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Friday, January 14, 2011

Happiness - Truth or Dare in life???? Not for the emotional person

Happiness is it all relative? and if it is what is it relative to? I mean I think I have everyththing in life that any ordinary person should be happy with. I have the american dream, the house, the dog, the kids, the perfect husband, plus many extras. And yet, I feel my life is nothing more than a suicidal train wreck waiting to happen.

I just hate everything about me, my life and where I am going. I don't know where to begin. So, as I relive almost every aspect of my life daily - I figure that maybe if I get this off my mind, off my chest, or just anything besides me reLIVING any portion of my life BC (before Children) that maybe, just maybe my life can stop haunting me.

I spend many hours thinking and processing issues - trying to make things better, not for me, but for my kids. You see my life started off bad. I was born into a bad marriage after several miscarriages, to a woman who held a grudge against, the fact, that I didn't have a penis, and to a man that not only had the balls to walk out on me once while my mother knocked me unconscious and beat the living crap out of me while I was in my high chair eating, but also as an adult trying to piece my life together (yes, people he left me high and dry TWICE).

Not to many people know what happened to me early in life, yeah; you may know I was abused, but the story is a lot more than just skin deep - it is about ME living in fear of abusing others. I feel I have to justify EVERYTHING I do, not to anyone, but ME. I rationalize EVERYTHING. Why am I doing this? who is this going benefit? and what for? how do I get there? what could become if I don't do it this way or that way? and is there other ways to the same end? I criticize EVERYTHING I do and say; I often look stupid, because my comeback wasn't swift or witty.

As I sit and watch some of the TV shows (true events) I sit in awe of some of the excuses the victimizer gives to the judge or the lawyers as to why they did what they did. Because I know what it is like to sit on the OTHER end. I had a really shitty beginning to my life and as I got older I was STILL victimized to the point of wanting to commit suicide. So not only did MY OWN BIRTH MOTHER hate me, I was taught that EVERYONE around me hated me too. Where is a person to go feeling like nobody wants them around??? Did you all want me to crawl into a hole and die?? So forgive me, if I just don't show happiness day in and day out, because naturally; everyone taught me to hate everything human. You all know who you are, and regardless, of what or who you are today your actions still have left DEEP wounds and have had a PROFOUND effect on my own family. You may think "I am not the same person I was back then", you may have grown up, but I still see the evil and the wickedness of YOUR ways - in my mind ~ you are still an ABUSER, a victimizer, a bully, and every bad word that comes to my mind. That has been engrained into my brain - At this point, I don't even know "I am sorry, please forgive me" would be enough to change my lifeforce into a happy thought. I guess it is never to late to ask for forgivness, but all I am saying is that freeing you from your wickedness is not my top priority nor would it change how I feel about my life, because after all I was trained into thinking "Nobody wanted me" ***sniff*** ****sniff****

To name the abuse I endured as a baby - A BABY (not just a toddler, a child, an innocent BABY), a toddler, and then as a young child; would earn my biological mother a spot close to death row in today's time. Since, I am still here and not dead, (like she was hoping for) she would have been living in a jail cell, sleeping in a warm bed, being fed cooked meals 3 times a day, plus snacks, free clothing provided, free healthcare, and free everything. To be fair, my birth mother was NEVER jailed for the abuse she inflicted on me (today she might have been), but re-read what I wrote. Going to jail is like; a get out of society free card. I mean going to bed not worrying if there is enough money at the end of the month to pay a mortgage or rent is a freeing thought, is it not? I mean if you are sentenced to life - you KNOW there is a warm bed waiting for you - it isn't dependent on the thought did I make enough money to pay the roof over my head. The meals - who wouldn't enjoy eating out every night or having someone else cook or make ALL of your meals and then to get up place a tray on a counter for it to disappear no clean up (freeing thought is it not?), the clothing is not trendy, but it is there nonetheless, and finally the healthcare. It must be nice, to be able to see a doctor for every sniffle or health concern. What kind of punishment is jail??

I struggle in every aspect of my life, and people in jail well, we the people of society support their every need. Meanwhile, the victims are left to try at everything - no help for the weary, but plenty of help for the wicked. So is happiness relative?? is it what you make of it??? Because as I see it I have to plow down these walls everyday just to be able to get up in the morning. Then I have to worry about, did I make the kids happy?, what are we going to be able to afford to put on the table to eat tonight?, are the kids having the best chance at a happy life?, don't tell anyone we got the best darn bargain at the goodwill store for those nice pants!, how can I make the kids remember all the special parts of our family?, and make them understand, it is just a cold, we don't need a doctor to tell me that your sick - let's give it a few days and see how you feel.

EVERYTHING is a struggle for me. I mean jail seems to be an escape from all worries and the people who were victimized are being punished and have to suffer daily on how to live on from the moment ... "all hell broke loose". I just don't see how it is ok, for people to "MAKE" someones life a LIVING HELL by abusing them in any form and get the freedom of "no worries" in jail. I am plagued by every worry, it would be nice to have a freedom away from this "hellish hole" people call life. How do people live with themselves? Is happiness relative? and to what? I don't know happiness - I am well versed in teasing and being bullied, with a specialty in not being wanted, by anyone even my own mother. You ask how does a person come back from that? I don't know, I haven't yet, but I have a plan to try to help others ...

Do all the good you can, as often as you can, to who ever you can - you may make a difference in someone's life. God bless

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry your life has been such a struggle. I had a long talk with our Attending this week. She told me she believed in God and that life was just a testing ground. Granted some got tested more than others and she had no explanation as to why. Her point? - Life Sucks. Pure and simple - we see other people's lives and say 'hey - I want that' - but then realize 'that' is just as hard as 'this' - the life you were given to navigate through.
My friend, I am sorry your life is hard. You've been a comfort to me, so know that you are doing good.
Love & Hugs