration of any kind, except for my marriage to my best friend in the whole world and I got to share it with him. It seems like yesterday, but it was over 16 years ago. I have known this man for MORE than half my life.
They say you don't TOTALLY know or understand things until you yourself goes through it or become of age of understanding. It is so true, I believe and consider myself as a late bloomer everything takes time and I need time to think things through. I really had no concept of "adoption" all I understood, was I never had to see the MEAN people again. I believed this for a long time, maybe even beyond 10 years. I had been in and out of foster homes, all to return to hell. I had no concept of final, because I was always returned to the mean ones.
Adoption to me did NOT mean ... "I choose you..." to me it meant something completely different: Safety. No more meals slid under a door, no more being left outside during a storm, no more bandaids securing socks in my mouth, no more secret meetings with step-dad, etc. the list goes on and on. I don't want to leave you thinking I was stupid - Adoption just meant something entirely different to me based on my circumstances and abuse. I never felt special, in fact, I believed the total opposite - I felt like I was a curse. Someone's problem. I wish I could go back and re-live with what I know and understand now. It makes me want to "adopt" or choose my child out. Nobody biologically gets to choose who they want for a son, daughter, mother or father. It is happenstance, rather it is what God has planned for each and every one of us. You get what you are given and those rare few people get to choose.
***hmmmm*** (in deep thought)
I was taught after I was adopted, that EVERYTHING you do is a "I scratch your back you scratch my back" it is like a MANDATORY pay it forward. Just to put it out there, I never did anything I didn't want to do, because I expected something in return - I was taught that, but I feel if you want to do something - do it and do it without expectation. So, when I started this post, I mentioned I may not have the capability to adopt, this is what I am talking about. I do NOT want to adopt because, it is the right thing to do or to pay it forward since I was.
I want to adopt a child so they understand they were the choosen one, I want them to feel special, I want to celebrate their life, I want to celebrate them - it would be an added bonus if we were their hero (save them from a life of abuse) - who knows maybe if God places a child on us he or she would be my hero.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I got snowed
If you live in the, Northwest part of the United States you know this title is fitting for any mom, let alone any mom with children with special needs. Weekly and consistant snow and ice are keeping our children from attending school.
It was nice for the first two, but now the weekly worse than last weeks storms are killing me. Don't get me wrong I LOVE snow, and I have to admit, I love my kids - I would rather they be in school instead of being home fighting with each other and myself.
Everybody wants my attention at the same time for something different and for reasons unknown, I can't do it all. I do try and fail massively and someone ends up with hurt feelings. Today our middle son was on a mission of self preservation of being the "BEST" child. He tattled on everything. My youngest insisted on breaking several things useful for conditions outside and doesn't know how or why they broke and of course the ever - "I didn't do it". Our oldest is good at sneaking around causing trouble where it isn't necessary. He is good at threats and physical fighting.
So, now imagine being home with all of this for TWO DAYS straight, while hubby is working. It took me hours to clean up the mess (the breakfast) that they had - that seemed to span two to three rooms. My house isn't ever ready for Good Housekeeping, and will never be - but the mess was enough to make the best of man to gasp. ***OOOOHHHHH MY********
Help I am snowed in and can't get away from my own children or house - spring please come early.
Until next time.
It was nice for the first two, but now the weekly worse than last weeks storms are killing me. Don't get me wrong I LOVE snow, and I have to admit, I love my kids - I would rather they be in school instead of being home fighting with each other and myself.
Everybody wants my attention at the same time for something different and for reasons unknown, I can't do it all. I do try and fail massively and someone ends up with hurt feelings. Today our middle son was on a mission of self preservation of being the "BEST" child. He tattled on everything. My youngest insisted on breaking several things useful for conditions outside and doesn't know how or why they broke and of course the ever - "I didn't do it". Our oldest is good at sneaking around causing trouble where it isn't necessary. He is good at threats and physical fighting.
So, now imagine being home with all of this for TWO DAYS straight, while hubby is working. It took me hours to clean up the mess (the breakfast) that they had - that seemed to span two to three rooms. My house isn't ever ready for Good Housekeeping, and will never be - but the mess was enough to make the best of man to gasp. ***OOOOHHHHH MY********
Help I am snowed in and can't get away from my own children or house - spring please come early.
Until next time.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Where is my goat?
When I first started writing
My current status is depressive as ONE can get without being hospitalized. My body is so jumping and I can't relax and oh, don't think to talk to me with those eyes, I may rip them out.
This all started when my 15 year old bi polar abusive son said some hurtful things. The next day he said something really cruel (which I wanted to knock his block off). Yesterday as I lie in bed, he became so verbally abusive to me - that for his own safety I remained in my room until Shawn got home.
Many of you may not know, but I was abused in every way possible and when I got married I had this awesome sense of freedom - marriage was my escapegoat of everything I had gone through. Shawn has always promised he would never harm me and I believe him. I was living this happy life with bumps in the road. Now I want to know where my goat is? Where can I escape too now that my son is abusing me.
I hate life. I feel lost, I feel so defeated, beat down and exhausted. I am so jumpy maybe I am anxious. I feel that I have already been through enough being abused, why do I have to endure more from my OWN son. I feel like I need to leave, but I love my husband - my kids hate me and never follow the rules.
I just can't handle anymore "your son did ...." "he got an.... on the test what happened?"
We have removed all video games during the school week - and I am planning to tell them summers only. These kids don't turn papers or reports on time. Addison hasn't turned in a term paper on time in 3 years.
If anyone can help find my goat leave your comment. Thank you. I am desperately seeking refuge if even for a few hours
My current status is depressive as ONE can get without being hospitalized. My body is so jumping and I can't relax and oh, don't think to talk to me with those eyes, I may rip them out.
This all started when my 15 year old bi polar abusive son said some hurtful things. The next day he said something really cruel (which I wanted to knock his block off). Yesterday as I lie in bed, he became so verbally abusive to me - that for his own safety I remained in my room until Shawn got home.
Many of you may not know, but I was abused in every way possible and when I got married I had this awesome sense of freedom - marriage was my escapegoat of everything I had gone through. Shawn has always promised he would never harm me and I believe him. I was living this happy life with bumps in the road. Now I want to know where my goat is? Where can I escape too now that my son is abusing me.
I hate life. I feel lost, I feel so defeated, beat down and exhausted. I am so jumpy maybe I am anxious. I feel that I have already been through enough being abused, why do I have to endure more from my OWN son. I feel like I need to leave, but I love my husband - my kids hate me and never follow the rules.
I just can't handle anymore "your son did ...." "he got an.... on the test what happened?"
We have removed all video games during the school week - and I am planning to tell them summers only. These kids don't turn papers or reports on time. Addison hasn't turned in a term paper on time in 3 years.
If anyone can help find my goat leave your comment. Thank you. I am desperately seeking refuge if even for a few hours
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Who are YOU?
This is a funny story, especially if you KNOW me. Today I get up out of bed and just decided that since the day was full of parties, I might as well doll up a little (wear some make-up). Instead of the usual ponytail, sweatpants, t-shirt (the whole pajama look - I do every day). I found jeans and a nice dressy/casual shirt and since I straightened my hair last night that, I should throw on some make-up.
I get to party one - it was a 5th grader birthday party - you know just the usual parents lingering and having a great time. I actually played some intense dodge ball (see I needed my sweatpants), had some fun conversations, ate and mingled. It was almost time to wrap things up and a dad came over and said, "Hi, I am XXXX, my daughter is XXXXX, who are you?" I looked at the dad and was like are you for real, and politely said, "hey how are you, please don't shake my hand I had carpel tunnel surgery done" and a few seconds go by - I am wondering if maybe he was in a car accident or something, because I knew this man very well. So, I said - You know I am Jaden's mom - are you ok? You just never know if something medical had/is happening he could have been having a stroke, a heart attack or maybe a seizure - I was concerned and polite. He looked at me and was BEAT red and he said, a little bit quiet - "I am really sorry" "I really had no idea who you were, I saw you mingling and having a good time and it was the first chance that I saw you alone, to introduce myself and it is really embarrassing that I didn't recognize you" - "What have you done?" Well, not much really - just a little make-up. That can't be the only change? Yup, it is the only change. We chat for a few minutes and it was time to go.
We get in the car and start to head home and Jaden tells me, "my friends kept asking me who the new babysitter was at the party" now, I don't always hear what my kids wildly rant in the car and I guess I have to admit, I ignored him, but not on purpose. We get home to get ready for party number 2 and 3. Addison's mentor comes and gasped - "wow, I have never seen you with, with, with ..." and he never finished, because Jaden pipes up telling him that "all of his friends at the party wanted to know who my new babysitter was" I know what you are all thinking that I am up on this pedestal looking down and feeling I can conquer the world, right?
