The reports indicate that I flourished with foster family #1 and I was a joy in the home. At some point the state returned me back to bio mom, because she had met the terms and conditions for me to return home. Bad mistake, I am able to remember at this point *** please, don't read if you are super sensitive*** Abuse alert***abuse alert******
I remember being shoved outside during really bad thunderstorms, all doors locked and can't get back in, socks shoved in my mouth secured with band aids, my bedroom door had been cut at the bottom enough so that SOME food on a tray (when bio mom felt she HAD to feed me) could be slipped under the door, baby powder crammed down my mouth and throat, my ears would bleed at random (I probably blocked out severe physical punishments that preceded the bleeding, so the therapist believed back then), then I have this huge fear of needles (there aren't any notes, but it is believed that I was tortured with safety pins for fun, especially at diaper changes when I was a baby). A report tells and supports most of STRANGE and SEVERE fears and goes on to say a neighbor called police not once, not twice, not even three times - it was FIVE times folks, before the POLICE finally responded to desperate pleas of a screaming three year old being left out in a dangerous thunderstorm unattended and fingers bloody trying to get into the house. I was emaciated, bruised and battered, very scared, little girl. Bio mom went to retrieve me from the officers and I would NOT let go of one of the officers. Bio mom tried all her might to get me and even hit me a few times and the officers, called home base explained my condition and the state removed me from the home indefinitely AND IMMEDIATELY.
Foster home #2 This was a temporary placement and don't remember much. The reports state that I had many trust issues and separation anxiety. It was too much for the family so onto foster family #3.
I remember this family like it was yesterday. They had plans to adopt me and they had included my visits from bio dads side of the family. I was flourishing and working out the issues that had been, well beaten into me. Behind the scenes (I didn't really understand even when I was 18 and able to read through everything) the state didn't want me to return to bio mom. The state did I guess everything they could. They were able to convince my bio mom to tell bio dad that this nice family was going to adopt me (of course, they somewhat knew because they were secretly visiting me) so my bio dad signed the papers. Woohoo, I am going to be adopted by this really awesome and nice family. My new father took a job overseas and bio dad signed me over and bio mom said she would too, so off to England we went. I was sooo happy, as long as you didn't try to put a band aid on me, get out a pin or needle, and it was sunny outside, plus I am guessing other issues. I am not sure how much time passed, because I was just such a happy little girl, but my new mom was sick, we had to return to the states for her treatment and well, I was so needy due to all of my fears and my new mom, needed me to be placed in a temporary foster home while she faced her illness. The state agreed that would be the best for me, because I was such a velcro child and my mom needed some rest. The state promised that I would be returned to foster family #3 when my new mom felt better. At some point, the state finds out that bio mom didn't sign her rights over, like she agreed to and were left with no choice. You got it, I legally had to be returned to the monster.
I fought like bloody hell, and remember seeing the social worker crying and trying to encourage my return to bio mom. I am now almost 6 and back home I have a new dad and a NEW BROTHER (it is obvious I had been with foster family #3 a few years). It didn't take long before things returned to normal, me locked in my room 24/7 no human contact for weeks and weeks at a time. Thrown outside during thunderstorms, but now I was smarter and would go to a house where the people would feed me, dry my clothes, and just plain care about me - oh, yeah they had kids too around my age. They told me (when I visited them when I was 20 yrs old) that they called the police many times to report the bleeding ears, my emaciated body frame, the bruises, and just to get them out to save me - the police didn't do anything. At some point, my new step-dad had taken a HUGE interest in me, at first, I liked it - until he started hurting me (this type of abuse, I was NOT used). This man hurt me a lot, but he always told me, "it was supposed to; that is how love is; and that this "alone" time was our secret" I didn't know I was only 6 (just in case, you don't understand this man sexually abused me, when I WAS only 6 years old). How does a child, a baby of 6 years come out of this unscathed?
Things started to escalate in the home, I was barely ever allowed out of my room, unless step-dad thought we should have our "alone" time when my bio mom left. Then all of a sudden bio dad didn't even want me (he left bio mom and wanted a divorce, which I took the abuse for because apparently, it was my fault - remember the secret, maybe she found out (I will never know))- what in the world did I do? Then bizarre things happened, I was given baths regularly, people visiting all the time, I was able to play with my new brother, and life seemed ok. We had a black dog named Happy and I loved him, the next thing I know I find myself outside, yet again in a severe thunderstorm and found refuge in the dog house (It felt like days). The house is locked (like that is new information), but this time is different - nobody is home. I fell asleep in the dog house (now this could have been a nap - I don't know or remember if it was night sleeping) but, the police came. They wanted me to come out of the dog house and I remember I wouldn't obey, but why? I don't remember. It took hours and hours to convince me that I would be safe from here on out (according to records they tried everything for hours to regain my trust). The state welfare division was on site too, WOW this must be really important for them to be there (remember this was the 1970's). I was promised that I would be loved forever and all I could think is foster family #3 - I was going home. I was so upset that I wasn't going to foster #3, but they said they were working on it and another family was going to care for me. Foster family #4.
