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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Where is my goat?

When I first started writing venting in this blog I wanted to feel a sense of peace in letting things go. I suppose it would have helped to write about the events that have me in my current predictament.

My current status is depressive as ONE can get without being hospitalized. My body is so jumping and I can't relax and oh, don't think to talk to me with those eyes, I may rip them out.

This all started when my 15 year old bi polar abusive son said some hurtful things. The next day he said something really cruel (which I wanted to knock his block off). Yesterday as I lie in bed, he became so verbally abusive to me - that for his own safety I remained in my room until Shawn got home.

Many of you may not know, but I was abused in every way possible and when I got married I had this awesome sense of freedom - marriage was my escapegoat of everything I had gone through. Shawn has always promised he would never harm me and I believe him. I was living this happy life with bumps in the road. Now I want to know where my goat is? Where can I escape too now that my son is abusing me.

I hate life. I feel lost, I feel so defeated, beat down and exhausted. I am so jumpy maybe I am anxious. I feel that I have already been through enough being abused, why do I have to endure more from my OWN son. I feel like I need to leave, but I love my husband - my kids hate me and never follow the rules.

I just can't handle anymore "your son did ...." "he got an.... on the test what happened?"

We have removed all video games during the school week - and I am planning to tell them summers only. These kids don't turn papers or reports on time. Addison hasn't turned in a term paper on time in 3 years.

If anyone can help find my goat leave your comment. Thank you. I am desperately seeking refuge if even for a few hours

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