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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Eni miney MOE

Parenting for me is like being one of the 3 stooges. When I am at the end of my rope and nothing else is working eye boinking looks pretty good, but in today's time we the parents aren't allowed to do a hands on approach to discipline. Even an arm grab could end up with the children being removed from the home.

It used to be the age where the CPS (Child Protective Services, in NJ it is DYFS) had to prove child abuse now the CPS takes the kids and you have to prove you are a good parent in court. You are totally guilty and have to prove your innocence when it come to disciplining / parenting your kids today. I do believe in spanking, but not all behaviors require a spank. We have tried every kind of parenting out there, without going over the edge, but was it all worth it looking back?  NO WAY! I would totally do things over.

I think the total key is that if a spank out weighs the risk of the bad behavior you have parented correctly. For example: a young child who keeps walking (in my case; running) into the street, it is better to spank that behavior, because the end result of not spanking could be getting hit by a car resulting in severe injury. So totally worth the spank, in my opinion. The other issue I agree about spanking is control. If the parent shows total control of his or her feelings in the reprimand spank, the child in turn learns they were out of control. Fear plays a HUGE role - I think fear is a healthy and good to know and understand limits. Spanking delivers fear - timeouts, 123 magic, grounding, etc. don't deliver the right kind of fear that is healthy.

Most parents come up with a plan of parenting before they actually get to the stage and both parents on the same page helps. But what happens if the choice you agreed on doesn't work? That is what happened to us. With my background of being abused as a child the choice of spank free parenting made sense to us, with the exception of behaviors that were considered dangerous; those warranted ONE spank. Oh we discussed and agreed on situations out the wazoo, no more than ONE spank of a well padded diapered butt - if you missed oh well. Our other plan of discipline was time out. Well if you have a child with ADHD or unknown emotional issues you had better plan differently.

Time outs were grueling. I couldn't get them to stay in the chair, then that even became a hazard. So recommendations where to use a safety harness that was attached to the chair. That worked until they learned how to use a zipper. Then we graduated to using a car seat that was bolted to the wall - the bolt is still in the wall to this day. For Addison the time outs were often enough punishment. With Jaden we had plenty of repeat offenses, but usually after 2 or 3 times the behavior disappeared. With Gage timeouts were NOT effective at all. You name it we tried it. We have had specialists tell us what to do, doctors, behaviorists, case managers, therapists, etc. The list goes on and on. So, here I am blogging about to spank or not to spank.

If any of us parents were to research what has changed over the last two generations the findings would be too many to list. Two major impacts that have changed the most is food preparation (obesity in children) and legal rights parents have regarding parenting. While diet can make for variations of mood swings, sensitivites to sugar overload, etc. diet alone isn't enough to cause children to terminate other children. The other big change was to laws regarding notification, what to report, who can report, and CPS must respond to ALL calls (parents must prove they are innocent - so we are guilty first before they even get to the house).

Children today are educated that being hit by their parents is illegal and that they can tell any adult at school. This is part of the education safety system that has been enacted along with the "No child left behind" and other programs instituted to protect our children. Although now our children need protecting from other children. Gage pulls the "I am going to tell my teacher you ..." and remember the healthy fear I explained earlier, well I have that fear (not my children) and that sets in and I feel powerless to discipline my own kids. Our good ole tax dollars are working hard against us, they can't hardly settle state issues, but want to stick a stake into my child because NJ doesn't have enough issues. How about funding better bully programs, anger management programs, keeping kids accountable for breaking the law regardless of mental capacity, etc. I can go on. Well, I am here to tell you that spanking your children is NOT against the law and if you believe your child needs it, don't hesitate or allow your child to hold that "I am going to tell my teacher..." over you.

Here is what is most important: As parents we MUST provide safe shelter, clothing (appropriate for the weather, it counts even if it is in the child's closet or drawers), and food. I have found that while they are at school that emptying their room of everything except for necessities and taking away everything that is above and beyond shelter, food and clothing works very well. The only problem is that it often ends with Gage in the hospital and a high price tag in repairs to walls, cars, anything in his war path.

In closing, I believe in spanking - I don't agree to beating, but a good spank is definitely not harmful. Yes, I have read all the books, I don't agree with their statements. If I hadn't been abused myself, I probably would have believed all the phooy and baloney they wrote. Also, I don't remember anyone going into schools shooting people either back when everybody was spanked and some families used a belt, a wooden spoon, etc. - actually I don't believe anyone had gone into buildings shooting people not when my mom was little and not when I was younger - so what is it that really changed these kids. The state has too much control over how we parent our children. I think if they take the serious cases and allow other families parent their kids - kids won't terminate other kids.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I agree with the spanking thing.... and the fact that none of the violence was that abundant, until this generation. You can do all the research in the world and find no evidence that spanking you're child had ever had permanent damage other than that of pride. I also agree that there is a certain kind of fear that is healthy for a child... even though i still am one... if i didn't have any type of fear i would have no caution to my surroundings and i would probably not be alive... ~ Brianna, 15