To be continued in On account of abuse pt. #3
Saturday, January 15, 2011
On account of abuse pt.#1 ***for those who question - why and how***
Yesterday was I guess a reflection day for me. I don't know what made me write that piece and I take nothing back, because I have never been so honest in my life as to how "I FEEL" or how "PEOPLE have MADE me feel." If I were to judge anything - it would be that today "PEOPLE don't feel that way about me," (just based on my private e-mail inbox, so thank you) but, the pain is so much more than skin deep. Are you ready? the plan is go into the depth of the abuse I remember, what is on file, and what I was told by my biological family. Small print ***this may not be a read for everyone*** there will be accounts of severe physical, emotional, and sexual abuse*** not for people who upset easily.
The year of the marriage was 1965, and oddly enough my adopted mother was born on June 12, which was the date of the marriage 6/12/1965. After suffering many miscarriages, my bio mom was placed on DES after finding out she was pregnant (with me) and unfortunately, I was born in 1968, SEVERAL months early. Obviously, I wouldn't remember the abuse, however, I was reunited with my birth father's side of the family several months before I married in 1994. I was told in a heart to heart discussion with my bio father that - "He didn't want to leave me with her (bio mom), but he felt it would be better to leave me than to keep reminding bio mom of the failed marriage." I guess being knocked unconscious, while I was eating was a good indication to leave me there with her! OK!!! Bio dad was told that she couldn't handle me (I was NOT even walking yet) and she wanted bio dad to sign his rights over. When bio dad, didn't the reports indicate I endured a great deal of neglect & physical abuse. Off to foster family 1. I don't remember, of course.
To be continued in "On account of abuse pt.#2.
The year of the marriage was 1965, and oddly enough my adopted mother was born on June 12, which was the date of the marriage 6/12/1965. After suffering many miscarriages, my bio mom was placed on DES after finding out she was pregnant (with me) and unfortunately, I was born in 1968, SEVERAL months early. Obviously, I wouldn't remember the abuse, however, I was reunited with my birth father's side of the family several months before I married in 1994. I was told in a heart to heart discussion with my bio father that - "He didn't want to leave me with her (bio mom), but he felt it would be better to leave me than to keep reminding bio mom of the failed marriage." I guess being knocked unconscious, while I was eating was a good indication to leave me there with her! OK!!! Bio dad was told that she couldn't handle me (I was NOT even walking yet) and she wanted bio dad to sign his rights over. When bio dad, didn't the reports indicate I endured a great deal of neglect & physical abuse. Off to foster family 1. I don't remember, of course.
To be continued in "On account of abuse pt.#2.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Happiness - Truth or Dare in life???? Not for the emotional person
Happiness is it all relative? and if it is what is it relative to? I mean I think I have everyththing in life that any ordinary person should be happy with. I have the american dream, the house, the dog, the kids, the perfect husband, plus many extras. And yet, I feel my life is nothing more than a suicidal train wreck waiting to happen.
I just hate everything about me, my life and where I am going. I don't know where to begin. So, as I relive almost every aspect of my life daily - I figure that maybe if I get this off my mind, off my chest, or just anything besides me reLIVING any portion of my life BC (before Children) that maybe, just maybe my life can stop haunting me.
I spend many hours thinking and processing issues - trying to make things better, not for me, but for my kids. You see my life started off bad. I was born into a bad marriage after several miscarriages, to a woman who held a grudge against, the fact, that I didn't have a penis, and to a man that not only had the balls to walk out on me once while my mother knocked me unconscious and beat the living crap out of me while I was in my high chair eating, but also as an adult trying to piece my life together (yes, people he left me high and dry TWICE).
Not to many people know what happened to me early in life, yeah; you may know I was abused, but the story is a lot more than just skin deep - it is about ME living in fear of abusing others. I feel I have to justify EVERYTHING I do, not to anyone, but ME. I rationalize EVERYTHING. Why am I doing this? who is this going benefit? and what for? how do I get there? what could become if I don't do it this way or that way? and is there other ways to the same end? I criticize EVERYTHING I do and say; I often look stupid, because my comeback wasn't swift or witty.
