Eni miney MOE

Parenting for me is like being one of the 3 stooges. When I am at the end of my rope and nothing else is working eye boinking looks pretty good, but in today's time we the parents aren't allowed to do a hands on approach to discipline. Even an arm grab could end up with the children being removed from the home.

It used to be the age where the CPS (Child Protective Services, in NJ it is DYFS) had to prove child abuse now the CPS takes the kids and you have to prove you are a good parent in court. You are totally guilty and have to prove your innocence when it come to disciplining / parenting your kids today. I do believe in spanking, but not all behaviors require a spank. We have tried every kind of parenting out there, without going over the edge, but was it all worth it looking back?  NO WAY! I would totally do things over.

I think the total key is that if a spank out weighs the risk of the bad behavior you have parented correctly. For example: a young child who keeps walking (in my case; running) into the street, it is better to spank that behavior, because the end result of not spanking could be getting hit by a car resulting in severe injury. So totally worth the spank, in my opinion. The other issue I agree about spanking is control. If the parent shows total control of his or her feelings in the reprimand spank, the child in turn learns they were out of control. Fear plays a HUGE role - I think fear is a healthy and good to know and understand limits. Spanking delivers fear - timeouts, 123 magic, grounding, etc. don't deliver the right kind of fear that is healthy.

Most parents come up with a plan of parenting before they actually get to the stage and both parents on the same page helps. But what happens if the choice you agreed on doesn't work? That is what happened to us. With my background of being abused as a child the choice of spank free parenting made sense to us, with the exception of behaviors that were considered dangerous; those warranted ONE spank. Oh we discussed and agreed on situations out the wazoo, no more than ONE spank of a well padded diapered butt - if you missed oh well. Our other plan of discipline was time out. Well if you have a child with ADHD or unknown emotional issues you had better plan differently.

Time outs were grueling. I couldn't get them to stay in the chair, then that even became a hazard. So recommendations where to use a safety harness that was attached to the chair. That worked until they learned how to use a zipper. Then we graduated to using a car seat that was bolted to the wall - the bolt is still in the wall to this day. For Addison the time outs were often enough punishment. With Jaden we had plenty of repeat offenses, but usually after 2 or 3 times the behavior disappeared. With Gage timeouts were NOT effective at all. You name it we tried it. We have had specialists tell us what to do, doctors, behaviorists, case managers, therapists, etc. The list goes on and on. So, here I am blogging about to spank or not to spank.

If any of us parents were to research what has changed over the last two generations the findings would be too many to list. Two major impacts that have changed the most is food preparation (obesity in children) and legal rights parents have regarding parenting. While diet can make for variations of mood swings, sensitivites to sugar overload, etc. diet alone isn't enough to cause children to terminate other children. The other big change was to laws regarding notification, what to report, who can report, and CPS must respond to ALL calls (parents must prove they are innocent - so we are guilty first before they even get to the house).

Children today are educated that being hit by their parents is illegal and that they can tell any adult at school. This is part of the education safety system that has been enacted along with the "No child left behind" and other programs instituted to protect our children. Although now our children need protecting from other children. Gage pulls the "I am going to tell my teacher you ..." and remember the healthy fear I explained earlier, well I have that fear (not my children) and that sets in and I feel powerless to discipline my own kids. Our good ole tax dollars are working hard against us, they can't hardly settle state issues, but want to stick a stake into my child because NJ doesn't have enough issues. How about funding better bully programs, anger management programs, keeping kids accountable for breaking the law regardless of mental capacity, etc. I can go on. Well, I am here to tell you that spanking your children is NOT against the law and if you believe your child needs it, don't hesitate or allow your child to hold that "I am going to tell my teacher..." over you.

Here is what is most important: As parents we MUST provide safe shelter, clothing (appropriate for the weather, it counts even if it is in the child's closet or drawers), and food. I have found that while they are at school that emptying their room of everything except for necessities and taking away everything that is above and beyond shelter, food and clothing works very well. The only problem is that it often ends with Gage in the hospital and a high price tag in repairs to walls, cars, anything in his war path.

In closing, I believe in spanking - I don't agree to beating, but a good spank is definitely not harmful. Yes, I have read all the books, I don't agree with their statements. If I hadn't been abused myself, I probably would have believed all the phooy and baloney they wrote. Also, I don't remember anyone going into schools shooting people either back when everybody was spanked and some families used a belt, a wooden spoon, etc. - actually I don't believe anyone had gone into buildings shooting people not when my mom was little and not when I was younger - so what is it that really changed these kids. The state has too much control over how we parent our children. I think if they take the serious cases and allow other families parent their kids - kids won't terminate other kids.

Who let the dog out

Hopefully this will be the last background blog. It is named Who let the dog out, because a lot of people want to know who let the dog out and often nobody admits to it. We are still wondering who let the dog out??? We were often told there is nothing wrong, but had all these problems. So who or what is to blame for all of this?