Absolutely, NOT!!!!! People are thinking I am a babysitter? What does a babysitter look like, anyway??? I am not taking this as a positive thing happening in my life - I mean I put make-up on and I look like a babysitter? Does that have any relation to looking like a hooker?? I am very self conscious now and there is NO time between parties to "change" anything. Shawn comes in the door and is very "interested" and we rushed out the door to our next venue. A birthday party for an 18 year old and then the parent party is upstairs (party #3).
We arrive and my kids walk in first (ok, run - they were way ahead of me) so, when I walk in the door they think I am someone else. Come on people!!! not that much changed. They too thought I was the kids "babysitter" waiting for their mom and dad to arrive. I make my way into the kitchen and my looks are the topic for the next 30 to 40 minutes and while I should be proud and all that - I was so self conscious. I kept running into the bathroom to make sure everything was in place and not running after my intense game of dodge ball. How can women want to keep this fake facade of wearing make-up if it changes a person so much? It made me self conscious, kept me wanting to make sure, things weren't getting worse, and made me look like a "babysitter" type person. Really, I want the topic to change - it just made me feel so ugly, uncomfortable, and oddly out of place. Eventually, everyone is able to stop looking at the PINK elephant in the room and we had a great time. Like everything else, everything has to come to an end.
So the adults are all starting to leave and we decide it is time, for us to leave, too. So we make parting ways to the new people we have met, and this guy said (this is no exaggeration either) "It has been nice looking at you all evening" EWWWW, did he really just say that?? I am so creeped out. We get home and I go to tell Shawn and he said "Ben Franklin enjoyed looking at my wife all evening" (he heard the guy make the statement, gosh so gross) Shawn is on this HUGE pedestal that his wife is a looker tonight and he was (and still is, because I haven't washed yet) a very proud man. REALLY?? all because of make-up.
So, does a little make-up define - WHO ARE YOU? Today it definitely defined me and made me feel oddly insecure and uncomfortable. I have NEVER thought I was a beauty of earthly tones - I have always considered myself average. I only spent time to take photos for this blog - I NEVER have done this ever - I hate every photo of me (including these in the blog) - and I think I am nothing to look at for sure. Anyway, I am who I am and if you don't like it, oh well, don't look then ...
Until next time...
I don't know, I mean in one sense it was nice that people noticed and made some very nice comments (I really am not complaining) and it did boost my self esteem (I am not going to lie), but it also made me feel like I was being a HO. Labeled the "babysitter", you may as well call me the local streetwalker, too. There is another whole side as to why I don't "make my self" up.
Here it is! It isn't that I am not worthy, or that I don't have the time, nor do I want to take the time. The reason I don't wear make-up is because, I am who I am and if people don't like it, don't look. It is really that simple. I am not self absorbed that I am willing to GIVE up time to make - up my face (so you all can enjoy it) for what reason? To ease you to look at me? then just don't look - is my attitude and today proved it. Make-up does more than change the look of oneself, for me it had more negative than a positive - I don't want to look like the "babysitter" and what does that mean anyway?
We get in the car and start to head home and Jaden tells me, "my friends kept asking me who the new babysitter was at the party" now, I don't always hear what my kids wildly rant in the car and I guess I have to admit, I ignored him, but not on purpose. We get home to get ready for party number 2 and 3. Addison's mentor comes and gasped - "wow, I have never seen you with, with, with ..." and he never finished, because Jaden pipes up telling him that "all of his friends at the party wanted to know who my new babysitter was" I know what you are all thinking that I am up on this pedestal looking down and feeling I can conquer the world, right?
We arrive and my kids walk in first (ok, run - they were way ahead of me) so, when I walk in the door they think I am someone else. Come on people!!! not that much changed. They too thought I was the kids "babysitter" waiting for their mom and dad to arrive. I make my way into the kitchen and my looks are the topic for the next 30 to 40 minutes and while I should be proud and all that - I was so self conscious. I kept running into the bathroom to make sure everything was in place and not running after my intense game of dodge ball. How can women want to keep this fake facade of wearing make-up if it changes a person so much? It made me self conscious, kept me wanting to make sure, things weren't getting worse, and made me look like a "babysitter" type person. Really, I want the topic to change - it just made me feel so ugly, uncomfortable, and oddly out of place. Eventually, everyone is able to stop looking at the PINK elephant in the room and we had a great time. Like everything else, everything has to come to an end.
So the adults are all starting to leave and we decide it is time, for us to leave, too. So we make parting ways to the new people we have met, and this guy said (this is no exaggeration either) "It has been nice looking at you all evening" EWWWW, did he really just say that?? I am so creeped out. We get home and I go to tell Shawn and he said "Ben Franklin enjoyed looking at my wife all evening" (he heard the guy make the statement, gosh so gross) Shawn is on this HUGE pedestal that his wife is a looker tonight and he was (and still is, because I haven't washed yet) a very proud man. REALLY?? all because of make-up.
So, does a little make-up define - WHO ARE YOU? Today it definitely defined me and made me feel oddly insecure and uncomfortable. I have NEVER thought I was a beauty of earthly tones - I have always considered myself average. I only spent time to take photos for this blog - I NEVER have done this ever - I hate every photo of me (including these in the blog) - and I think I am nothing to look at for sure. Anyway, I am who I am and if you don't like it, oh well, don't look then ...
Until next time...
I don't know, I mean in one sense it was nice that people noticed and made some very nice comments (I really am not complaining) and it did boost my self esteem (I am not going to lie), but it also made me feel like I was being a HO. Labeled the "babysitter", you may as well call me the local streetwalker, too. There is another whole side as to why I don't "make my self" up.
Here it is! It isn't that I am not worthy, or that I don't have the time, nor do I want to take the time. The reason I don't wear make-up is because, I am who I am and if people don't like it, don't look. It is really that simple. I am not self absorbed that I am willing to GIVE up time to make - up my face (so you all can enjoy it) for what reason? To ease you to look at me? then just don't look - is my attitude and today proved it. Make-up does more than change the look of oneself, for me it had more negative than a positive - I don't want to look like the "babysitter" and what does that mean anyway?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Should you Stay or Go? - to work, that is
Believe it or not - I don't favor one side over another. I think if you choose to stay home and raise your kids, it is a great choice, but I also think it is a good choice if a parent NEEDS, or WANTS to return to work. I stayed home, and for us that wasn't the original plan, - I had to go back to work. After my harrowing delivery experience with Gage (I almost nearly died) the doctor wanted to make sure I had fully recovered, so I was continued on maternity leave an additional 10 weeks on top of the 8 for c-sect (normally it is 6 weeks, but my company gave 8). We also decided to use the FLMA (Family Leave / Materity Act). At some point, the company fired me while on FLMA,- Due to conditions of a legal agreement I am not allowed to discuss the situation any further. So, I got all this time off, then started to collect unemployment while trying to find something suitable for baby and me. There was nothing out there at the time (like there is today). I technically had to start over and it would just be about enough to pay for daycare. Maybe walk away with $50.00 a week. To me it wasn't worth putting my child into daycare and miss everything for $50.00 a week. I did keep my eyes open though.
Being home with a child and not having that access to adult conversations really did a lot of damage to my own self esteem. It was hard making new friends - everybody worked during the day, being home with a colicky crying baby for 24 hours a day (alright you got me exaggerating again, I am sorry - it was close to 18 hours a day then) and trust me when I say a baby does NOT make a great companion (Not much has changed now that they are older either, LOL - maybe because they are boys) I mean really how often can you sing "I am a little teapot ..." "the insi whincy spider went up the water ..." I think you get the idea. That Barney song just drove me absolutely insane and our home had a Barney Ban (If you're not sure of who Barney is - he sang "I love you, you love me..." just sickening annoying purple dinosaur).
If I could have the chance to redo things - I would have found any job and put all my kids (maybe not Addison - because, he spent the majority of his first two years in the hospital, so I probably would have gotten fired anyway) in daycare. I absolutely think if I had done daycare, the special needs I am encountering now would be at best minimal. I think daycare is a positive stimulating environment for children with special needs. I bet if a study was done on children and disabilities - the disabilities would be less severe with all that school stimulation at an early age. I can't change it back now, but it makes me wonder ... what if...