As I sit and watch some of the TV shows (true events) I sit in awe of some of the excuses the victimizer gives to the judge or the lawyers as to why they did what they did. Because I know what it is like to sit on the OTHER end. I had a really shitty beginning to my life and as I got older I was STILL victimized to the point of wanting to commit suicide. So not only did MY OWN BIRTH MOTHER hate me, I was taught that EVERYONE around me hated me too. Where is a person to go feeling like nobody wants them around??? Did you all want me to crawl into a hole and die?? So forgive me, if I just don't show happiness day in and day out, because naturally; everyone taught me to hate everything human. You all know who you are, and regardless, of what or who you are today your actions still have left DEEP wounds and have had a PROFOUND effect on my own family. You may think "I am not the same person I was back then", you may have grown up, but I still see the evil and the wickedness of YOUR ways - in my mind ~ you are still an ABUSER, a victimizer, a bully, and every bad word that comes to my mind. That has been engrained into my brain - At this point, I don't even know "I am sorry, please forgive me" would be enough to change my lifeforce into a happy thought. I guess it is never to late to ask for forgivness, but all I am saying is that freeing you from your wickedness is not my top priority nor would it change how I feel about my life, because after all I was trained into thinking "Nobody wanted me" ***sniff*** ****sniff****
To name the abuse I endured as a baby - A BABY (not just a toddler, a child, an innocent BABY), a toddler, and then as a young child; would earn my biological mother a spot close to death row in today's time. Since, I am still here and not dead, (like she was hoping for) she would have been living in a jail cell, sleeping in a warm bed, being fed cooked meals 3 times a day, plus snacks, free clothing provided, free healthcare, and free everything. To be fair, my birth mother was NEVER jailed for the abuse she inflicted on me (today she might have been), but re-read what I wrote. Going to jail is like; a get out of society free card. I mean going to bed not worrying if there is enough money at the end of the month to pay a mortgage or rent is a freeing thought, is it not? I mean if you are sentenced to life - you KNOW there is a warm bed waiting for you - it isn't dependent on the thought did I make enough money to pay the roof over my head. The meals - who wouldn't enjoy eating out every night or having someone else cook or make ALL of your meals and then to get up place a tray on a counter for it to disappear no clean up (freeing thought is it not?), the clothing is not trendy, but it is there nonetheless, and finally the healthcare. It must be nice, to be able to see a doctor for every sniffle or health concern. What kind of punishment is jail??
I struggle in every aspect of my life, and people in jail well, we the people of society support their every need. Meanwhile, the victims are left to try at everything - no help for the weary, but plenty of help for the wicked. So is happiness relative?? is it what you make of it??? Because as I see it I have to plow down these walls everyday just to be able to get up in the morning. Then I have to worry about, did I make the kids happy?, what are we going to be able to afford to put on the table to eat tonight?, are the kids having the best chance at a happy life?, don't tell anyone we got the best darn bargain at the goodwill store for those nice pants!, how can I make the kids remember all the special parts of our family?, and make them understand, it is just a cold, we don't need a doctor to tell me that your sick - let's give it a few days and see how you feel.
EVERYTHING is a struggle for me. I mean jail seems to be an escape from all worries and the people who were victimized are being punished and have to suffer daily on how to live on from the moment ... "all hell broke loose". I just don't see how it is ok, for people to "MAKE" someones life a LIVING HELL by abusing them in any form and get the freedom of "no worries" in jail. I am plagued by every worry, it would be nice to have a freedom away from this "hellish hole" people call life. How do people live with themselves? Is happiness relative? and to what? I don't know happiness - I am well versed in teasing and being bullied, with a specialty in not being wanted, by anyone even my own mother. You ask how does a person come back from that? I don't know, I haven't yet, but I have a plan to try to help others ...
Do all the good you can, as often as you can, to who ever you can - you may make a difference in someone's life. God bless
I just hate everything about me, my life and where I am going. I don't know where to begin. So, as I relive almost every aspect of my life daily - I figure that maybe if I get this off my mind, off my chest, or just anything besides me reLIVING any portion of my life BC (before Children) that maybe, just maybe my life can stop haunting me.
I spend many hours thinking and processing issues - trying to make things better, not for me, but for my kids. You see my life started off bad. I was born into a bad marriage after several miscarriages, to a woman who held a grudge against, the fact, that I didn't have a penis, and to a man that not only had the balls to walk out on me once while my mother knocked me unconscious and beat the living crap out of me while I was in my high chair eating, but also as an adult trying to piece my life together (yes, people he left me high and dry TWICE).