Gage enters kindergarten with classification of delayed speech and mild learning delay. I take him to a developmental neurologist and she orders special tests the results come back, Gage has a mild form of Cerebral Palsy (he is still walking on his toes) so we are sent to an orthopedist for AFO's, they work like a dream. They helped him keep flat foot for when he stands but, had a hinge for him to walk. This had been the third orthopedist we had been to and if we had known sooner than 5 years of age I think we would have done something legally with the doctor that ignored my complaints while I was pregnant.

First grade not anything spectacular happened. Half way through Gage's second grade we moved hoping for better services for Gage. We saw that he was struggling more, but getting less support from the school. Our new school district kept the IEP in place and I guess Gage fell through the cracks. All the other kids were maturing, but not Gage. We were still having toddler tantrums and they were getting worse and longer. Nobody said anything that the behaviors were inappropriate or said they thought there was something wrong – I was concerned. I didn't see anyone else's child behaving like they were 2 when they didn't get what they wanted. He also hung on to things for too long, like having a one track mind and when he didn't get what he wanted he had a complete meltdown. Then the meltdown escaladed into violent outbursts or throwing stuff or damaging property.

Fourth grade was a rough year. This was the first year Gage was going to have a male teacher and I was very excited about that. I was hoping that Gage would thrive with a male teacher, so I was looking for new beginning, however, Gage started being violent in school. I put in a request for an aide which was denied and shortly thereafter, Gage threw a book at a teacher and the corner of it hit a teacher in the temple. A few weeks later the district started interviewing for an aide for him. The violent outbursts started increasing and, in intensity. I called around and got a few resources that started at home crisis intervention and therapy. Family intervention graduated us and the services stopped. We fought and fought the school district to get Gage into another school to be able to handle the violent outbursts – we had to pull the court card to get what he needed. It was ridiculous.

Fifth grade was at a school for children/adolescences with emotional needs. It seemed to be working, but all of a sudden Gage's outburst became safety issues and he was hospitalized at CCIS for one week and then had two other hospitalizations (between January and August) at Summit Oaks hospital. We had to face reality that the situation wasn't getting better; Gage's behavior was becoming more eradicate and unpredictable. At one of his therapy sessions, he had gone outside in anger and brought in a 20' limb to hit the therapist with. The therapist said she "could no longer help Gage". Now, what??? Well, Shawn and I decided to call DYFS for help, since I was like a prisoner in my own home. Gage would go into school and say "mom/dad hit him" and guess who came to visit? We were tired and had nowhere else to go for help. We demanded they (DYFS) help and Gage was placed in a residential program. He spent two years there, which he then aged out. He really wasn't ready to leave the program, but there weren't any other options.

Gage came home September 2009. He has been home a year and a lot has gone on in just one year. Have I left out pieces of the puzzle? Absolutely! Not because I meant to or wanted to. There is certainly some private stuff that shouldn't be shared with the world, but the background information would take forever. Gage is now 15 and heading into his sophomore year of high school. He is at a school that caters to teens with emotional issues. SO, where are we today?? Every day is a struggle. We have to watch that we avoid certain words, try to redirect him like he is 3 years old, use time outs, and do the same schedule day in and day out (it is posted everywhere in the house). ALL important stuff has to be laminated so he can't destroy it. Certain issues have to be recorded to keep services. Last month he started hitting his bus driver while he was driving down route 10 with other kids in the car, all because he thought his bus driver was lying to him (and because they didn't file a report, we may be losing ALL of his services). Last week he grabbed the steering wheel when my mom was driving. The state wants me to take him to a therapist??? What are they out of their minds?? I won't drive with Gage in the car, not since he barreled over the seats to beat up Addison while I sat in traffic and couldn't do anything. I can't leave Jaden home alone yet, he is too young and he is diabetic. Gage's mood moves faster than the wind and it is hard to determine before stuff hits the fan. So for now, Gage is NOT a passenger when I am driving. Life is already difficult, but it is about to get worse.

Well, I just found out last Wednesday, that the CMO is going to drop Gage. I knew we were having a meeting, but what I didn't know was that the CMO's plan is to drop Gage's services because the STATE wants cases closed sooner than later. You know, I don't get the STATE of NJ – they don't want parents disciplining their children, but when the families need help they make it so difficult to get services, not to mention how SLOW they are to put them in place. My feelings on this matter will be my first controversial blog. I feel because we aren't allowed to parent our children properly, there is a huge risk that any child with that is unstable and or have emotional issues can go into any building and start shooting people, because they are angry.

Despite my rough life I NEVER thought of setting things straight by shooting or doing anything violent. So why is this happening today with children??? Stay tuned for my next series of controversial blog posts. Feel free to respond with your thoughts. When making your response please take responsibility for your own feelings and not slander other people for the way they feel. Some believe in spanking and others do not, this is a very controversial subject that I am not going to argue any point of who is right who is wrong. Just keep in mind that anyone that has a child, whether you gave birth or adopted they may have your last name and you think they belong to you, but really those children belong to the very state you live in – DO NOT even under estimate this statement at all – it is TRUE through and through. Those babies you hold don't belong to you – the state (you live in) OWNS them.