Not that you asked, but here is my food for thought: If your life screams two incomes than that is what you need to do. Remember, having a baby/child is stress, so if you add finances to that mix and then life starts to happen as in Murphy's Law the chance of your marriage surviving is very low. If it looks like doing daycare is only going to give you less than $100 per bi-weekly payments - the option of going back to work may not be viable. I suggest to cut out services to bare minimum items, like land line phone - especially if you have mobile. Only carry basic cable to get local programming (remember it won't always be this way). Never buy anything at full price, use coupons, shop around for best prices, make a list of needs, wants, must have, and save for. Put them in order according to how bad you want the items. Try to take at least $20.00 @ every paycheck and put it away, never touch - if you can't do that (like us) put all change in HUGE container and in a few short years this will be your vacation money. Everything is about budget and changing a lifestyle to be home with your child.
Another way of working around not paying for daycare (at first) is - work @ home. Become a licensed home day care provider, if that doesn't suit you; offer tutoring, after school care (for older kids); teach music lessons (if you play an instrument); there are legal services looking for people type court hearings. They have delivery services from door to door and best of all, you get paid to type and be with your child. The worst mistake is to locate one of those too good to be true business opportunities, Don't DO IT. If you have to pay to buy in, FORGET about it. Companies are looking for telecommuters, in this day and age, to work from home. Beware, because these companies expect you to work normal business hours and some babies could make it difficult (really depends on the baby's personality) without securing full day daycare. You also have to be a very motivated AND a dedicated worker, for this arrangement to work out.
Being home with your child or children does open up windows to finish or better your career, of course, this option cost money to finish or further your education - the trade off here is that the government, today is wanting to help those people who are willing to work for that grant money, it is often viewed as difficult to get it, but if you don't give up this could be the best viable option for the whole family.
Just as electronics are changing by leaps and bounds daily, requirements for our children's education change equally as fast. I think the best option, today, is that children attend daycare by age 3 (at the absolute latest, I recommend 18 months - 2 years). Gone are the days of doing two days a week, they need to be there all 5 days in order to get the most out of. Believe it or not, the kids learn to sit, follow their peers, stay on task at such an early age, that if your child misses this part of learning, the chances of an ADHD or ADD diagnoisis is increased by about 70% to 80%. It is ok, to do half days - but to get the full benefits of starting early with education is to have them enrolled 5 days a week. Mornings are best for young children, they are bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to go after having a 8-12 hours of sleep. Going to school in the afternoon (after a two hour nap) well, you take a nap and see how you are able to focus and sit to learn something - it is difficult.
To summarize everything - If you have to work, WORK! If you choose to stay home, be sure to enroll your child as soon as possible in daycare/nursery school to get that education stimulation as early as possible. If you are at home, make the best of the time for both you and your family. Research all grants and take advantage of them. It will be work, to get it; but the pay off could be huge. If you absolutely need an income - research your area. Believe it or not your local Child Protective Services center (CPS) will have the absolute MOST amount of information for your area - good place to start your research. They should have information on jobs (becoming a licensed home day care provider), plus many other options. Your local college institution should also have a lot of resources, even if you are NOT a student. If you have a service to provide to other students, this is a good start to get your name out there for free.
I wish many blessing to any family that reads this and hope that it enables you to discover options that are best for your own family. While these are my own beliefs, please don't shoot the messenger, these are just my thoughts. Before making a commitment please do all of your own research, I would hate for a family to rid all of their splurge expenditures to find out that ends still can't be met. No matter your choice, life is hard - be sure you live to the fullest you can. Live with the attitude of "Can do anything". and Live well my friends, live well.
Do all the good you can... To all you can... and as often as you can... Blessings, Diane
Being home with a child and not having that access to adult conversations really did a lot of damage to my own self esteem. It was hard making new friends - everybody worked during the day, being home with a colicky crying baby for 24 hours a day (alright you got me exaggerating again, I am sorry - it was close to 18 hours a day then) and trust me when I say a baby does NOT make a great companion (Not much has changed now that they are older either, LOL - maybe because they are boys) I mean really how often can you sing "I am a little teapot ..." "the insi whincy spider went up the water ..." I think you get the idea. That Barney song just drove me absolutely insane and our home had a Barney Ban (If you're not sure of who Barney is - he sang "I love you, you love me..." just sickening annoying purple dinosaur).
If I could have the chance to redo things - I would have found any job and put all my kids (maybe not Addison - because, he spent the majority of his first two years in the hospital, so I probably would have gotten fired anyway) in daycare. I absolutely think if I had done daycare, the special needs I am encountering now would be at best minimal. I think daycare is a positive stimulating environment for children with special needs. I bet if a study was done on children and disabilities - the disabilities would be less severe with all that school stimulation at an early age. I can't change it back now, but it makes me wonder ... what if...
Not that you asked, but here is my food for thought: If your life screams two incomes than that is what you need to do. Remember, having a baby/child is stress, so if you add finances to that mix and then life starts to happen as in Murphy's Law the chance of your marriage surviving is very low. If it looks like doing daycare is only going to give you less than $100 per bi-weekly payments - the option of going back to work may not be viable. I suggest to cut out services to bare minimum items, like land line phone - especially if you have mobile. Only carry basic cable to get local programming (remember it won't always be this way). Never buy anything at full price, use coupons, shop around for best prices, make a list of needs, wants, must have, and save for. Put them in order according to how bad you want the items. Try to take at least $20.00 @ every paycheck and put it away, never touch - if you can't do that (like us) put all change in HUGE container and in a few short years this will be your vacation money. Everything is about budget and changing a lifestyle to be home with your child.
Another way of working around not paying for daycare (at first) is - work @ home. Become a licensed home day care provider, if that doesn't suit you; offer tutoring, after school care (for older kids); teach music lessons (if you play an instrument); there are legal services looking for people type court hearings. They have delivery services from door to door and best of all, you get paid to type and be with your child. The worst mistake is to locate one of those too good to be true business opportunities, Don't DO IT. If you have to pay to buy in, FORGET about it. Companies are looking for telecommuters, in this day and age, to work from home. Beware, because these companies expect you to work normal business hours and some babies could make it difficult (really depends on the baby's personality) without securing full day daycare. You also have to be a very motivated AND a dedicated worker, for this arrangement to work out.
Being home with your child or children does open up windows to finish or better your career, of course, this option cost money to finish or further your education - the trade off here is that the government, today is wanting to help those people who are willing to work for that grant money, it is often viewed as difficult to get it, but if you don't give up this could be the best viable option for the whole family.
Just as electronics are changing by leaps and bounds daily, requirements for our children's education change equally as fast. I think the best option, today, is that children attend daycare by age 3 (at the absolute latest, I recommend 18 months - 2 years). Gone are the days of doing two days a week, they need to be there all 5 days in order to get the most out of. Believe it or not, the kids learn to sit, follow their peers, stay on task at such an early age, that if your child misses this part of learning, the chances of an ADHD or ADD diagnoisis is increased by about 70% to 80%. It is ok, to do half days - but to get the full benefits of starting early with education is to have them enrolled 5 days a week. Mornings are best for young children, they are bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to go after having a 8-12 hours of sleep. Going to school in the afternoon (after a two hour nap) well, you take a nap and see how you are able to focus and sit to learn something - it is difficult.
To summarize everything - If you have to work, WORK! If you choose to stay home, be sure to enroll your child as soon as possible in daycare/nursery school to get that education stimulation as early as possible. If you are at home, make the best of the time for both you and your family. Research all grants and take advantage of them. It will be work, to get it; but the pay off could be huge. If you absolutely need an income - research your area. Believe it or not your local Child Protective Services center (CPS) will have the absolute MOST amount of information for your area - good place to start your research. They should have information on jobs (becoming a licensed home day care provider), plus many other options. Your local college institution should also have a lot of resources, even if you are NOT a student. If you have a service to provide to other students, this is a good start to get your name out there for free.
I wish many blessing to any family that reads this and hope that it enables you to discover options that are best for your own family. While these are my own beliefs, please don't shoot the messenger, these are just my thoughts. Before making a commitment please do all of your own research, I would hate for a family to rid all of their splurge expenditures to find out that ends still can't be met. No matter your choice, life is hard - be sure you live to the fullest you can. Live with the attitude of "Can do anything". and Live well my friends, live well.
Do all the good you can... To all you can... and as often as you can... Blessings, Diane
Sunday, January 16, 2011
All about add a son... Addison
I filled you in on Gage's pregnancy, now it is time to tell you about Addison. I had an amnio test done due to the fact, another test revealed a possible birth defect. Well, the amnio test came back as finding a problem with the baby and it revealed that Addison had Spina Bifida (the numbers were low, but claimed we were expecting an abnormal child) and I had to have ultra sound scans that seemed to be weekly - they were looking for a hole in his spine. It could be huge or it could be small, they insisted we know so we could be well informed and they never found one. They were also keeping an eagle eye out on this pregnancy since my first one nearly killed me (literally). When Addison was born he was whisked away, to have tests run and done. They returned him to me and all they found was a small little dimple on his back right above his spine (and it was the cutest dimple (you can't even see it now) of where the small anomaly was. He must be thoroughly checked for scoliosis and there have been some changes, but nothing significant needing medical intervention.