Not to many people know what happened to me early in life, yeah; you may know I was abused, but the story is a lot more than just skin deep - it is about ME living in fear of abusing others. I feel I have to justify EVERYTHING I do, not to anyone, but ME. I rationalize EVERYTHING. Why am I doing this? who is this going benefit? and what for? how do I get there? what could become if I don't do it this way or that way? and is there other ways to the same end? I criticize EVERYTHING I do and say; I often look stupid, because my comeback wasn't swift or witty.
As I sit and watch some of the TV shows (true events) I sit in awe of some of the excuses the victimizer gives to the judge or the lawyers as to why they did what they did. Because I know what it is like to sit on the OTHER end. I had a really shitty beginning to my life and as I got older I was STILL victimized to the point of wanting to commit suicide. So not only did MY OWN BIRTH MOTHER hate me, I was taught that EVERYONE around me hated me too. Where is a person to go feeling like nobody wants them around??? Did you all want me to crawl into a hole and die?? So forgive me, if I just don't show happiness day in and day out, because naturally; everyone taught me to hate everything human. You all know who you are, and regardless, of what or who you are today your actions still have left DEEP wounds and have had a PROFOUND effect on my own family. You may think "I am not the same person I was back then", you may have grown up, but I still see the evil and the wickedness of YOUR ways - in my mind ~ you are still an ABUSER, a victimizer, a bully, and every bad word that comes to my mind. That has been engrained into my brain - At this point, I don't even know "I am sorry, please forgive me" would be enough to change my lifeforce into a happy thought. I guess it is never to late to ask for forgivness, but all I am saying is that freeing you from your wickedness is not my top priority nor would it change how I feel about my life, because after all I was trained into thinking "Nobody wanted me" ***sniff*** ****sniff****
To name the abuse I endured as a baby - A BABY (not just a toddler, a child, an innocent BABY), a toddler, and then as a young child; would earn my biological mother a spot close to death row in today's time. Since, I am still here and not dead, (like she was hoping for) she would have been living in a jail cell, sleeping in a warm bed, being fed cooked meals 3 times a day, plus snacks, free clothing provided, free healthcare, and free everything. To be fair, my birth mother was NEVER jailed for the abuse she inflicted on me (today she might have been), but re-read what I wrote. Going to jail is like; a get out of society free card. I mean going to bed not worrying if there is enough money at the end of the month to pay a mortgage or rent is a freeing thought, is it not? I mean if you are sentenced to life - you KNOW there is a warm bed waiting for you - it isn't dependent on the thought did I make enough money to pay the roof over my head. The meals - who wouldn't enjoy eating out every night or having someone else cook or make ALL of your meals and then to get up place a tray on a counter for it to disappear no clean up (freeing thought is it not?), the clothing is not trendy, but it is there nonetheless, and finally the healthcare. It must be nice, to be able to see a doctor for every sniffle or health concern. What kind of punishment is jail??
I struggle in every aspect of my life, and people in jail well, we the people of society support their every need. Meanwhile, the victims are left to try at everything - no help for the weary, but plenty of help for the wicked. So is happiness relative?? is it what you make of it??? Because as I see it I have to plow down these walls everyday just to be able to get up in the morning. Then I have to worry about, did I make the kids happy?, what are we going to be able to afford to put on the table to eat tonight?, are the kids having the best chance at a happy life?, don't tell anyone we got the best darn bargain at the goodwill store for those nice pants!, how can I make the kids remember all the special parts of our family?, and make them understand, it is just a cold, we don't need a doctor to tell me that your sick - let's give it a few days and see how you feel.
EVERYTHING is a struggle for me. I mean jail seems to be an escape from all worries and the people who were victimized are being punished and have to suffer daily on how to live on from the moment ... "all hell broke loose". I just don't see how it is ok, for people to "MAKE" someones life a LIVING HELL by abusing them in any form and get the freedom of "no worries" in jail. I am plagued by every worry, it would be nice to have a freedom away from this "hellish hole" people call life. How do people live with themselves? Is happiness relative? and to what? I don't know happiness - I am well versed in teasing and being bullied, with a specialty in not being wanted, by anyone even my own mother. You ask how does a person come back from that? I don't know, I haven't yet, but I have a plan to try to help others ...
Do all the good you can, as often as you can, to who ever you can - you may make a difference in someone's life. God bless
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