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Monday, February 21, 2011

I choose you...a pay it forward post

Another fellow blogger posted about her adoption, because her friend has adopted children recently. As a fellow adoptee, I do feel that huge burden to give back. I mean we want to adopt the concept isn't a burden - but, there is something I have come to realize, that I may not have the capability to adopt.

***sigh**** *** tons of excuses**** *gasp*

Our plate is full, and what I brought into the world is paramount right now. My own biological children have so many needs. I know there are so many children with worse out there, and I so wish I could save the world. So, the force of paying it forward, leaves me hopeing for adopting a daughter, someday! (not that your NOT wonderful MH) I have three biological boys.

****sigh**** take a deep breath

National Adoption month is in November (I never knew that) - Obviously, I missed it BIG time. I never celebrated the event, in reality I was never much a party girl. I wasn't one to have a lavish celebration of any kind, except for my marriage to my best friend in the whole world and I got to share it with him. It seems like yesterday, but it was over 16 years ago. I have known this man for MORE than half my life.

They say you don't TOTALLY know or understand things until you yourself goes through it or become of age of understanding. It is so true, I believe and consider myself as a late bloomer everything takes time and I need time to think things through. I really had no concept of "adoption" all I understood, was I never had to see the MEAN people again. I believed this for a long time, maybe even beyond 10 years. I had been in and out of foster homes, all to return to hell. I had no concept of final, because I was always returned to the mean ones.

Adoption to me did NOT mean ... "I choose you..." to me it meant something completely different: Safety. No more meals slid under a door, no more being left outside during a storm, no more bandaids securing socks in my mouth, no more secret meetings with step-dad, etc. the list goes on and on. I don't want to leave you thinking I was stupid - Adoption just meant something entirely different to me based on my circumstances and abuse. I never felt special, in fact, I believed the total opposite - I felt like I was a curse. Someone's problem. I wish I could go back and re-live with what I know and understand now. It makes me want to "adopt" or choose my child out. Nobody biologically gets to choose who they want for a son, daughter, mother or father. It is happenstance, rather it is what God has planned for each and every one of us. You get what you are given and those rare few people get to choose.

***hmmmm*** (in deep thought)

I was taught after I was adopted, that EVERYTHING you do is a "I scratch your back you scratch my back" it is like a MANDATORY pay it forward. Just to put it out there, I never did anything I didn't want to do, because I expected something in return - I was taught that, but I feel if you want to do something - do it and do it without expectation. So, when I started this post, I mentioned I may not have the capability to adopt, this is what I am talking about. I do NOT want to adopt because, it is the right thing to do or to pay it forward since I was.

I want to adopt a child so they understand they were the choosen one, I want them to feel special, I want to celebrate their life, I want to celebrate them - it would be an added bonus if we were their hero (save them from a life of abuse) - who knows maybe if God places a child on us he or she would be my hero.

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