Addison practically lived in the hospital for the first two years of his life. He got everything, any illness or sickness any baby could get plus some. He had tubes (in his ears) numerous times so much that he suffered some hearing loss, but our insurance at the time wouldn't cover hearing aids for him. By the time we had insurance to cover them, his hearing had improved enough not to qualify for them so we were told as he grows the scar tissue will get less and less. When Addison was three, I decided to have his tonsils and adenoids removed (the pediatrician did NOT back my decision), but it was the best decision I have ever made, Addison has NOT been in the hospital overnight since.
Addison was closely monitored by doctors for a long time and there really was no need for the visits to continue. So now he has ONE doctor. Praise the Lord. We know he will need to have an Orthopedic type spine doctor when he gets older, but for now - we just have thorough scoliosis checks and X-Rays every few years to check for changes. We have a friend whose daughter has Spina Bifida and to say Addison has it, just seems to be considered as salt in a wound. Addison suffers from a seizure disorder and that too has subsided into petite mal seizures it is extremely manageable, which unbelievably could be from Spina Bifida. I have also recently learned that children born with spina bifida seem to be at a greater risk of any and all types of infection, which could explain his first two years of life.
Jaden, oh boy my Jaden. We opted to have every test available during this pregnancy, so we could be ready for whatever this new darling bouncing baby would bring. Imagine our surprise when they said, "The fetus (gosh I hate that word, it is a baby) appears to be developing normal in every aspect" and "all the tests have come back within "normal" limits". Ok, a no surprise type baby - I like that and certainly can handle it. Jaden was born on his due date, however I was in labor in the HOSPITAL for 3 or 4 days before I just gave up and said, just get the baby out. I really, really wanted to try to deliver him and my doctors were so good to me to let me have that control. Gage was C-Sect under full anesthesia and Addison they let me have contractions, but they said, it would be best to deliver him via C-section under local anesthesia. I just wanted to try for that v-bac, for my 3rd pregnancy. After nearly reaching a full week in labor (apparently I had been having contractions at home for a few days before mentioning it to the doctor who instantly admitted me into the hospital) I just gave up and had another c-sect for our third boy. I never knew for any of the pregnancies what I was having and although I could find out definitely with the last two, I remained faithful in not wanting to know until they arrived. I was still (secretly hoping for a girl). Everything was unremarkable for Jaden until he was 3. Aside some minor issues, but the biggest event took place when he was 3. Jaden will have his own post, so be on the look out for it.
I do have to tell this story it is so funny and scary at the same time. Addison God bless this child, he means so well and he really LOVES everyone. I think Jaden was about 5-6 weeks old and I had Jaden swinging in his swing and I was doing something else, not too far away. I hear this muffled choking kind of sound and I ran to Jaden ripped him out of his swing, called 911, and was sticking my fingers into Jaden's throat dislodging a ... cookie, cracker, goldfish??? As I am on the phone, receiving directions, I see this man running with some bag and jumping over flowers coming closer and closer to my home, meanwhile I was still receiving directions and my front door swung wide open - it was the maniac that was running and jumping over things down the street. I tried to hang up with 911 - they even said "that was record time for a response and they didn't believe me at first that someone was there to help". When the officer arrived 911 felt comfortable in releasing the call as responded. The first responder only lived a few houses up the street and when he heard it was a newborn he knew there wasn't time to waste. They get Jaden stabilized and he did need some oxygen (not too much) and they want to know what happened. Well, I hadn't a clue - I didn't give him any food.
Addison was talking to all the police and ambulance people and they couldn't believe he was only 2.5 - he was a highly verbal child. So, the police asked him what happened - boy this child, this child of mine - he told them "I NEVER feed Jaden and Jaden is VERY hungry" Uh huh, so did you help mommy feed baby Jaden? (the police officer asked, Addison) "Yes, but he was sleeping - he opened his eyes - he was very hungry" now, I know you see this developing story and while this is serious - I found it incredibly difficult to remain serious - I do believe that some of the emergency workers felt the same way, too. Addison is about to further tell the story of how neglectful I am as well.
You have to remember Addison was practically raised in the hospital. I had constant help, when ever he stopped breathing or his heart slowed down enough to sound the alarms, etc you get the point, I always had help and there were always all these people around. He tells the officer that I don't feed Jaden, and then officer gives me a look of "you will have your turn in a minute", then goes on to say that nobody cares for him. He just lays on the floor, and in his bed and mommy leaves him to cry in the swing. I am ready to choke this lovely child of mine.
Woohoo it is my turn to speak. You have to take everything for face value when talking to a 2.5 year old and in Addison's eyes - Jaden NEVER ate - All of my kids were nursed, heck only Gage had bottles, because he couldn't get the latch-on process, so I pumped and put into bottles for him. So, yes, technically Jaden didn't eat. I now have three boys, and a changing station had become quite the hazard in the home it just screamed, "climb me and jump" so Jaden had the unfortunate experience of being changed on the floor. As for not being cared for, well that can be easily explained to a police officer, but not a young child. Jaden had to be left many of times, even in great distress, and that included times of near starvation, and hark let lightening strike me now - he had to be left in his crib - when I was tending to other important duties such as; retrieving children climbing to dangerous heights on tables, counters, toys you name it if it was dangerous, my kids climbed it. So forgive me, if I left Jaden in his crib to finish his nap and he woke up while I was saving someone else's life. Surely you can forgive me.
Here is what we think happened. I had just finished feeding Jaden and placed him in his swing and started to do stuff in the kitchen to prepare for lunch. Addison had been given some crackers, earlier and decided himself that since he never sees mommy feed Jaden some food, he must be hungry by now. For fear that Jaden's life would end early due to starvation, he gave Jaden a cracker and when Jaden didn't respond (because he was sleeping) he crammed or pushed it further back into his tiny mouth. That is when I heard the muffled choking and I immediately dialed 911. I wasn't going to wait to see if he was breathing, they were coming no matter what. The officers were so good, (mainly because they didn't arrest me, LOL,) they played with Addison and did such a great job in educating Addison that the food Jaden received and needed right then wasn't the same type of food that he required. I can't even imagine the post I would have to do if they did arrest me. I think that would have sent Addison over the edge though. He is such a funny boy and his love of people will either be his biggest asset or be his biggest demise. I am praying for the first one.
Until next time...
Addison practically lived in the hospital for the first two years of his life. He got everything, any illness or sickness any baby could get plus some. He had tubes (in his ears) numerous times so much that he suffered some hearing loss, but our insurance at the time wouldn't cover hearing aids for him. By the time we had insurance to cover them, his hearing had improved enough not to qualify for them so we were told as he grows the scar tissue will get less and less. When Addison was three, I decided to have his tonsils and adenoids removed (the pediatrician did NOT back my decision), but it was the best decision I have ever made, Addison has NOT been in the hospital overnight since.
Addison was closely monitored by doctors for a long time and there really was no need for the visits to continue. So now he has ONE doctor. Praise the Lord. We know he will need to have an Orthopedic type spine doctor when he gets older, but for now - we just have thorough scoliosis checks and X-Rays every few years to check for changes. We have a friend whose daughter has Spina Bifida and to say Addison has it, just seems to be considered as salt in a wound. Addison suffers from a seizure disorder and that too has subsided into petite mal seizures it is extremely manageable, which unbelievably could be from Spina Bifida. I have also recently learned that children born with spina bifida seem to be at a greater risk of any and all types of infection, which could explain his first two years of life.
Jaden, oh boy my Jaden. We opted to have every test available during this pregnancy, so we could be ready for whatever this new darling bouncing baby would bring. Imagine our surprise when they said, "The fetus (gosh I hate that word, it is a baby) appears to be developing normal in every aspect" and "all the tests have come back within "normal" limits". Ok, a no surprise type baby - I like that and certainly can handle it. Jaden was born on his due date, however I was in labor in the HOSPITAL for 3 or 4 days before I just gave up and said, just get the baby out. I really, really wanted to try to deliver him and my doctors were so good to me to let me have that control. Gage was C-Sect under full anesthesia and Addison they let me have contractions, but they said, it would be best to deliver him via C-section under local anesthesia. I just wanted to try for that v-bac, for my 3rd pregnancy. After nearly reaching a full week in labor (apparently I had been having contractions at home for a few days before mentioning it to the doctor who instantly admitted me into the hospital) I just gave up and had another c-sect for our third boy. I never knew for any of the pregnancies what I was having and although I could find out definitely with the last two, I remained faithful in not wanting to know until they arrived. I was still (secretly hoping for a girl). Everything was unremarkable for Jaden until he was 3. Aside some minor issues, but the biggest event took place when he was 3. Jaden will have his own post, so be on the look out for it.
I do have to tell this story it is so funny and scary at the same time. Addison God bless this child, he means so well and he really LOVES everyone. I think Jaden was about 5-6 weeks old and I had Jaden swinging in his swing and I was doing something else, not too far away. I hear this muffled choking kind of sound and I ran to Jaden ripped him out of his swing, called 911, and was sticking my fingers into Jaden's throat dislodging a ... cookie, cracker, goldfish??? As I am on the phone, receiving directions, I see this man running with some bag and jumping over flowers coming closer and closer to my home, meanwhile I was still receiving directions and my front door swung wide open - it was the maniac that was running and jumping over things down the street. I tried to hang up with 911 - they even said "that was record time for a response and they didn't believe me at first that someone was there to help". When the officer arrived 911 felt comfortable in releasing the call as responded. The first responder only lived a few houses up the street and when he heard it was a newborn he knew there wasn't time to waste. They get Jaden stabilized and he did need some oxygen (not too much) and they want to know what happened. Well, I hadn't a clue - I didn't give him any food.
Addison was talking to all the police and ambulance people and they couldn't believe he was only 2.5 - he was a highly verbal child. So, the police asked him what happened - boy this child, this child of mine - he told them "I NEVER feed Jaden and Jaden is VERY hungry" Uh huh, so did you help mommy feed baby Jaden? (the police officer asked, Addison) "Yes, but he was sleeping - he opened his eyes - he was very hungry" now, I know you see this developing story and while this is serious - I found it incredibly difficult to remain serious - I do believe that some of the emergency workers felt the same way, too. Addison is about to further tell the story of how neglectful I am as well.
You have to remember Addison was practically raised in the hospital. I had constant help, when ever he stopped breathing or his heart slowed down enough to sound the alarms, etc you get the point, I always had help and there were always all these people around. He tells the officer that I don't feed Jaden, and then officer gives me a look of "you will have your turn in a minute", then goes on to say that nobody cares for him. He just lays on the floor, and in his bed and mommy leaves him to cry in the swing. I am ready to choke this lovely child of mine.
Woohoo it is my turn to speak. You have to take everything for face value when talking to a 2.5 year old and in Addison's eyes - Jaden NEVER ate - All of my kids were nursed, heck only Gage had bottles, because he couldn't get the latch-on process, so I pumped and put into bottles for him. So, yes, technically Jaden didn't eat. I now have three boys, and a changing station had become quite the hazard in the home it just screamed, "climb me and jump" so Jaden had the unfortunate experience of being changed on the floor. As for not being cared for, well that can be easily explained to a police officer, but not a young child. Jaden had to be left many of times, even in great distress, and that included times of near starvation, and hark let lightening strike me now - he had to be left in his crib - when I was tending to other important duties such as; retrieving children climbing to dangerous heights on tables, counters, toys you name it if it was dangerous, my kids climbed it. So forgive me, if I left Jaden in his crib to finish his nap and he woke up while I was saving someone else's life. Surely you can forgive me.
Here is what we think happened. I had just finished feeding Jaden and placed him in his swing and started to do stuff in the kitchen to prepare for lunch. Addison had been given some crackers, earlier and decided himself that since he never sees mommy feed Jaden some food, he must be hungry by now. For fear that Jaden's life would end early due to starvation, he gave Jaden a cracker and when Jaden didn't respond (because he was sleeping) he crammed or pushed it further back into his tiny mouth. That is when I heard the muffled choking and I immediately dialed 911. I wasn't going to wait to see if he was breathing, they were coming no matter what. The officers were so good, (mainly because they didn't arrest me, LOL,) they played with Addison and did such a great job in educating Addison that the food Jaden received and needed right then wasn't the same type of food that he required. I can't even imagine the post I would have to do if they did arrest me. I think that would have sent Addison over the edge though. He is such a funny boy and his love of people will either be his biggest asset or be his biggest demise. I am praying for the first one.
Until next time...
On account of abuse pt. #3.
Foster family #4 is now, known as my MOM and DAD. Yes, they adopted me, but they deserve nothing less than to be called my MOM and DAD, because they had a shell of an 8 year old (I weighed 32.4 pounds at 8 years and 3 months) little girl that was frightened and terrified of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I hid under the table at every noise and sound, retreated to the same place when I got a boo boo (got blood everywhere and mom wasn't too happy about it on her carpet, I just didn't want that band aid), refused alone time with my dad, after all, "all love from a man is going to hurt" and I wanted no part of it.
Now this is the extreme short story. My records are a staggering 10 pound pile of papers, the abuse from my step-dad is NOT in any reports, so it is uncertain if bio mom knew or hid the information, but I do remember. My mom insists there is more to my records than my 10 pound pile. For the 1970's this is really unheard of, things weren't kept on record or at least NOT to this magnitude. The fact, that I have records is in itself amazing.
I have a really close relationship with my bio aunt to this day and to me this is the only way for me to heal. I was apparently to her - EVERYTHING. I have trouble to this day believeing that I meant SOMETHING to someone, not to mention that she is a piece of my TRUE biological family.
They say everything is relative to something and I guess the abuse had a negative impact, thus creating relativness in my life. But, I don't think I am a negative spark in life that people made me out to be. I suppose I could have crawled in a hole and died like everyone wanted me to. I guess I could beat my kids into submission to be obiediant and submissive and not suffer through all the disorganization in my life. I guess I could just leave and let other people just deal with the mess I have made of things. I guess I could do all of this stuff because it is expected of me NOT to prevail and break through the walls of my hellish life. But, no people still often see me as a negative force (they probably won't read this, well, because I amsmart STRONG enough not to let them back into my life) and all I want to say is that - I am a constant piece of work, everyday is a struggle and everyday is a day to work on something I am facing that would have been enough to place me in a padded room several years ago (remember BC, before children). I have to admit - I have a hard time making and keeping friends. I have never trusted anyone long enough to try (with the exception of my huband) and I probably won't ever to be able to. I do have friends, but they are always kept at an arms distance away, I never call and invite ANYONE to hang out for a day, I NEVER hang out with a friend to just hang out and be women on a mission of fun, I never do girls day or night. I wouldn't know what to do, what to say, but my most prized relationship is with my husband. He has been my best friend for more than half my life and even after 16 years of wedded bliss we are very happily married. Having kids definitely has dented my ability to think I can, I think I can. But, then again, a few of my friends say they go through the same thing and they say they had a "normal" upbringing. So, do I dare say I am "normal" - Well, I don't dare venture to the "normal" side of things, just as I won't allow myself to hang out on a chance. I will keep thinking things through, rationalize if, what, when, and how and by the grace of God live beyond what the statistics said or continues to show about people "who were abused."
To my friends who read this, what is there for me to say other than, I am sorry. Some of you know I was abused, but I guess, I just never put myself out there to trust in you or our friendship (I am sorry). There are so many other things I wanted to discuss and shovel this as far away from the surface as I could, I just want "normal" conversations. The other aspect really is nothing other than I never wanted to recount thy ways of growing up. I never wanted or anticipated that I could be so public about this pain - it just happened. Yeah, I was never going to recount thy ways of said endured abuse. I just pray you are able to forgive me.
For those just joining, my blog will NOT discuss child abuse or surviving it. This is a one time 3 part post and I am planning on moving on from here. I have left out names for a reason, please don't try to figure out if I am a long lost sibling or you think you may be bio mom, because I have ZERO interest in getting to know a person that HAD the capability to HATE their own offspring. I have an ANGER burning inside me regarding my bio mom and have NO interest in her, what SHE was going through, nor do I feel that she have any right or need to explain her side. She beat her side into me for years on end, even after several separations. I have a MOM and my MOM loves and cares for me. I have a link to my bio family and that is good enough, thank you auntie. I have loved making memories and traditions with you and your own family and I think my kids have too. (please don't repond here, send private email) Sign up with a false name, Elmer Fudd would be good, LOL and respond away. Anyway...
Do all the good you can... To all you can... and as often as you can... Blessings, Diane
P.S. There were so many questions and I am not going to answer them individually, I am hoping my honesty will answer the many questions you had. Feel free to leave comments, but this will be my FINAL post about my abused living.
P.S.S. I will not answer questions, nor do I want to share this to make a book deal - ARE you for real??? go away. The only person that is going to write a book about this will be ME and NO ONE else. Be gone with you I say - I vanquish you to sick city - to relish in someone else's pain - you got issues.
Now this is the extreme short story. My records are a staggering 10 pound pile of papers, the abuse from my step-dad is NOT in any reports, so it is uncertain if bio mom knew or hid the information, but I do remember. My mom insists there is more to my records than my 10 pound pile. For the 1970's this is really unheard of, things weren't kept on record or at least NOT to this magnitude. The fact, that I have records is in itself amazing.
I have a really close relationship with my bio aunt to this day and to me this is the only way for me to heal. I was apparently to her - EVERYTHING. I have trouble to this day believeing that I meant SOMETHING to someone, not to mention that she is a piece of my TRUE biological family.
They say everything is relative to something and I guess the abuse had a negative impact, thus creating relativness in my life. But, I don't think I am a negative spark in life that people made me out to be. I suppose I could have crawled in a hole and died like everyone wanted me to. I guess I could beat my kids into submission to be obiediant and submissive and not suffer through all the disorganization in my life. I guess I could just leave and let other people just deal with the mess I have made of things. I guess I could do all of this stuff because it is expected of me NOT to prevail and break through the walls of my hellish life. But, no people still often see me as a negative force (they probably won't read this, well, because I am
To my friends who read this, what is there for me to say other than, I am sorry. Some of you know I was abused, but I guess, I just never put myself out there to trust in you or our friendship (I am sorry). There are so many other things I wanted to discuss and shovel this as far away from the surface as I could, I just want "normal" conversations. The other aspect really is nothing other than I never wanted to recount thy ways of growing up. I never wanted or anticipated that I could be so public about this pain - it just happened. Yeah, I was never going to recount thy ways of said endured abuse. I just pray you are able to forgive me.
For those just joining, my blog will NOT discuss child abuse or surviving it. This is a one time 3 part post and I am planning on moving on from here. I have left out names for a reason, please don't try to figure out if I am a long lost sibling or you think you may be bio mom, because I have ZERO interest in getting to know a person that HAD the capability to HATE their own offspring. I have an ANGER burning inside me regarding my bio mom and have NO interest in her, what SHE was going through, nor do I feel that she have any right or need to explain her side. She beat her side into me for years on end, even after several separations. I have a MOM and my MOM loves and cares for me. I have a link to my bio family and that is good enough, thank you auntie. I have loved making memories and traditions with you and your own family and I think my kids have too. (please don't repond here, send private email) Sign up with a false name, Elmer Fudd would be good, LOL and respond away. Anyway...
Do all the good you can... To all you can... and as often as you can... Blessings, Diane
P.S. There were so many questions and I am not going to answer them individually, I am hoping my honesty will answer the many questions you had. Feel free to leave comments, but this will be my FINAL post about my abused living.
P.S.S. I will not answer questions, nor do I want to share this to make a book deal - ARE you for real??? go away. The only person that is going to write a book about this will be ME and NO ONE else. Be gone with you I say - I vanquish you to sick city - to relish in someone else's pain - you got issues.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
On account of abuse pt. #2
The reports indicate that I flourished with foster family #1 and I was a joy in the home. At some point the state returned me back to bio mom, because she had met the terms and conditions for me to return home. Bad mistake, I am able to remember at this point *** please, don't read if you are super sensitive*** Abuse alert***abuse alert******
I remember being shoved outside during really bad thunderstorms, all doors locked and can't get back in, socks shoved in my mouth secured with band aids, my bedroom door had been cut at the bottom enough so that SOME food on a tray (when bio mom felt she HAD to feed me) could be slipped under the door, baby powder crammed down my mouth and throat, my ears would bleed at random (I probably blocked out severe physical punishments that preceded the bleeding, so the therapist believed back then), then I have this huge fear of needles (there aren't any notes, but it is believed that I was tortured with safety pins for fun, especially at diaper changes when I was a baby). A report tells and supports most of STRANGE and SEVERE fears and goes on to say a neighbor called police not once, not twice, not even three times - it was FIVE times folks, before the POLICE finally responded to desperate pleas of a screaming three year old being left out in a dangerous thunderstorm unattended and fingers bloody trying to get into the house. I was emaciated, bruised and battered, very scared, little girl. Bio mom went to retrieve me from the officers and I would NOT let go of one of the officers. Bio mom tried all her might to get me and even hit me a few times and the officers, called home base explained my condition and the state removed me from the home indefinitely AND IMMEDIATELY.
Foster home #2 This was a temporary placement and don't remember much. The reports state that I had many trust issues and separation anxiety. It was too much for the family so onto foster family #3.
I remember this family like it was yesterday. They had plans to adopt me and they had included my visits from bio dads side of the family. I was flourishing and working out the issues that had been, well beaten into me. Behind the scenes (I didn't really understand even when I was 18 and able to read through everything) the state didn't want me to return to bio mom. The state did I guess everything they could. They were able to convince my bio mom to tell bio dad that this nice family was going to adopt me (of course, they somewhat knew because they were secretly visiting me) so my bio dad signed the papers. Woohoo, I am going to be adopted by this really awesome and nice family. My new father took a job overseas and bio dad signed me over and bio mom said she would too, so off to England we went. I was sooo happy, as long as you didn't try to put a band aid on me, get out a pin or needle, and it was sunny outside, plus I am guessing other issues. I am not sure how much time passed, because I was just such a happy little girl, but my new mom was sick, we had to return to the states for her treatment and well, I was so needy due to all of my fears and my new mom, needed me to be placed in a temporary foster home while she faced her illness. The state agreed that would be the best for me, because I was such a velcro child and my mom needed some rest. The state promised that I would be returned to foster family #3 when my new mom felt better. At some point, the state finds out that bio mom didn't sign her rights over, like she agreed to and were left with no choice. You got it, I legally had to be returned to the monster.
I fought like bloody hell, and remember seeing the social worker crying and trying to encourage my return to bio mom. I am now almost 6 and back home I have a new dad and a NEW BROTHER (it is obvious I had been with foster family #3 a few years). It didn't take long before things returned to normal, me locked in my room 24/7 no human contact for weeks and weeks at a time. Thrown outside during thunderstorms, but now I was smarter and would go to a house where the people would feed me, dry my clothes, and just plain care about me - oh, yeah they had kids too around my age. They told me (when I visited them when I was 20 yrs old) that they called the police many times to report the bleeding ears, my emaciated body frame, the bruises, and just to get them out to save me - the police didn't do anything. At some point, my new step-dad had taken a HUGE interest in me, at first, I liked it - until he started hurting me (this type of abuse, I was NOT used). This man hurt me a lot, but he always told me, "it was supposed to; that is how love is; and that this "alone" time was our secret" I didn't know I was only 6 (just in case, you don't understand this man sexually abused me, when I WAS only 6 years old). How does a child, a baby of 6 years come out of this unscathed?
Things started to escalate in the home, I was barely ever allowed out of my room, unless step-dad thought we should have our "alone" time when my bio mom left. Then all of a sudden bio dad didn't even want me (he left bio mom and wanted a divorce, which I took the abuse for because apparently, it was my fault - remember the secret, maybe she found out (I will never know))- what in the world did I do? Then bizarre things happened, I was given baths regularly, people visiting all the time, I was able to play with my new brother, and life seemed ok. We had a black dog named Happy and I loved him, the next thing I know I find myself outside, yet again in a severe thunderstorm and found refuge in the dog house (It felt like days). The house is locked (like that is new information), but this time is different - nobody is home. I fell asleep in the dog house (now this could have been a nap - I don't know or remember if it was night sleeping) but, the police came. They wanted me to come out of the dog house and I remember I wouldn't obey, but why? I don't remember. It took hours and hours to convince me that I would be safe from here on out (according to records they tried everything for hours to regain my trust). The state welfare division was on site too, WOW this must be really important for them to be there (remember this was the 1970's). I was promised that I would be loved forever and all I could think is foster family #3 - I was going home. I was so upset that I wasn't going to foster #3, but they said they were working on it and another family was going to care for me. Foster family #4.
To be continued in On account of abuse pt. #3
I remember being shoved outside during really bad thunderstorms, all doors locked and can't get back in, socks shoved in my mouth secured with band aids, my bedroom door had been cut at the bottom enough so that SOME food on a tray (when bio mom felt she HAD to feed me) could be slipped under the door, baby powder crammed down my mouth and throat, my ears would bleed at random (I probably blocked out severe physical punishments that preceded the bleeding, so the therapist believed back then), then I have this huge fear of needles (there aren't any notes, but it is believed that I was tortured with safety pins for fun, especially at diaper changes when I was a baby). A report tells and supports most of STRANGE and SEVERE fears and goes on to say a neighbor called police not once, not twice, not even three times - it was FIVE times folks, before the POLICE finally responded to desperate pleas of a screaming three year old being left out in a dangerous thunderstorm unattended and fingers bloody trying to get into the house. I was emaciated, bruised and battered, very scared, little girl. Bio mom went to retrieve me from the officers and I would NOT let go of one of the officers. Bio mom tried all her might to get me and even hit me a few times and the officers, called home base explained my condition and the state removed me from the home indefinitely AND IMMEDIATELY.
Foster home #2 This was a temporary placement and don't remember much. The reports state that I had many trust issues and separation anxiety. It was too much for the family so onto foster family #3.
I remember this family like it was yesterday. They had plans to adopt me and they had included my visits from bio dads side of the family. I was flourishing and working out the issues that had been, well beaten into me. Behind the scenes (I didn't really understand even when I was 18 and able to read through everything) the state didn't want me to return to bio mom. The state did I guess everything they could. They were able to convince my bio mom to tell bio dad that this nice family was going to adopt me (of course, they somewhat knew because they were secretly visiting me) so my bio dad signed the papers. Woohoo, I am going to be adopted by this really awesome and nice family. My new father took a job overseas and bio dad signed me over and bio mom said she would too, so off to England we went. I was sooo happy, as long as you didn't try to put a band aid on me, get out a pin or needle, and it was sunny outside, plus I am guessing other issues. I am not sure how much time passed, because I was just such a happy little girl, but my new mom was sick, we had to return to the states for her treatment and well, I was so needy due to all of my fears and my new mom, needed me to be placed in a temporary foster home while she faced her illness. The state agreed that would be the best for me, because I was such a velcro child and my mom needed some rest. The state promised that I would be returned to foster family #3 when my new mom felt better. At some point, the state finds out that bio mom didn't sign her rights over, like she agreed to and were left with no choice. You got it, I legally had to be returned to the monster.
I fought like bloody hell, and remember seeing the social worker crying and trying to encourage my return to bio mom. I am now almost 6 and back home I have a new dad and a NEW BROTHER (it is obvious I had been with foster family #3 a few years). It didn't take long before things returned to normal, me locked in my room 24/7 no human contact for weeks and weeks at a time. Thrown outside during thunderstorms, but now I was smarter and would go to a house where the people would feed me, dry my clothes, and just plain care about me - oh, yeah they had kids too around my age. They told me (when I visited them when I was 20 yrs old) that they called the police many times to report the bleeding ears, my emaciated body frame, the bruises, and just to get them out to save me - the police didn't do anything. At some point, my new step-dad had taken a HUGE interest in me, at first, I liked it - until he started hurting me (this type of abuse, I was NOT used). This man hurt me a lot, but he always told me, "it was supposed to; that is how love is; and that this "alone" time was our secret" I didn't know I was only 6 (just in case, you don't understand this man sexually abused me, when I WAS only 6 years old). How does a child, a baby of 6 years come out of this unscathed?
Things started to escalate in the home, I was barely ever allowed out of my room, unless step-dad thought we should have our "alone" time when my bio mom left. Then all of a sudden bio dad didn't even want me (he left bio mom and wanted a divorce, which I took the abuse for because apparently, it was my fault - remember the secret, maybe she found out (I will never know))- what in the world did I do? Then bizarre things happened, I was given baths regularly, people visiting all the time, I was able to play with my new brother, and life seemed ok. We had a black dog named Happy and I loved him, the next thing I know I find myself outside, yet again in a severe thunderstorm and found refuge in the dog house (It felt like days). The house is locked (like that is new information), but this time is different - nobody is home. I fell asleep in the dog house (now this could have been a nap - I don't know or remember if it was night sleeping) but, the police came. They wanted me to come out of the dog house and I remember I wouldn't obey, but why? I don't remember. It took hours and hours to convince me that I would be safe from here on out (according to records they tried everything for hours to regain my trust). The state welfare division was on site too, WOW this must be really important for them to be there (remember this was the 1970's). I was promised that I would be loved forever and all I could think is foster family #3 - I was going home. I was so upset that I wasn't going to foster #3, but they said they were working on it and another family was going to care for me. Foster family #4.
To be continued in On account of abuse pt. #3
On account of abuse pt.#1 ***for those who question - why and how***
Yesterday was I guess a reflection day for me. I don't know what made me write that piece and I take nothing back, because I have never been so honest in my life as to how "I FEEL" or how "PEOPLE have MADE me feel." If I were to judge anything - it would be that today "PEOPLE don't feel that way about me," (just based on my private e-mail inbox, so thank you) but, the pain is so much more than skin deep. Are you ready? the plan is go into the depth of the abuse I remember, what is on file, and what I was told by my biological family. Small print ***this may not be a read for everyone*** there will be accounts of severe physical, emotional, and sexual abuse*** not for people who upset easily.
The year of the marriage was 1965, and oddly enough my adopted mother was born on June 12, which was the date of the marriage 6/12/1965. After suffering many miscarriages, my bio mom was placed on DES after finding out she was pregnant (with me) and unfortunately, I was born in 1968, SEVERAL months early. Obviously, I wouldn't remember the abuse, however, I was reunited with my birth father's side of the family several months before I married in 1994. I was told in a heart to heart discussion with my bio father that - "He didn't want to leave me with her (bio mom), but he felt it would be better to leave me than to keep reminding bio mom of the failed marriage." I guess being knocked unconscious, while I was eating was a good indication to leave me there with her! OK!!! Bio dad was told that she couldn't handle me (I was NOT even walking yet) and she wanted bio dad to sign his rights over. When bio dad, didn't the reports indicate I endured a great deal of neglect & physical abuse. Off to foster family 1. I don't remember, of course.
To be continued in "On account of abuse pt.#2.
The year of the marriage was 1965, and oddly enough my adopted mother was born on June 12, which was the date of the marriage 6/12/1965. After suffering many miscarriages, my bio mom was placed on DES after finding out she was pregnant (with me) and unfortunately, I was born in 1968, SEVERAL months early. Obviously, I wouldn't remember the abuse, however, I was reunited with my birth father's side of the family several months before I married in 1994. I was told in a heart to heart discussion with my bio father that - "He didn't want to leave me with her (bio mom), but he felt it would be better to leave me than to keep reminding bio mom of the failed marriage." I guess being knocked unconscious, while I was eating was a good indication to leave me there with her! OK!!! Bio dad was told that she couldn't handle me (I was NOT even walking yet) and she wanted bio dad to sign his rights over. When bio dad, didn't the reports indicate I endured a great deal of neglect & physical abuse. Off to foster family 1. I don't remember, of course.
To be continued in "On account of abuse pt.#2.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Happiness - Truth or Dare in life???? Not for the emotional person
Happiness is it all relative? and if it is what is it relative to? I mean I think I have everyththing in life that any ordinary person should be happy with. I have the american dream, the house, the dog, the kids, the perfect husband, plus many extras. And yet, I feel my life is nothing more than a suicidal train wreck waiting to happen.
I just hate everything about me, my life and where I am going. I don't know where to begin. So, as I relive almost every aspect of my life daily - I figure that maybe if I get this off my mind, off my chest, or just anything besides me reLIVING any portion of my life BC (before Children) that maybe, just maybe my life can stop haunting me.
I spend many hours thinking and processing issues - trying to make things better, not for me, but for my kids. You see my life started off bad. I was born into a bad marriage after several miscarriages, to a woman who held a grudge against, the fact, that I didn't have a penis, and to a man that not only had the balls to walk out on me once while my mother knocked me unconscious and beat the living crap out of me while I was in my high chair eating, but also as an adult trying to piece my life together (yes, people he left me high and dry TWICE).
Not to many people know what happened to me early in life, yeah; you may know I was abused, but the story is a lot more than just skin deep - it is about ME living in fear of abusing others. I feel I have to justify EVERYTHING I do, not to anyone, but ME. I rationalize EVERYTHING. Why am I doing this? who is this going benefit? and what for? how do I get there? what could become if I don't do it this way or that way? and is there other ways to the same end? I criticize EVERYTHING I do and say; I often look stupid, because my comeback wasn't swift or witty.
As I sit and watch some of the TV shows (true events) I sit in awe of some of the excuses the victimizer gives to the judge or the lawyers as to why they did what they did. Because I know what it is like to sit on the OTHER end. I had a really shitty beginning to my life and as I got older I was STILL victimized to the point of wanting to commit suicide. So not only did MY OWN BIRTH MOTHER hate me, I was taught that EVERYONE around me hated me too. Where is a person to go feeling like nobody wants them around??? Did you all want me to crawl into a hole and die?? So forgive me, if I just don't show happiness day in and day out, because naturally; everyone taught me to hate everything human. You all know who you are, and regardless, of what or who you are today your actions still have left DEEP wounds and have had a PROFOUND effect on my own family. You may think "I am not the same person I was back then", you may have grown up, but I still see the evil and the wickedness of YOUR ways - in my mind ~ you are still an ABUSER, a victimizer, a bully, and every bad word that comes to my mind. That has been engrained into my brain - At this point, I don't even know "I am sorry, please forgive me" would be enough to change my lifeforce into a happy thought. I guess it is never to late to ask for forgivness, but all I am saying is that freeing you from your wickedness is not my top priority nor would it change how I feel about my life, because after all I was trained into thinking "Nobody wanted me" ***sniff*** ****sniff****
To name the abuse I endured as a baby - A BABY (not just a toddler, a child, an innocent BABY), a toddler, and then as a young child; would earn my biological mother a spot close to death row in today's time. Since, I am still here and not dead, (like she was hoping for) she would have been living in a jail cell, sleeping in a warm bed, being fed cooked meals 3 times a day, plus snacks, free clothing provided, free healthcare, and free everything. To be fair, my birth mother was NEVER jailed for the abuse she inflicted on me (today she might have been), but re-read what I wrote. Going to jail is like; a get out of society free card. I mean going to bed not worrying if there is enough money at the end of the month to pay a mortgage or rent is a freeing thought, is it not? I mean if you are sentenced to life - you KNOW there is a warm bed waiting for you - it isn't dependent on the thought did I make enough money to pay the roof over my head. The meals - who wouldn't enjoy eating out every night or having someone else cook or make ALL of your meals and then to get up place a tray on a counter for it to disappear no clean up (freeing thought is it not?), the clothing is not trendy, but it is there nonetheless, and finally the healthcare. It must be nice, to be able to see a doctor for every sniffle or health concern. What kind of punishment is jail??
I struggle in every aspect of my life, and people in jail well, we the people of society support their every need. Meanwhile, the victims are left to try at everything - no help for the weary, but plenty of help for the wicked. So is happiness relative?? is it what you make of it??? Because as I see it I have to plow down these walls everyday just to be able to get up in the morning. Then I have to worry about, did I make the kids happy?, what are we going to be able to afford to put on the table to eat tonight?, are the kids having the best chance at a happy life?, don't tell anyone we got the best darn bargain at the goodwill store for those nice pants!, how can I make the kids remember all the special parts of our family?, and make them understand, it is just a cold, we don't need a doctor to tell me that your sick - let's give it a few days and see how you feel.
EVERYTHING is a struggle for me. I mean jail seems to be an escape from all worries and the people who were victimized are being punished and have to suffer daily on how to live on from the moment ... "all hell broke loose". I just don't see how it is ok, for people to "MAKE" someones life a LIVING HELL by abusing them in any form and get the freedom of "no worries" in jail. I am plagued by every worry, it would be nice to have a freedom away from this "hellish hole" people call life. How do people live with themselves? Is happiness relative? and to what? I don't know happiness - I am well versed in teasing and being bullied, with a specialty in not being wanted, by anyone even my own mother. You ask how does a person come back from that? I don't know, I haven't yet, but I have a plan to try to help others ...
Do all the good you can, as often as you can, to who ever you can - you may make a difference in someone's life. God bless
I just hate everything about me, my life and where I am going. I don't know where to begin. So, as I relive almost every aspect of my life daily - I figure that maybe if I get this off my mind, off my chest, or just anything besides me reLIVING any portion of my life BC (before Children) that maybe, just maybe my life can stop haunting me.
I spend many hours thinking and processing issues - trying to make things better, not for me, but for my kids. You see my life started off bad. I was born into a bad marriage after several miscarriages, to a woman who held a grudge against, the fact, that I didn't have a penis, and to a man that not only had the balls to walk out on me once while my mother knocked me unconscious and beat the living crap out of me while I was in my high chair eating, but also as an adult trying to piece my life together (yes, people he left me high and dry TWICE).
Not to many people know what happened to me early in life, yeah; you may know I was abused, but the story is a lot more than just skin deep - it is about ME living in fear of abusing others. I feel I have to justify EVERYTHING I do, not to anyone, but ME. I rationalize EVERYTHING. Why am I doing this? who is this going benefit? and what for? how do I get there? what could become if I don't do it this way or that way? and is there other ways to the same end? I criticize EVERYTHING I do and say; I often look stupid, because my comeback wasn't swift or witty.
As I sit and watch some of the TV shows (true events) I sit in awe of some of the excuses the victimizer gives to the judge or the lawyers as to why they did what they did. Because I know what it is like to sit on the OTHER end. I had a really shitty beginning to my life and as I got older I was STILL victimized to the point of wanting to commit suicide. So not only did MY OWN BIRTH MOTHER hate me, I was taught that EVERYONE around me hated me too. Where is a person to go feeling like nobody wants them around??? Did you all want me to crawl into a hole and die?? So forgive me, if I just don't show happiness day in and day out, because naturally; everyone taught me to hate everything human. You all know who you are, and regardless, of what or who you are today your actions still have left DEEP wounds and have had a PROFOUND effect on my own family. You may think "I am not the same person I was back then", you may have grown up, but I still see the evil and the wickedness of YOUR ways - in my mind ~ you are still an ABUSER, a victimizer, a bully, and every bad word that comes to my mind. That has been engrained into my brain - At this point, I don't even know "I am sorry, please forgive me" would be enough to change my lifeforce into a happy thought. I guess it is never to late to ask for forgivness, but all I am saying is that freeing you from your wickedness is not my top priority nor would it change how I feel about my life, because after all I was trained into thinking "Nobody wanted me" ***sniff*** ****sniff****
To name the abuse I endured as a baby - A BABY (not just a toddler, a child, an innocent BABY), a toddler, and then as a young child; would earn my biological mother a spot close to death row in today's time. Since, I am still here and not dead, (like she was hoping for) she would have been living in a jail cell, sleeping in a warm bed, being fed cooked meals 3 times a day, plus snacks, free clothing provided, free healthcare, and free everything. To be fair, my birth mother was NEVER jailed for the abuse she inflicted on me (today she might have been), but re-read what I wrote. Going to jail is like; a get out of society free card. I mean going to bed not worrying if there is enough money at the end of the month to pay a mortgage or rent is a freeing thought, is it not? I mean if you are sentenced to life - you KNOW there is a warm bed waiting for you - it isn't dependent on the thought did I make enough money to pay the roof over my head. The meals - who wouldn't enjoy eating out every night or having someone else cook or make ALL of your meals and then to get up place a tray on a counter for it to disappear no clean up (freeing thought is it not?), the clothing is not trendy, but it is there nonetheless, and finally the healthcare. It must be nice, to be able to see a doctor for every sniffle or health concern. What kind of punishment is jail??
I struggle in every aspect of my life, and people in jail well, we the people of society support their every need. Meanwhile, the victims are left to try at everything - no help for the weary, but plenty of help for the wicked. So is happiness relative?? is it what you make of it??? Because as I see it I have to plow down these walls everyday just to be able to get up in the morning. Then I have to worry about, did I make the kids happy?, what are we going to be able to afford to put on the table to eat tonight?, are the kids having the best chance at a happy life?, don't tell anyone we got the best darn bargain at the goodwill store for those nice pants!, how can I make the kids remember all the special parts of our family?, and make them understand, it is just a cold, we don't need a doctor to tell me that your sick - let's give it a few days and see how you feel.
EVERYTHING is a struggle for me. I mean jail seems to be an escape from all worries and the people who were victimized are being punished and have to suffer daily on how to live on from the moment ... "all hell broke loose". I just don't see how it is ok, for people to "MAKE" someones life a LIVING HELL by abusing them in any form and get the freedom of "no worries" in jail. I am plagued by every worry, it would be nice to have a freedom away from this "hellish hole" people call life. How do people live with themselves? Is happiness relative? and to what? I don't know happiness - I am well versed in teasing and being bullied, with a specialty in not being wanted, by anyone even my own mother. You ask how does a person come back from that? I don't know, I haven't yet, but I have a plan to try to help others ...
Do all the good you can, as often as you can, to who ever you can - you may make a difference in someone's life. God bless
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